Perspective.

I have been having a inner struggle the last few months. Ever since moving home I have felt a range of emotions from the highest of highs.... to the lowest of lows.

There are days when I miss my life in California SO much that it literally hurts.

I miss coming home to Ashley every night and telling her every single thing about my day and being excited to hear about hers.

I miss calling Leanna and making her go to the gym with me and then grabbing dinner at Panera.

I miss Danny and his Ed Hardy t-shirts....saying super inappropriate things.

I miss going to New Port and always feeling welcomed and loved by Carly, Lisa, Christan and Steven.

Its been really hard for me to come back and realize how much I have changed, and how hard it is for me now to relate to some of my BEST friends.

Its hard for me to sit with them and talk about marriage and planning a wedding. When I am looking forward to turning 21 and partying my butt off.

Its hard for me to to want to do something and not know who to call.

Its hard when something stupid happens and I want to tell someone before I go to bed..... But I cant.

Its hard to come home every single day and see my family falling apart because my grandma has cancer.

Its hard to realize that I feel like I cant relate to the people I love the most.

But the last week has brought me many lessons.

A beautiful young girl named Kristen passed away this week. I had met Kristen over my last year in California on a trip to New Port.

She was best friends with Lisa and Carly.

She seemed happy, healthy, strong, and was beyond beautiful. We went to dinner and we laughed and talked. I never would have even guessed that she was fighting for her life.

Her attitude, her personality, her passion. LIFE was shinning in her eyes.
That night I overheard her mention that she was starting treatment in a week....

I couldn't believe it.

It hit me in the stomach. I never would have guessed that this beautiful 21 year old girl that I had been spending the night with was suffering from a rare and deadly form of cancer.

I never would have guessed... because of how strong and positive she was. She did not want people to feel sorry for her, or to treat her different. She didn't want pity or tears. She wanted to be treated like nothing was wrong... Like her life wasn't in danger of ending.

Kristen had the most AMAZING attitude I had ever seen. Even though I only got to spend that one night with her... I can honestly say that one night changed my life.

Seeing her fight, be strong, and maintain that amazing perspective and attitude, even though she was going through something SO much harder then just "moving home" to Utah... was truly inspiring.

She taught me that no matter how hard, hopeless, alone, or devastating a situation is.... Your attitude about it matters more then anything else.

If you have hope. If you have love. If you have peace. If you have strenght.

NO situation can tear you off of your feet.

So thank you Kristen.  Thank you for coming into my life for that one night.... and showing me something that will change my life forever.

I am no longer going to sit here and dwell on wanting "what I used to have", I am going to go out there and change what I have at this very moment.

I am going to find a way to relate to everyone.

I am going to find someone to tell my stupid stories to.

I am going to start calling ANYONE and EVERYONE until I find something to do.

And most of all, I am not going to dwell in my own sorrows.

Thank you Kristen for teaching me to live my life as a little bit better of a person and giving me a broader perspective

You touched people in ways that you did not even know.

REST IN PEACE.

Truth Be Told.

Truth be told.

Happiness, fear, pain, anger, bliss, friendship, love, betrayal.

I feel it all.

And despite the act I can put on: My mask of strength. My costume of being unbreakable.

Truth be told.

I am.

I am breakable.And I have been broken.

I have learned to hold back. I have learned to put on a suit of armor and carry my head high despite feeling my lowest. I have learned that it is not ok to show people how deep it hurts me when I feel betrayed. I have learned that it is better to act as if nothing matters, even when everything does.

Why do I have this outlook?

Because I have learned it the hard way.

I don't think that the people who have hurt me the most... even really know it. I don't think they realize that even though I have forgiven them, I cannot forget. I don't think people know that it hurts me when they say bad things about me. I don't think that they know that deep down... I still care.

I am good at acting strong. I am strong.

But I also am weak, in many ways still.

I am still hurt by my best friend.
I am still hurt by the person I love.
I am still hurt by the friends I thought would always be there... and aren't.
I am still hurt by what bad things people have said about me.

But I don't show it.

I cant forget what it felt like.
I cant forget how easy it was for the most important people... to just walk away.

Sometimes I wonder how they cant see it.

It hurts me that it cant be how it used to be.

But truth be told.

It wont ever be.

I have learned to be strong. I have realized that people change, and that life long friendships... can be broken.

I guess its just still hard to remember "how it used to be". And not help but feel that is how it is "supposed to be".

But its not.

Because if it was supposed to be. They wouldn't have left. You wouldn't ever have felt used, hurt, or alone.

Truth be told..

My suit of armor really isn't as hard as stone.

Get Real.

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves.

Fake People.

Sadly, Utah has a little bit higher population of them then any where else I have been.
The worst part?

Figuring out that some of your friends are just that... Fake.

Example of being fake include:

1. Acting like they care about something your talking about and responding in that ear wrenching fake tone of voice... "ohhh thats so cool." or " ohh thats SO good for you."
2. Girls that hangout with you just to get close to your guy friends. The red flag? Once you stop providing them with males, they move on to another bff that can.
3. Girls that dont talk to you when they are around a different group of friends.
4. People that vent to you about how annoying they find someone, and then are buddy, buddy with them the next time you see that person. Just think what do they say about YOU behind your BACK?
5. Girls who ask you to hangout only when they need something... Like a place too party, etc.

This list could go on and on... Fortunately I dont have the patience to list every single example I can think of.

I just dont get it.
WHAT in the world makes these people think that being this way is ok?

Ya, a lot of people think I can be a bitch. And  a lot of people do not like me. I know that. But at least I speak my mind, and least  I dont act like I want to be friends with someone to their face and turn around and talk shit to their back.

Some of these people ask me why they cant find love, or why they cant keep a life long friendship.
My answer:

Because people can sense when your being genuine. People want reality. People fall in love with REAL people.

It doesnt matter if the real you is blunt and honest, or giving and caring. People want to see which ever type of person you really are.


They dont want you to act interested... If you dont give a shit.
They dont want you to be friends with them, so that you can find a boyfriend.
They dont want you to act like you have never talked to them when your with a "cooler" group of friends.
They dont want to wonder what you say to your other friends about them when they arent there.
They dont want you to talk to them just when you need something.

Crazzzzzzzy, huh?
Personally, I have learned that its better to invest in the people who stick around when you are at your worst. Then in the people you have to "try" to be your best around all the time.

I would rather have one true friend. That I know will be honest, genuine and real with me. One friend who I wont ever have to question. One friend who will never leave me, say bad things about me, or use me.  Then be caught dead having 25 fake friends who act like they care about me, but in reality could careless.


So strip down.
Stop hiding.

And get real.

Tricks

Its funny how things happen. First you anticipate them, the day finally comes, your in the moment lost in it... and then all the sudden its over, and your looking back at that moment which felt like it was a ETERNITY away. Wondering, how it could possibly already have come and gone.

Do we even have time to blink our eyes?

Life is funny in that way. When you want something it feels like FOREVER until you get it. (ordering that MUST HAVE pair of shoes off the Internet and RUSHING home everyday to see if they are there yet). But once it happens, it is just over. Its almost surreal if you think about it... The greatest moments of life fly by WAY to fast. And the ones where your waiting for those moments seem to drag on and on.

Don't you hate that?

I wish that life wasn't on such a fast track. I wish that I could relive every one of those amazing moments that went by way to fast.

Example:
When your at work... or in a math lecture, two hours feels like; ten days.
But when your laying out on the beach drinking a pina colada, two hours feels like; 20 minutes.
Is time just messing with us?
Because its NOT fair.

I wish that we didn't have to spend 8 hours a day working. I do wish that we could spend 8 hours in a day LIVING. Crazy thought huh? I feel like a lot of us are starting to forget what LIVING actually means.

Experiencing that amazing feeling of surreal happiness. That anticipation to go on a trip, or to see a amazing concert, going on that much needed island getaway, and spending time with the people that you love.

WHY does time take those things away from us SO fast... but makes us wait for them for SO long? My theory is that time plays this trick on us in order to teach us to appreciate those special moments just a little bit more.

Burning.

Anger. That's what I am starting with today. Pure, raw, volcanic anger. The one emotion I try to avoid as often as possible. Don't you? No one likes to feel anger... it is the emotion everyone tries to avoid, but the emotion that can overshadow almost any other.  It causes wars, murder, irrational decisions... So why? why? WHY? Is this feeling embedded into us? Why is it impossible sometimes to avoid it?

A few days ago my mom called me and told me she was taking my grandma to the ER. I put down the phone and swallowed my fears "She probably forgot to take her diabetes medication" I said to myself.  A day later she called me again. This time she sounded tired, scared, and worried. The doctors discovered a tumor on the right back side of my grandmas brain. I felt the tears building up, that feeling of my throat burning and my face turning red. But I held it together. My mom was holding it together for her mom, and I had to hold it together for mine. I told her to call me with updates and that I would be home in a few days for spring break to help as much as I can.

Well here I am. It is Spring Break and I am home... my grandma is upstairs sleeping next to my mom. She has open brain surgery scheduled at 5:00 am tomorrow. It's just not fair. Why do such bad things happen to such good people? My grandma has been through so much in the last decade. She lost the love of her life ( my grandpa Leo) to Alzheimer's when I was in sixth grade. She misses him every single day. She lives alone, no one calls, no one visits. GOD I wish I did that more often. Here's the thing about  my grandma... she's the kind of old lady that you just want to wrap your hands around and just hold her. Shes 4'9, round, and always smiling... even if she is hurting inside. She offers everyone candy, cake, or something to eat every single time she sees them. She always tells the most interesting stories about her life as a little girl growing up in a small village in Ukraine. GOD I wish I had listened more.

So, how does anger play into this? Well obviously I am angry this happened to her. I am angry that my grandpa was taken from her. I am angry that she is alone 97% of the time... and most importantly I am angry I let that happen. Nevertheless, none of these reasons are why I am writing this post. I am writing this post because of what my mom told me about 40 minutes ago about the night she took my grandma to the ER. Are you ready? If this doesn't get your blood boiling, I really don't know what else will. My mom brought my 80 year old grandma in the the emergency room, her leg was having painful seizures because the tumor was pressing on a nerve... she was screaming from the pain. Want to know how she was greeted at the ER? She was told to take a seat because a "wiggling" leg wasn't the most serious emergency that they had to handle. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! There is an 80 year old woman in terrible pain and you tell her to take a seat?! Oh I wish it ended there. Next the doctor gives her morphine and tells my mom to "take her home". When my mom refuses and demands that they do more tests... he replies to her. "There is no way that I am going to let this patient take up an 'overnight' bed in the ER. for a little twitching in her leg" ... My mom was shocked. Needless to say, she stared him straight in the eyes and told him he better run more tests because there could be something wrong in her brain causing the seizures. What does the doctor do? HE FUCKING LEAVES. Leaves and writes a note to the nurses that the only reason my grandma is staying overnight is because my mom caused a "scene". Ya. Next morning a different doctor came in talked to my grandma and my mom... asked THREE questions and automatically sent her up for serious inspection. Three hours later, the MRI showed the brain tumor.

This brought my blood to a boil. "What the hell is this doctors name?!" I ask my mom. "File a fucking law suit against him for denying adequate care!!" My mom looks me in the eyes and says "We will deal with it after the surgery and when we see how things go".

No. This isn't something that should EVER go unnoticed. People like this man SHOULD NEVER be allowed to be in a position of "helping others". This man needs a kick in the ass and a reality check. He didn't even care about my grandma. He didn't care about her cookies, or her smile, or her life stories, or her grand kids. She was NO ONE to him... Just another number before he could go home and eat his dinner. No. This isn't OK. And I am angry. Angrier than I have EVER been probably.

So back to the question... Why is it so impossible to avoid anger?

Because of stories like this. Because it forces you to realize that you don't want to EVER become the kind of person that this man was. Because it makes you stop for a moment and think "wow I cant believe I just felt all of those horrible things". Just imagine how angry that man must be... he is so angry that he dosent even care about the story behind the faces of his patients. He is so angry that he lost faith in the whole point of his job...(helping others). He is so angry that he could look an 80 year old woman in the face and turn her away, seeing that she is in pain. Anger exists so that we feel it. It also exists so that we choose either to let it overtake us... or to let it go. I was angry. I still AM angry...

But I will let it go.

I know that life moves in a circle and soon his actions will catch up with him. I know that my grandma will be ok. And I also know my mom's gonna slap his ass with either a law suit or a bitch out. Either way, I know I won't be angry forever.

But he will be angry forever.

I love you grandma Zoya. Good Luck.
xoxo

Chain.

Its funny how things work out, isn't it? Do you ever think about how if ONE moment in your past had gone differently? What if? Would everything be different? Would you be the person that you are today? Would things be better or worse? Questions like this have been running in and out of my mind constantly the last few days. Looking back on how everything has happened... Every bad and good thing has fit together like a puzzle piece, bringing me one step closer to the place I am right now... and to the person that I eventually will be. Each moment of my life has shaped some part of who I am. Each experience, friend, love, laugh, cry, and heartbreak has molded me slowly from a young and naive child into a wiser and more mature adult. Today I feel like I have discovered something. Discovered how life consists of a chain of events that in the end all make sense. Some of the events are so hard and painful it feels almost unbearable. Being heartbroken, learning someone you love has cancer, feeling betrayed, being lost and alone. And some events are so blissful and amazing that it feels like you are standing on a cloud. Love, travelling, laying in bed with your best friends laughing about nothing, and realizing that you CAN make a difference. I feel like today I discovered the reason these things happen... To make us grow and realize that the purpose of the negative things and the positive things in life, and in the end to be completely content with both. To love the bad things that happen to us, because they shaped us into the GOOD people that we are today, because the lessons they each us make us strong, and because they made us learn and grow. To love the good moments because they make us see how lucky we are to have been given the chance to live, to feel love and happiness, to meet and make friends and lovers. The hard part about the positive things in life is that we all know that at some point they will end... and that no matter if we like it or not there probably will be more negative things that happen to us, eventually. Fear of the unknown, fear of pain, and fear of loss, all are so unfortunate. Honestly, as of this moment I am in a wonderful place in my life. I am happy, content, and balanced. I also am ok with accepting that I might not ALWAYS feel this way. I know that I am about to face a very difficult year... dealing with the possibility of death in my family, loss of friends, and uncertainty. I also know that I will make it through it, and I will probably come out being a even stronger person then I am right now. I know that I have to say goodbye to the cloud I am living on right now, and let myself come back to reality. But I also know that I have more clouds waiting for me in the future... More bliss, more love, more happiness. So as I sit back and let my life unfold... I hold the knowledge and faith that each moment is bringing me closer to the place that I am supposed to be.

Thank you 818.



4 days till im back in the 801.

My best friend, and my big sister. I love you Ash... Thanks for everything you have taught me this year/

Some of the amazing people I have met here.

New Port beach= my destiny (I hope)

This is Sanj being super happy... (and drunk)

Thank you Leanna... you understand me better then ANYONE. You will always be one of my best friends! I love you!!!

giving love

I want to dedicate this post to a very amazing, strong, inspiring person... My mom. My mom is one in a million, she is the rock of my entire family. She is the person that holds us together during the hardest times, she is the person who pushes me, my brother, and my dad every single day to be better, and she is the person that I hope to someday be. My mom has ALWAYS pushed me. I wouldn't have gone to Israel, Europe, California, if it weren't for her pushing me to experience everything I can. She is the type of woman that makes a promise, keeps it, and more importantly makes sure that, that promise is carried out. From little things like scheduling a doctors appointment, to big decisions like graduate school, my mom will go to the ends of the earth to make sure that I am taken care of. She has shown me and my entire family what it is like to love unconditionally. We have had our differences... Just like any mother and daughter sometimes do. But I never have doubted the fact that she would do absolutely anything to make sure that I am the best person I can be, and have the best life possible. I know that I can call her at two in the morning bawling my eyes out... and that she would sit on the phone with me all night long.I know I can tell her I have a stomach ache and come home to soup and medicine and a comfy bed. I know that she will sit on the computer for 5 hours re-registering me for my classes that are completely full because I forgot to pay my tuition on time. I know that she will plan a entire party for me to show everyone how proud she is of my for graduating... and I know that she would step in front of a bullet for me. Today was a very hard day for me. I realized that I take my mom for granted a lot. I realized how much she actually does for me and my family. I feel like I always looked at my mom as a iron plate... someone who cant be bent or broken. I never realized that she could be going through something hard. And it broke my heart to hear her upset this mothers day. My grandma has Cancer... and my mom has sat by her side every single day through sugary, treatment, cleaning and feeding her. She never showed me that she can break but I guess somethings I should know better. It was eye opening to hear my mom say she needed me... I never really looked at it that way. I always looked at the situation as ME needing HER. Today really made me realize a lot... and it made me grow up and realize how much I love her and owe her and were my priorities should truly be. I hope to be the daughter that she is to my grandma to her... and I hope even more to be the type of strong mother and woman that she is. I love you mom... and I am sorry.