Relief.

Life to me is all about adventures and growing as a person. Doing things that are completely out of your comfort zone and challenge you- forcing you to open up your mind and broaden your perspective on people and the world.

It is in the moments when you have no obligations, no past, no worries that you get to truly experience how grand life really is.

Like I wrote in my last blog post… I haven’t been feeling like myself again. Trapped, confined, unchallenged… I lost all sense of myself as a person.

Thankfully this spring break trip came at the EXACT right moment. I feel refreshed, enlightened, and once again motivated to be more… to DO more.

Going back to California reminded me of all the challenges I was able to overcome and the adventures that I had in the past few years. It reminded me that I am a worthy and capable person. That I CAN move to an unfamiliar place and build a life that is BETTER then the one that I know here at home. That people DO love me for ME and that I can make new friendships that are stronger and better then those from my past, and that there is more to life then this bubble… Where people drink coffee WITH you, don’t judge you for drinking wine, and actually go out and LIVE their life when they are 21 instead of just settling into a marriage.

Not that there is anything wrong with people choosing too live this way. 

To each is their own, and for some they truly BELIEVE in this and feel fulfilled with their life being like that… But, for ME it’s not who I am, what I believe in, or what I want. Which makes me constantly feel different and distant from the people here in Utah. 

I need adventure , culture, openness, honesty, reality, mistakes.  

I am DRAINED of being asked 1. Are you Mormon? 2. Are you dating anyone? 3. What high school did you go to?....  My answers are 1. No 2. Its complicated. 3. The most obnoxious one in the salt lake valley

I feel like the majority of person I have met here have nothing to say other then those three questions. I want to TALK to people about something MORE. I want to know about their travels, thoughts, ideas, love, life, political goals, life, experiences…. I want REALITY I don’t want to run into someone and have them be fake and act excited to see me and speak in a high pitch voice “OH MY GOSH how the heck have you been?!” Ummm… actually I haven’t seen you since high school #1 and #2 you didn’t talk to me IN high school and you haven’t talked to me since… and #3 you probably don’t even  remember my name… So please stop trying to act like you care.

I am in NO way trying to offend anyone or sound like a stuck up bitch. But I will be the first person to give my opinion that Utah is a bubble. A bubble that is full of white middle class people who are satisfied with being comfortable, and oblivious to the rest of the world.

I mean sure it is easy to believe in god and have faith when you are driving your suburban around to Nordstrom, Target, and Michael’s. You have a plate full of food and a house full of gadgets and toys. Probably a cabin or a boat, the chance to get educated, and a doctor is a phone call away.

Who wouldn’t believe that there is a god?

But… if he is so great and amazing WHY are there MILLION of children with NO food or medical care. Women being raped and sex trafficked. Children being forced to murder their parents and become slaves… Why would GOD let this happen?

Sure… The argument is “he made evil too challenge and separate the good from the bad, to help us remember OUR blessings”

Ummmm… well since ¾ of the world population doesn’t have water, food, shelter… He must not be that great because that’s a hell of a lot more BAD.

That four year old girl in Uganda does NOT deserve to be “less blessed” then a four year old born to a family in suburbia.

Yeah… its easy to believe in god and dedicate your life to him when you have a SUV full of food from Costco and a family boat attached to the back.

But instead of worrying about not drinking alcohol, being a virgin, and not swearing. You should be more worried about doing EVERYTHING you can to change the world and make sure that those children and those people aren’t suffering… If god was so great all that money you pay to the church would go to Africa or South America instead.

 The biggest lessons I have learned the past few years have made me realize how much more important it is to have diversity, friendship, and reality in your life then to have security, comfort, and luxury.

Reality comes with being around people who are open and willing to realize that life isn’t based on ANYTHING or anyone else other then yourself.

Seeing all of my friends that understand me… and feel/think the SAME about life as I do- reminded me that I have people out there supporting me and who don’t judge me for the opinions I hold or the person that I choose to be.  The second I stepped off my plane in LA last week I felt a sense of relief and purpose; it was like I was coming HOME.

I want to do more. I want to get drunk, travel, help people, make mistakes, do good to the world, be free, and have a latte…. I want to make my own decisions-not have faith that “someone” else is making them for me. I don’t want to constantly feel judged and self conscious.

So thank you to everyone I saw these last few days… You all helped me remember that I am here to do something greater then stay here feeling different and trapped.

I finally feel like ME again, and damn it feels good. 

Lost.

I feel so lost.

I havent felt this way in a LONG long time.

When I go back and read my posts from last year it feels like someone else wrote them, funny thing is that I predicted this. I predicted that this next year would be a challenge for me... Challenge my ability to remain strong when tested. Unfortunately, I feel like I failed. The person I was last year at this time would be disappointed to see how fast I crumbled.

I have slowly fallen into my same routine that I was in before California, Europe and Israel.

I feel like I am constantly consumed with a negative self image and worrying about what "everyone else thinks" about me.

Honestly, its almost even worse then it used to be because I THOUGHT I had figured it out.... I thought I had become stronger. Better. But,  reality is showing me that I was quite wrong.

 I have been finding myself slipping back into staying quiet in class... EVEN THOUGH I know the right answer-because I fear sounding stupid.

Or over thinking how to respond to someone else trying to talk to me, and not being able to uphold a conversation. I find myself questioning my friends. Sleeping all day instead of being productive. Crying for no reason to cry. Getting angry over stupid insignificant things. Loosing any sense of control.

It feels like I did a full circle and ended up right back where I started.

My heart breaks- I progressed SO much, and it feels like I lost it too fast.

Honestly, its back to asking "who am I?"

And having nothing to respond with.

I need to find me again.

That light that I had last year... The confidence, the happiness, friendship, love, INDEPENDANCE.

It felt so good to feel satisfied in my OWN skin.

I miss it.

I want to find it again. No, I NEED to find it again, because I cant do this any more... Its draining and it is painful.