Sink or Swim

Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

Should there be a limit to how high you can hold your expectations of other people?

This is something I am struggling with lately, wondering about;  how much can you expect from people, before you push them away?

Is it better to end up alone... then to settle for less then you think that you "deserve"?

Personally, I seem to hold extremely high standards for what I look for in friendships, and relationships.

The people I have the highest expectation for; seem to also be the people who have somehow hurt me, or who have somehow challenged my trust.

So, why shouldn't I have high expectations from them? I sometimes feel that because someone else hurt me... that in order for them to be apart of my life, they will constantly need to be redeeming themselves.

I am the type of person who forgives people... but doesn't forget what they did.

And if someone did something that really hurt me, apart of me will always hold that against them.

Yes, I wish I could change this characteristic about myself... But I can't. It is who I am. I'll forgive you, but I won't forget.

Lately, I have had two very important people in my life working very hard to get my trust, forgiveness, and friendship back.

However, I don't recipricate the effort.

It really scares me... Because I don't want to be the type of person who "pushes others away". But I do... I hold them at a arms distance.

I don't know if I do these things in order to avoid pain, conflict, or simply because I was so hurt that I literally became numb to these people.

These friendships meant the entire world to me... and having them turn their backs on me during a extremely vulnerable time in my life, really affected my perception of them. And forced me to really revaluate and question their place in my life.

Now, things have changed. Both, have made a enormous effort to show me that they are sorry for their mistakes, love me, and value my friendship.

And I am thankful for that. I did miss their presence in my life... But at the same time, I found friendships with other people that I never have to question. Friends that I know won't ever turn their backs on me, and leave me. Having these new "fresh" starts with people really causes me to wonder if its even worth the effort to rekindle the relationships that have caused me so many tears.

I can't seem to force myself to "try" to make it work again. And I believe that real friendships shouldn't have to be so difficult.

I mean; a friend, is a friend.

Should I lower my expectations?

Is it worth it?

For once, I really don't know.

Investment.

"No body said it was easy... But they said it would be worth it"

"Is it really worth it?" I have been asking myself this question for the last two weeks.

Two weeks, that have been FILLED with GRE prep books, flash cards, resume writing (and re writing) and HOURS spent researching graduate programs.

Needless to say I feel drained. And its only the first dent, in the next three months of my life.

I keep wondering... Why am I doing this to myself? I am only 20 years old, and this is only my third year of college.... Im already on top of my game. Why do I need to pack my schedule will 16 upper division psychology classes, try to get into graduate school, and participate in all these "extra" circular activities?

I mean I could have taken less classes, I could graduate a semester later then Spring 2012...  I could....

But, if I did that then I would be giving up something else.

I would be giving up the chance to move back to California, and be truly happy again.

Its hard in the moment sometimes... When I am sitting there looking at the pile of papers, exams, and books to remember the bigger picture.

The bigger picture of my life.

The fact that if I push myself RIGHT NOW and work hard... I can be doing something amazing in a few years.

I can be doing something that will make a difference, in someone else's life.

At moments I loose sight of this. At moments I wonder "why am I trying to grow up so fast?"

But then I remember.... Its NOT about growing up. Its not about these exams or resumes.

Its about being the person that changes someone else's life. And doing something that MATTERS.

I am ready to do those things. Sitting in a classroom, working at a meaningless job, stuck in a city that doesn't make me happy.... Isn't what I want to be doing.

And in order to be where I want to be, I need to dedicate time and effort.

Sometimes, it feels impossible.

Sometimes, I want to give up.

But  I won't.

I won't give up.... on something that I want.

And the thing that  I want  most is to make something of myself, have a voice, and help other people.

I have to hold my head high and continue this journey.

So that... In one year, I can say that "Yes, it was hard.... but I would do it all over again, because what I have achieved IS worth it."

Cat and Mouse.

"We always want what we can't have"

How true is this statement? 

We hear it ALL the time. When we want that Coco Chanel purse, a private Island, or that tempting chocolate cake (first day on the new no carb diet). Yes, we hear that statement FAR to often. 

Another place where this statement seems to come up often is in relationships.

Unfortunately... It seems to be very true.

I have noticed that I always pursue relationships and friendships that are out of reach. 

Either because of distance, or because I seem to be attracted to "emotionally unavailable" people.

Regardless, it really sucks. 

Its funny also because people often say that we attract the types of people that "reassure" us about how we secretly feel about ourselves.

And...

I personally don't think I view myself in a negative light. I think I am smart, motivated, passionate, personable, and caring. 

Yes, I have things about myself that I would change... but nothing that makes me feel insecure or forces me to feel like I  require validation from someone else. 

So, HOW COME I seem to yearn for the people that make me feel like I did something wrong?

WHY do I obsessively over think every single detail... about someone who is clearly too consumed with their own life to worry about me?

Is it because I like a challenge? Do I want a project to work on? Does it make me feel like I am doing something meaningful by trying to be the light in that persons tunnel?

Also...

WHY do I push away any sign of love or commitment? Isn't that what I am trying to get out of those other "unavailable" relationships? 

But when I have it... I seem to avoid it like its a cockroach. 

It causes me to wonder. What am I doing to MYSELF? Why am I so caught up in something... that is clearly not worth it? And WHY am I so afraid of a REAL commitment... and REAL love? 

I know I can have it... honestly I want it. I want to feel love for someone, and feel like they love me back.

I don't want to question it.

I don't want to play the stupid "cat and mouse" game of who texted who first, or how long I should wait to text back.

So, WHY am I pursing the WRONG people constantly? The people who clearly are not capable of giving me those things... and WHY do I keep pushing away the ones who can?

Have I been so burned by love, that I have learned to avoid it at all costs?

I have so many question's... and absolutely NO answers. All I can hope for is that someday someone comes along that changes things for me.

Someone that can break my wall and at the same time, be ready to fall in love with me back.

Cause the biggest question I have tonight is really...

What is life with out love?

We/Me

Love is something that is very rare to come by these days.

We all want it, search for it, yearn for it.

Most of us spend hours, months, days and even years... obsessing over someone else who we think  we "love".

And a lot of the time we end up heartbroken, lost, alone, and devastated.

Its funny how much time and effort people  put into "relationships" and into finding that perfect person.

Its also funny how while we spend so much time and effort searching for "the one" we usually end up forgetting to search for ourselves....

So many of us get caught up in relationships with other people. That we tend to forget about the most important person in our lives (ourselves).

I strongly believe that in order for love to exist between two people... each person must first learn to love and respect themselves first. To be independent, have accomplishments and a life separate from that relationship.

How can you build a solid foundation of a relationship-If the only thing that keeps your life going is that relationship?

It boggles my mind to see how many amazing people; that are capable of achieving amazing things... get stuck in a relationship with someone and end up settling. End up giving up amazing opportunities, goals, achievements... all because they think its worth it for love.

Now, don't get me wrong. Love IS worth sacrifices and of course it requires people to adjust and compromise their lives. I UNDERSTAND that.

What I am trying to get across is that... Its so easy to get lost in someone else.

I know this because... I have been there.

I also have learned that NO relationship will ever work... If that relationship is the only thing that you devote your energy and heart too.

Its so easy to get caught up in love.

But just remember... 10 years down the road. Once butterflies die off a little bit, and children are crying at 3 in the morning... You wont have any time for regrets on "what you could have done" with your life apart from that person. And feeling bitterness... isn't what any of us strive for when we picture our lives in the future.

So fall in love... But don't forget to love YOU first.

14 days.

Honestly I do not even know where to start this post.

Its crazy how much life can change in 14 days.

The last two weeks have been so life changing, eye opening, happy, and sad all at the same time.

My life has been changed and re evaluated, and I as a person feel completely different then EVER before.

Yes, yes... I always write about moments, lessons, stories that have effected me or changed my life.

But these last two weeks have done more then I can even begin to describe.

I lost my grandma to cancer, went to Israel, found friendships and strong connections with amazing people, experienced and saw incredible things... and learned so much about how strong love really is.

Let me first start with my beautiful Grandma. May she rest in peace and know that her kindness, love, passion, laughter still lives on in every single person that had the privilege to know her.

I was gone for her passing and for her funeral. And as much as I never got the chance to get that final moment of closure... I know that she wanted me to be in Israel. She wanted me to be there and experience life.

I know shes watching over me. My mom lit a candle for her, one that was supposed to stay lit for 7 days.

It stayed lit for 10... and went out the moment I got home from my trip.

I know that was her waiting for me; making sure that I got home ok. Watching over me.

She was the most amazing person I have ever met. No one can say one negative thing about her. Never did she complain or say she was in pain... Never did she ask for us to stay by her side. She would tell me "go live your life, dont stay here with me... your young, beautiful, smart, you shouldn't be spending your day in a nursing home watching an old lady be sick."

But I wanted to be there.

I wanted to watch her and learn from her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be ok.

I just wish I got to say goodbye.

In a way I guess I did...

I put on note for her into the Western Wall.  The only way I could say good bye... from 3000 miles away.

3000 miles away in the most INCREDIBLE country in the world.

Its crazy how much Israel changes my life and my perspective EACH time that I go there.

Its so alive, so proud, so welcoming, so peaceful. Contrary to what the media makes you believe.

There is a presence there that I have NEVER felt before.  No other country I have been too seems to compare. Its like one big Jewish family ANY where that you go. Families take six strangers in and feed them lunch and welcome them into their homes every single week for Shabbat.

Where else  in the world does that happen?

The people I met on my trip also were amazing.

Each one of them in their own special way.

A handful of them however, really made a huge impact on my life. I met a few girls that I know will be LIFE long friends. And some pretty incredible guys that made me laugh, cry, and showed me not EVERY single man is a asshole. And that it is ok to open up... and let someone in.

And that is pretty incredible... because I am probably the most guarded person when it comes to getting close to anyone.

I hope that everything that I have learned and realized in the last few weeks really stays with me. I hope I dont loose it, now that im back in reality.

Its so hard to keep in touch. To remember the purpose of things. To make that amazing change in your life. When your not constantly being reminded of it.

But I really hope I am strong enough not to forget.

And I hope that the choices that I make... will better my life, make me a better person, and help me grow into someone like the woman my grandma Zoya was. Someone that is so strong, kind, good, welcoming, smart, and incredible.

I want to live my life, knowing that on the day that I die; no one could say something terrible about me.

Just like Zoya.

And these amazing people that I had the chance to meet... and going to Israel; only brought me one step closer to becoming that person.

RIP babushka. I love you.

 Now a few pics from the Trip:

The two L's.

Love.

Its a topic I try to avoid... not exactly the easiest subject for me to write about.

It is something that many people are afraid to talk about, write about, or hear about.

I happen to be one of those people.

For me-Love has not been a fairy tale. It has not all been beautiful. It has not been easy and effortless.

But it has been motivating. And it has taught me things that I will carry with me throughout my lifetime.

Love has made me a better person.

And a logical person too.

But the greatest lesson love has taught me is that it carrys no limits and no boundaries.

I have learned that you can fall in love with anything from a person, animal, concept, sport, place, idea, and even yourself (Narcissus the Greek man who fell in love with his own reflection and turned into a flower: Greek mythology).

Love is something that is universal. It has no definite definition or requirement... It can be felt and expressed in MILLIONS of different ways.

I personally have felt love in all sorts of ways.

I have felt love for a man, family, country, city, food, moment, stranger, song, movie, friend... the list is endless.

But something came across me today... The greatest love I have EVER felt was love for LIFE.

It really hit me today how lucky I am to have been blessed with the beauty of being alive, healthy, and happy...

Every single opportunity lies in front of me. Every breathe I take... can be taken away in a moment.

I LOVE the fact that life is so precious. So unpredictable. And the fact that I somehow got lucky enough to experience it.

Something else I learned about love is that it is not always fair.

We can fall in love with someone who will never love us back. We can get hurt, and feel broken...

Life is the same exact way.

Sometimes things happen-and there is NO explanation to why... it doesn't seem fair or logical.

Why do kids have to starve?
When celebs are spending 5000 on a pair of shoes.

Why did a pregnant woman have to die in a car crash?
When a teenager decided to get behind the wheel while drunk.

Why did a 21 year old girl get cancer and die?
When every other 21 year old is out there thinking they are invincible.

Why did a 14 year old kill himself?
When everyone else thought it was funny to make fun of him.

Life; just like love... is unexplainable.

A lot of people avoid talking, writing, and hearing about life.

Just like love.

It hit me how crazy it is... how connected and similar they are.

And it really made me realize just how deep my LOVE of life runs.

I love my life enough to want to make it MATTER. To make a difference that SOMEHOW will help answers all of those questions...  that do not make senese or seem fair.

Yes, talking and writing about love is difficult for me. But writing about life seems to come easy.

I just never really realized that love plays into life... and that love doesn't have to be about any ONE person.

It can be about anything.

The Final Chapter.

Its crazy how putting a pen to paper can change the world.

I just finished watching the last Harry Potter movie... and it really got me thinking.

One woman, sitting in a cafe in England....simply put a pen on a napkin... and created something that changed the lives of millions of people in the world.

She created a story, a world, people, friendships, love, war, hate, pain, courage, with nothing more then words scattered on a page.

It made me realize how beautiful writing and imagination are...That people have the ability to think of stories like this one; to create whole new worlds where ANYTHING is possible.

How CRAZY is that?

One woman. One mind. One thought. One pen.

Started ALL of this...

Brought millions of children into a magical world that they could get lost in for a few hours, billions of dollars into the box office, created an entire theme park, and most importantly touched and entire generation... and many more to come.

How INCREDIBLE is that?

Tonight I felt so many things as I was watching the last minutes of the final movie. I felt happy, sad, scared, old... and young.

I had grown up with these characters. Spent hours and hours reading and re-reading each one of the books. Watched each movie countless numbers of times... and dreamed about the day I get to go to Florida and go to HARRY POTTER world.

All of my childhood, all of those moments I was lost in this fantasy world... trickled down to this moment... the LAST of something that I had LOVED so much. Something that had brought me so much comfort, beauty, enjoyment.

And as I was feeling all of these things (over a movie). It really struck me that JK ROWLING had changed my life... she had touched my life with her amazing imagination. She had made me fall in love with people that didn't and WONT ever exist.... All just by writing down something that she had created in her mind.

How beautiful is that?

She did this for millions of people in the world.
Her words touched the lives of nearly EVERY single person in our generation.
Her thoughts and imagination.... have created something that will NEVER die... long after she does.

It really makes you take a moment and think... what your own words can do, and what your own mind can create.

Because remember.... before she was JK. ROWLING the writer of one of the most influential books in the world- she was just like any of us.

A struggling single mother, with no money, a shitty job, trying to make do for her kids....


Sitting in a cafe; scribbling on a old napkin.

Isnt it amazing what a pen and a paper can do?