Facing the reality

How do you look at the person that you love more then anything else in this world and say goodbye for good? How do you let go of the one that thing that has defined every significant moment of your life? How do you risk loosing the only thing that has touched you in the most vulnerable ways? 

 I close my eyes and try to imagine my life with out you. Who would I be? Where would I be? What would my world look like?

I dont know.  You have been the defining moment in everything. You have been the one thing that I have always fallen back on. The one thing that my heart controls more then my mind. Letting you go seems unimaginable. The pain that comes come with it so strong that it feels unbearable. So many years invested into something so undefinable to anyone else. 

The love I have felt for you will never compare to anyone else in my life. Never again will I feel so connected to someone that life without them seems unbearable. 

If you only knew how hard it is for me to not feel that back from you. To feel forget, alone, scared, lost, abandoned and not protected. It feels like a convulsion of pain throughout every part of my body. I feel lost. It feels like the only person I can rely on is myself... That I wont be able to turn to you in my deepest moments of need.

It feels like I am always the second choice. After all of your priorities have been met by all your desires and needs... Then you remember me. Especially when you feel like I might be gone. Suddenly you try and you care. But do you really? 

Love is not be a circumstance thing... shouldn't it be something that defines the direction you want in life? Isnt it all that matters at the end?

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we had never have met. What would my life look like? Who would  I even  be? I dont know.... thats how much you have impacted me. Every moment of my life since I met you has defined my direction. 

Can I admit that every decision and choice I have made has been for myself? No I cant. It would be a lie. More then half of everything has been for you. For you to actually see that what we have is rare. What we have matters. Who I am is not easy to find out there.... Yet it still isnt enough. It wont ever be enough for you to choose me first. I wont ever come first and that is the reality. It will always be you. 

That the difference between reality and fantasy. It never has been me, It never will be me that is your first choice. 

How do you look at the person that you love with all that you are and walk away because you know that your not that person for them?

I dont know. I havent been able to do it. 

Transparent

Wow. It has been quite a while since I have sat down and had the urge or time to write.
Especially on this blog which has a much more personal flavor too it then my other one.
Link here: www.sandrakushnir.com

I don't even know were to begin writing at this point because I have had so much going on in the last few months. I am going to just let myself type and see what comes out at the end.

The last year has been really brutal for me. Honestly, it has probably been the most difficult year of my life so far. I never expected myself to be in the place that I am right now... Last year and at the beginning of my masters program when I felt like I was constantly growing and learning about myself. Everything seemed so new and exciting. My life felt like it was evolving... and there was no stopping me.

This post is coming from a very personal place for me that is extremely difficult for me to show others... let alone myself. It is a place that I keep hidden very well behind an act of "holding it" together. A place located right in the middle of my chest above my stomach and up through my throat. This place has felt extremely tight and unsettled for the last few months. It has overtaken me internally to the point were it shows on the outside and others have made comments to me that I look fragile and broken. My skin is breaking out, I lost a lot of hair, and I have spent hours in my bed either crying or sleeping.  Without anyone knowing.  I hold it together pretty well... I get up, shower, do my make up, put on my heels and set out into the world and meet my responsibilities and deadlines. I follow my routine.

Recently, it has gotten to the point were this feeling literally eats me up from the inside. I find no pleasure in my life... I wake up and make the drive through LA traffic without noticing the world around me. The weather, the trees, the sun, even the music playing in my car.  I sit in traffic with no emotion on my face feeling nothing. Thinking nothing. Totally numb. In my attempt to cover it up I have tried things I told myself I never would do. I feel like a stranger to myself. I feel lost from the person that I am. So distance from the girl who discovered so much about herself and the world through travel, friends, love, and openness to new people and experiences.

 I have built a wall around myself and closed off letting anyone in for the past few months. For someone who works with others helping them develop skills to be open.. I feel like I am living a lie.  It feels like I am teaching others something I have not been able to conquer myself. Being vulnerable to another and asking for support when it is needed is so much harder then it seems. So much harder then any exam, paper,  or job that I have ever or will ever have.

I have spent the last few months trying to convince myself that this feeling inside wasn't there and that it wasn't true.  Trying to numb it out and keep going like nothing is wrong. If there is one thing I have learned about myself and one thing that I stand for (as you can see from many of my old posts) is to always continue pushing forward.... NO MATTER WHAT. I told myself in high school that I would NEVER allow myself to feel this low again. It worked for a long time- at least for the last 5 or so years... I have been so strong and accomplished all that I set out to do. I felt strong, confident, and motivated. I promised to never let that weak part of me surface again.

But it has. That 16 year old girl who felt like her whole wide world was crashing down on her and no one understood is still inside of me. I didn't even know it. Or maybe I did and just chose to ignore it because it was so painful to accept the fact that someone could feel that bad. That I could feel that bad. That I DO feel this bad.

I feel lost right now because it feels like I broke my promise to myself never to be "that" girl again... Yet, in some strange fucked up way I feel liberated to know that I have the ability to feel this deeply still. I have been able to see the light in the darkness from that time in my life. It is that time that has propelled and pushed me through the last five years.

In this moment I am in that same place of darkness. I feel like I am 16 again and no one understands what is happening inside of me. I feel alone, scared, uncertain, and out of control. Routine has taken over my life through work, internship, school and the guard I have placed around myself. Other people rely on me to carry their emotions and give them advice- and I do.

Yet it feels like the thing that I love most has become the syringe that drains me of the life inside of me. The future seems so uncertain and it feels like I am working so hard and giving up my freedom in my early 20's for something that seems ungraspable and so far away in this moment. It feels like I am preaching something to other people that I cant even understand myself. I see my clients and friends progressing and wonder how come I can help others but not myself anymore. It feels terrifying and overwhelming. It feels like this past year everyone around me has moved forward while I am standing still. Like I am giving others something that I dont even have in myself right now.

I miss having people around me who motivate me and provide me with a pillar to lean on. For some reason I have let them all go and keep myself from calling on them. It doesnt make sense since they are exactly what I need right now.... Something inside of me keeps saying "suck it up and deal with it on your own" so I put down the phone and don't make the call. It seems so much easier in the moment to just avoid it. Avoid facing the fact that things are not ok right now and I cant continue to be this way. The reality is that I cant. I cant do this alone- I need help.

I need friends that push me through times like this and remind me of the bigger picture of my life. Not how much acne I have right now or how much weight I have gained or lost  but of my purpose, goals, dreams, and internal light. There have been a few people in my life that have changed my perspective on everything. Almost like guardian angels that have guided me through certain moments and challenging times in the last five years. Each one of them helping me, holding me up, and teaching me how to get through it.  Somehow each of them came into my life at a crucial time and somehow I just KNEW they were supposed to be there. There was something I was SUPPOSED to learn from them. Life took some of them away and put a distance between us. It is so hard to remember what I learned from them when they are not around me. How I miss them... If only they knew.

This post probably seems so negative and crazy if you are reading it. I don't even know if it makes any sense as I am typing everything out right now. All of this feels so jumbled together and overwhelming. It makes me feel so disorganized and helpless. This post probably seems that way as well if you are reading it. A whole lot of messed up shit that no one wants to look at. Yet it feels so good to just let it out. Let it flow and not worry if it makes any sense. Just feel it. Admit it. Face it. Fall.

Fall and let myself feel everything in this horrible place before I rise again. I remember the pain and the darkness from when I was 16 and how much light that it brought me later on. I want so badly to learn to accept the darkness right now and be curious as to what lessons and motivation it will bring me later on down the road. What is it I will look back on in my future and remember from this very moment and place in my life.

I was so ashamed of that 16 year old girl that I used to be. I never wanted to see her again. Ever. Yet here she is... staring at me in the mirror every single day for the past 5 or 6 months. Reminding me that I have stopped moving forward and that through all of the growth, experiences and avoidance she was always inside of me waiting for a time in my life to show herself again. For some reason she choose now.

The past months I have numbed her out and refused to face what was staring right at me in the mirror. This has lead me down a even darker path and engulfed me fully. Pretending never works. Reality always prevails... and I am starting to realize it. As I sat home yesterday crying for the third time that day and not knowing why; it dawned on me that in order to change I must stop lying to myself and everyone else. I must stop pretending to be "together" when I am not. I am fragile right now and the observations that others are making are true.  I must turn to those who can lift me and break down my wall. I must find the light and motivation that has guided me through these last 5 years. I must work to make the change that I need in my life right now. It wont be easy- it was not easy before and it will not be easy now.

It will however be something that shows me my strength and reminds me of the power of will and persistence that we all have inside of ourselves to grow. It will remind me of what I do in my career for other people and how important it is to do it for myself as well. It will reignite the fire that I know is inside of me. The fire that those who love and know me best remind me of. The fire that inspired the parts of me that want to travel, learn, grow, meet people, make a change in the world and in the lives of others. The fire in me that didnt give up until now. Somehow I need to relight it.

All of this is what inspired me to book the trip to Thailand this past week. It honestly came from a place of utter terror, hopelessness and fear. I realized that there is so much of myself that has been lost in the past year and I know that traveling is something that completes me. Makes me feel free and alive. Something I haven't feel for a long time... so long that I almost have forgotten what it feels like.

To be free of responsibilities and deadlines. Lost in another culture and new people who teach you so much and remind you of how small you are in this magnificent world. How small your job, paper, and ex-boyfriend are in comparison to the rest of your life and the universe. Free not be graded on how many sources I used in my paper or by if I arrive on time or 10-mins late. Free to try new food, smell fresh air, taste new spices, feel my feelings and live my life. I need that reminder right now... I need to feel alive and remember why I am here. What my purpose is and what I want to teach not only my clients but my friends, family, and children. What influence I want to make during my lifetime and what I want to leave behind.

Facing the reality of this is really hard for me. Especially admitting it to myself or the "self" that I have projected to the world since high school. I have avoided these feelings for so long that it feels like I cant cope with all that is coming up for me. I realized within this past week that I need to do something different and break this routine. I am hopeful that Thailand will bring me back to lost parts of myself but I am also aware that I need to let myself sit in this and take it all in. Learn from it and find my strength.

I need to learn to be vulnerable and ask for help when I need it. Turn to those people that I want in my life instead of pushing them away. Look in the mirror and ask that girl I see staring back at me what it is that she needs. What it is like to feel so alone and to love and nurture her. It is she that gave me everything that I had up until this point. She was the one who inspired me to live my life and never settle. It is that girl that I have avoided for so long that brought those few amazing friends into my life... I know this because they have seen parts of her and loved her even though I hated her and hid her so well.


Again I apologize for how long this is... if you have even read this far. But god damn does this feel good. Like bricks have been lifted off of my shoulders that feel like they are attached to my ears because of all the stress. It just feels so freeing to write it all out and see it on the screen in front of me. Face it. It feels like I cant stop. There is so much pent up inside of me that I have held inside and I am miles ahead of my fingers and how fast they can type.

If anyone did take the time to read this I hope something in this touches the part of you that no one else knows about. The part of you that is hidden behind the mask that you wear every single day because that is what is expected of you. The part that is human and sometimes doesn't measure up to everyone else's expectations, especially your own. It is these parts of ourselves and times like this that define our lives.

In every difficult experience there is a lesson to be learned and a purpose to be found. I wish it was easier for us to show ourselves to the world. I wish that it wasn't so scary and that we wouldn't be judged for it. I know that some people will read this and judge me and think I am "dramatic" or just crazy. Maybe I am... but I need to learn to accept this  part of myself. Be ok with showing her to the world and possibly facing ridicule like I did in high school. It is now that I am realizing that by hiding her from myself I have been living in a false reality.

If there is one thing that I don't want to encourage in the lives of my client's, friends, family and the people I love is to live a life of "pretending." The only way I can help others not only in my profession but in my life is by first helping myself and being brave enough to face the emptiness that I see in the mirror.

When there is emptiness there is room for something to come in and fill it if I allow myself to let it in and truly let it transform me. Last time I was in this dark place it changed my life completely and brought me to a path of so much love, change, and and progress. It taught me my own personal strength and willpower. It made me realize that no dream is unreachable if you take the steps to making it happen.

I have hope that this time of darkness will only make me into an even stronger and better person. Someone who lives life in a way that matches what I hope to teach and bring to others. Someone who is strong enough to accept weakness, vulnerability and not hide that part of me anymore. It is a hell of a lot harder and braver to face uncertainty, hopelessness, pain and fear then it is to put on the mask every single day.

What a world we would all live in if we were allowed and not afraid to show our humanness; maybe we would be able to relate and understand each other in ways that we don't even know we are able to. Maybe we would learn we aren't alone and that many of us have these types of feelings... and maybe then our connection to that experience would take away the loneliness and fear. Maybe we would realize that the multi-millionaire might feel just as bad if not worse inside then the guy sitting on the street begging for spare change, that the pretty girl might not feel worthy to be loved just like the girl that gets tortured by her peers, that the guy who has the perfect job and endless opportunities might be just as scared for his future as the one with no plan and no idea what direction he is going in.

If there is one thing that I have learned through this journey of becoming a therapist is that when someone feels safe to take off their mask and show you those hidden parts of themselves... You realize how beautiful each one of us is and how different we are then what we project to the rest of the world because that is what we believe is "acceptable" or "desirable."

At the end of the day we are all human and we all experience moments in our lives of pure joy and happiness and times that seem like never ending darkness. With that I will end this ridiculously long post with the hope that those of you that did read it somehow understand the place that it came from for me and the meaning that it holds. I also hope that you come to a place in your life when you are faced with realizing that you need to learn to love and accept the good and the bad parts of yourself and that it is ok to show yourself in this world. It is ok to fall, cry, feel confused and have no fucking idea what to do with yourself and that those moments are just as meaningful as the good ones.

xoxo.

Not Enough.

I am human.

I have wounds. Wounds that cut deep. Deeper then many people know.

Feelings of being inadequate... Never enough. Ever. No matter what I do or how much I try.

All I ever wanted was to hear you say "good job" or "I am so proud of you."

Thats it.

For me it feels like I go back and remember all the flaws. You pointing out that "she did that better" or "why arent your grades as good as hers."

Now you say that these things didnt happen. That I conjure this up in my head. Just cut me deeper- because it feels like I am crazy and made it all up.

No one knows. Under all of the make up, clothes, and organization. There is just me- crying out.

Accept me. Say I am enough.

It never is. No matter what.

The image is so easy to hold up: little does everyone know its all an act.

The little girl inside of me... She just wants to prove you wrong.

Thats all it is. Thats all its ever been.

I dont hear the good. All I listen to is the bad.

People dont see me. Isnt that so sad?

Every time it happens its just another stab.

You never understand.

I try to tell you how bad it hurts me- but it doesnt change the past.

That little girl... She feel so bad.

She learned how to put on a really good act.

It fools everyone.

Even herself- until things become hard and she doesnt know how to act.

Because she doesnt feel good enough to make it through; she doesnt think she can.

Why dont you hear me? I keep trying to get you to react.

One time. Just once I want to hear that I am enough- even if I fall down, even if I fail,  cant you just tell me that you are proud?

I hate pretending.

Its hard to always be pretending.

Especially for so long.

Personal Mission Statement

Before this semester started I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would be strong and do whatever I had to in order to ensure that my grades, relationships and health would not be affected. Unfortunately, I did not plan on so many changes happening in my life at once.

The last few months have been like a hurricane for me. It hit me that life seems to do that- it throws in every single change at once. Tests you. Challenges you. Pushes you.

Looking back on my life helps me make sense of things. Good and bad. There have been times like this for me before, times when I didnt know what was going to happen. Feeling out of control. Uncertainty chasing me.

Moments that I now make meaning of, in the past seemed so unclear. My grandma getting diagnosised with brain cancer. My moms heart and health problems.  My dad loosing his job. Ashley moving away from me. My brother and nephews being so far away. The roller coaster that Alex and I have been on together. Loosing my friendship with Angie.

Some of these things I still dont understand fully. Yet, I am thankful that each one happened to me because in those moments I was the most vunerable, real, and alive version of myself.

Those moments made all the good ones THAT much better for me. Those moments define my life and remind me that I cant ever give up.

I remember sitting in my room and crying. Crying because I didnt know why this was happening to me, feeling alone, scared, uncertain. It comes right into my mind- the picture of me surrounded by nothing but questions.

Questions that have been answered by experiences in my life when I remember who I am and WHY I am here. Times when I am with the people I love most. Traveling. Eating my favorite food. Laughing. Helping. Growing. Living. Being.

Right now, I need to fight through this. Everything that has happened in my life has lead me in the direction that I am supposed to go... The hardest times have made the best times THAT much better. They have reminded me of my power and my strength. They have taught me that I can make it through anything and in the end; I might not have the answer. I might NEVER get the answer. But, I will still be OK.

I wrote this prior to this semester to help remind myself what I stand for and the type of person that I want to be. The principles that I want to live my life by. I wrote this to remind myself of my own personal power and agency. I am choosing to share this with you for the purpose of reminding myself to keep living my life as the best version of myself and to possibly help others take the time to think about their principles. What do you want to leave behind? What do you stand for? What do you want? How do you want to present yourself in this world?

These questions also sometimes cant be answered. Yet, it is better to ask then to ignore them...  Sometimes we forget the bigger picture.

Here is my personal mission statement and the principles that I feel are important for me to live by:

-->

Personal Mission Statement

My mission is to live my life as the best version of myself and make a lasting impact on the people around me.

To fulfill this mission:

I will be honest: No matter how difficult or uncomfortable the situation is; I will be honest about my feelings, opinions, and perspective. I will explain my reasoning and listen openly to understand another perspective. I will not lie or agree with something that I do not feel is right. I will listen with a purpose of understanding another person’s outlook and will clarify with them if I do not understand something.

I will sacrifice: I will devote time and effort toward living my life in a way that involves principles that I find important. I will ensure that no matter how stressful, time crunched, or unmanageable things become I am able to make time for a moment to collect myself and remember my mission and purpose in life. I will take time to remember why I have chosen this particular path in my life and remind myself of all the blessings that I have.

I will inspire: I will become the best version of myself and hope that my friends, partners, colleagues, and clients can experience all that I have to offer as a person. I will teach by example and never loose my ability to remain calm and collected. I will always put my best forward in work, relationships, and all other important aspects of my life.

I will be impactful: I will make a difference in the lives of my family, friends, and clients. I will do something for each meaningful person in my life that will express how much that they matter to me. I will be the best friend, daughter, lover, sister, and therapist that I can be.  I will be there for the people that I love when they need me.

I will be responsible: I will always follow through with commitments that I make to my friends, family, and career. I will arrive on time for all of my scheduled appointments; answer and return phone calls, and time manage my priorities. I will make sure that I follow up with all of my clients and provide them with a stable and trust-worthy relationship. I will remember important dates in the lives of my family and friends and remember to congratulate them. I will learn how to manage my money and spend only 25% of what I make. I will save my money for experiences and travel rather then material things.

I will make time: I will make time for self-care activities, friends, and family. I will work out at least 4 times a week, no matter how busy my schedule becomes. I will make it a priority to eating healthy and in moderation this will be important in maintaining a healthy and comfortable weight.  I will read my personal mission statement often. I will write my thoughts down when I am struggling with something or cannot find clarity. I will update my blog at least one time a month and allow myself to free associate.

Individual

Daughter

Lover

Sister

Friend

Student

Therapist

   

Tunnel

I am worn out. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now it feels like there is no fuel in the engine and I am forcing it to start anyway.

Going into this semester I knew it would be a challenge juggling all of the responsibilities between school, interning, and work. However, I didn't expect for it to affect so many different areas of my life.

Knowing that I would be running place to place on no sleep seemed so far away just a few months ago. Now my days are all blending together and suddenly I am already three months in and I have no idea what has happened in the world around me during that time.

Don't get me wrong... I love what I am doing. I love actually being able to work with people and finally be able to make a difference in their lives. Right now, I think the fact that I am helping others go through sometime difficult is the only thing keeping me going...

Knowing that if I give up... I might be taking away that child's only opportunity to feel heard or cared about by someone for the first time. Showing them that when things get hard they have to fight through it.

Thats what keeps me going.

Literally, my day begins at 6:30 am and doesn't stop until 12:30 am- and somehow I still feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to get done.

It's like living in a tunnel in which there is not sense of time or reality. Its just constant go, go, go. To do list after to do list.

The hardest part for me is that I feel like I am loosing the ability to appreciate it. Appreciate the fact that I finally made it to the place I have worked so hard for. It blows my mind that it has become so difficult for me to take a moment and realize what is happening RIGHT now in my life...

Fulfilling my purpose. Helping others. Providing guidance. Making a difference. Doing something that I love. Making meaning out of my life and time here. Learning and growing. Healing.

Yet, it feels like there is so little time to appreciate it to be fully present in it. I am so caught up it the maintenance and "should" of every moment that I am unable to take a moment and just reflect on the beauty and meaning that this type of work brings into my life.

I hope with all of my heart that I soon settle into this new routine and am able to remember these precious moments of my life. The first moments of me doing exactly what I love and was meant to do... The first clients that find hope, empowerment and change their lives. My own growth and change as I hear stories that humble me and remind me of the darkness in the world.

I worked so hard to get to this place and it feels so surreal that it is flying by and I am not able to process what is going on inside of myself during this process.

The saying "nothing good every comes easy" keeps popping into my head and reminding me that I need to push myself forward. I need to read. I need to write. I need to do the paperwork.

It all goes together into making me the type of therapist and person that I want to be. Providing me with experience to have a good work ethic and provide the best service I can for the people I will work with throughout my career.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it. It seems unreachable right at this moment... Probably because I dont even know what day it is or actually what month I am in.

Yet, something inside of my wont let myself give up. It wont let the anxiety and lack of sleep win. Because I am stronger then that. I want this more then that. Most importantly, this isnt something that I cant handle.

Its important for me to keep on fighting and push through this next year and a half. Trying my best to not get caught up in the wrong things and never letting myself get resentful that this has become the reality of my life because of the path that I choose.

Knowing that it will end. Graduate school will be over and I will make it through it alive... Hopefully having enough energy to at least walk across the stage and get the piece of paper that I need in order to keep making a difference.

I end here with a quote that reminds me what all of this is for and a few pictures of the last few months:


"I don’t make things for a living. I live for a living. I am myself for a living. I seek beauty for a living. I think and contemplate for a living. I experience for a living. Seems so easy and obvious to me, and yet there is no term for it. In our society, it seems, you have to be defined by your job title. When meeting new people I can usually count on “what do you do?” being one of their first questions as they form their perception of me. To date I believe I never repeated the same answer, nor do I feel I have given one that was readily understood. I do what I once thought was impossible and, I suspect, in most people’s minds still is.

When I try to explain, I am almost always met with skepticism. Can you make a living doing that? Well, yes. You won’t see me featured in Fortune or Forbes any time soon but when I add up my monetary income to the intangible joys of a free and inspired life, I consider myself richer than most of those who are. Livelihood may be measured in dollars and cents. Life is measured in degrees of freedom. Living is measured in meaningful experiences. Yes, I make a very good living.”

Processing.

 

It has been a while since I have had the urge to write a blog. For me. writing is something that I only do when I get the natural urge... When something suddenly dawns on me and I feel like it is inevitable to share it with someone.

 

I have noticed that in moments of my life when I feel like I am growing, learning, discovering, and happy I seem to write more often. I know I am not the best at spelling and grammar- forget about it. Yet, something about putting my thoughts down on paper or on the screen in front of me gives me clarity in a way that I cant even begin to explain.

 

The last few months have been difficult for me. I went from processing my life, emotions, and self nearly every day too almost not at all. During Spring and Fall semester of my graduate school program each day I was either in personal therapy, practicum, or mentoring. I was learning so much about myself and growing. With summer semester all of that stopped.

 

I think it took some time for me to realize how much just talking about your feelings and having others understand and listen to you really does for people. Including myself. Yes, I am in training to be a therapist and you would think out of everyone that I would understand how much just feeling validated can do for you.

 

Honestly, I don't think I realized it until just recently.

 

These past few months I have felt myself take a few steps back from the place I had gotten to in this past year. I found myself overthinking things with my friends, relationships, life, career. Change became overwhelming and scary. I found myself feeling very isolated and pulling back from some of my closest friends.

 

I didn't really know was happening, until I began my internship and we began processing again. I suddenly found myself getting anxious when it came my turn to share my emotions with the group.

 

 Intellectualizing everything once again seemed much easier then talking about feelings. Talking about how isolated from my classmates I have felt since summer began and how I have contributed too that by opting out of hanging out with them, loosing my roommates because of situations that were out of my control, missing my family, beginning a crazy schedule and a career that actually puts me in a position of responsibility for another human beings life and well being... Talking about any of the emotions surrounding all these things seemed a lot harder then becoming introverted and focusing on the facts:

 

Friendships change overtime and maybe this is just normal. People move on- so why should I put in effort if they don't? Roommates will always come and go- so get over it and deal. You are on adult now- it is normal not living in the same place as your parents. You picked this career and crazy schedule- suck it up and deal with it.

 

It is so much easier too look at it from an intellectual perspective. Why feel when you can think?

 

As I sat in the chair during my group supervision process time and listened as the fellow interns shared their emotions.... I realized how much I have pent up in the past few months. I went from processing everything daily and then suddenly completely stopped.

 

I hadn't even let myself feel the emotion surrounding any of these things... because I have been so focused on getting through them and "moving on".

 

My turn came.

I began talking and instantly my throat tightened, heart beat rose, and voice quivered. I spoke for the first time in two months... I spoke about my fear of looking weak, needy, and vulnerable. About feeling like there is something wrong with me because I don't feel as included with my girlfriends lately- and how I might be contributing too it. My fear of beginning therapy and if I would be good at it... When I myself have issues opening up sometimes.

 

I just let myself feel everything.

 

It was overwhelming, difficult, and scary. But SO liberating.

 

In that moment I realized how powerful it is for people to process and understand their feelings. I remembered why I choose this career path and the impact that it makes in peoples lives. I remembered how much I  grow each and every single time I sit down in that chair with my colleagues, classmates, and clients. I remembered how important it is for me as a therapist and as a person to continue growing, processing, and learning about myself.

 

We are all human. We all have stories and pasts. We all have filters from our experiences that make us interpret information in a totally different way then anyone else.

 

Personally, when I go through a difficult time in my life that involves change I become introverted and rely on myself. I always get told by others that I am very independent... Which I am. But being independent at times when you need someone can be extremely lonely and isolating. True independence is being able to say "Listen I am having a rough time with this... Can I talk to you about it" and being able to be interdependent with the people in your life that you know are there for you.

 

Change can be exciting. Usually, I like adventure and change- it is challenging for me. However, so many changes in my life at once has been extremely overwhelming. I feel shell shocked and scared about how I am going to handle it.

 

I have so much invested in this time of my life and this experience. Constantly I find myself thinking about how I am going to handle everything at once... I worry about not living up to my expectations, messing up, hurting others, my performance.

 

There has been so much worry that I have had little time enjoying the experience and the positive. Instead of reaching out and expressing my fears and feelings. I have pent them up inside of me and created a self-fulfilling prophecy- pulling back from the people and things that would help me realize how lucky I actually am.

 

Thankfully, I have an amazing group of people in my life that have my back no matter what. People that I know that I can lean on right now. People that love me and will be there for me even if I mess up. I am remembering how important it is for me to remember that and be independent enough too depend on them and be honest.

 

This clarity couldn't have come at a better time for me. My supervisor told me that as we grow in our profession as therapists we will have moment of progression and moments of regression: and that we need both in order to become the best we can as professionals.

 

These few months have been my regression. It has been difficult and I have felt scared and frustrated about loosing some of what I had gained. Yet, I am so thankful that being pulled back has allowed me too realize what I have learned in these past few days.

 

 

 

 

My last few weeks of summer before the storm begins:

 

 

Real.