Charlie.

 With all of the negative things that have happened to my family this past year... We needed some light in our lives. Charlie has provided us with something positive too look forward too every day after school and work... He represents the innocence that we lost this year. He is bringing us closer together and making us back into a family again. For the first time in a long time I feel like things between us are going back to normal. 

Its true... Dogs really are mans best friend. 

Trouble with me is.

Holding on,

I tend to do it quite often...

relationships, friendships, forgiveness, anger, hurt, love, and disagreement... I have trouble letting things go.

WHY do I still spend nearly every single night in tears before I go to sleep crying... wishing my grandma was still here?

Most people would have found closure.

WHY do I still hold onto the moments I spent with my old friends... Even though they have made no effort to be in my life?

Most people would never even give them a second thought.

WHY do I obsess over someone, when they clearly dont care about me?

Most people would not waste their time.

WHY cant I trust the people that have hurt me, even though they have proved they have changed?

Most people know how to forget.

WHY is it so hard for me to walk away from a fight?

Most people dont believe it is worth the cost.

I realized something very important about myself...

I care about things much more then most people do, it is harder for me to let go of little things. When I fall for someone-I fall hard, when I say that "I love you" I mean it. My friends mean the world to me, and I am very bad at accepting things.

Some of these things are good... some are bad.

However, each one of these characteristics shapes me into the person that I am.

It is VERY hard for me to open up.

 I fall hard... But, I do not fall easy.

There have only been a small number of people in my life that have made HUGE impacts on me.

Some of them in a positive way, some in a negative way...

Either way... I finally have learned to accept this about myself.

I might be considered a "drama queen", "bitch",  "grudge holder".... etc.

But, at least I give a fuck.

At least I care enough about life, people, and things to really FEEL something.

Sometimes, I stand in my own way, and sometimes my emotions get ahead of me....

Yes... I hold on to things, I can be dramatic, I care way too much, I fight even if there is no point in fighting.

But, I wont ever walk away from the people I love... I wont ever give up, I will always be there, and I will always care....

Its hard to find this in people these days,

For the first time in my life... I am proud of myself for being who I am.

Yes. I give a shit... and yes I am a emotional, dramatic, opinionated, honest, loving, caring, bitch that will always love you and will always be there for you... Even if I secretly am still mad at you for something you did three years ago.

And I am proud of it.

Regret.

Remember when we were free?

Moments together felt endless

Everlasting love

Our friendship had no limit

Raw, young, naive.

Sometimes I sit and wonder, 

How did things end up this way?

Dont you remember?

How we used to spend each day.

Together we were perfect,

No one could compare.

Memories so empty,

like they were never there.

I keep staring into my reflection, 

Wishing you were here.

All I see are stone cold stares,

Coming from your empty eyes.

Forgotten.

Or, never even there.

Did it even happen?

It just doesn't seem fair.

You walked away from everything,

You didn't even care.

But I must look past you, 

And dare myself to trust.

Someone will soon come by, 

and teach me how to love.

Till then my heart is done,

Longing for the past.

I will move on and grow stronger, 

Ill take a second chance.

I hope one day you remember, 

The moments that we shared.

Someday you'll sit there wishing, 

Our friendship was still there.

Its easy to walk away,

Instead of standing up to fight.

Time makes us stronger,

Like photographs-pain fades.

One day you will regret, 

the choices that you made. 

Life constantly reminds us, 

Friendship isn't easy-nothing ever is.

But, to walk away like it ment nothing.

Well that was quite the statement,

That you made. 

Lets hope you weren't mistaken.

Once something has been damaged, 

It cant always be replaced. 

Forgiveness isn't promised, 

And, regret can linger on.

Autumn

How much do I love Fall? ....

Lets just say.... 

Enough to want to name my future child (far away future) 

Autumn Grace ______ 

or

Autumn Marie ______

Hey, I am a girl... Its normal. 

Right?

Claim to the name!!! 

<3 

Masked.

I have learned that things aren't always what the appear.

Sometimes realizing this is hard...

I have realized just because something seems good, doesn't mean that it is.

Just because your beautiful, doesn't mean your a beautiful person.

You think you are in love with someone, when you really just need to love yourself.

Wanting something so bad it hurts, only means that you are forgetting to appreciate what you have.

Longing for the past, holds you back from the future.

Giving in, isn't any different then giving up.

Friendships that are supposed to last a life time, can end in a day.

Hurt, eventually fades.

Success, is not happiness

Unbreakable people, can bend.

Love, can change.

Most importantly, I learned, that no matter how much you think your doing everything right, you probably have made mistakes.

And....

Mistakes, are not always bad.

Sometimes it feels like we are taking a path that is leading us no where. Its scary, and doubt constantly creeps into our minds.

"Is this REALLY what I want?", "Am I going to do something meaningful?", "Why is everyone around me so pretty...?", "What is the purpose?".

Questions, choices, mistakes, lessons, growth.

Taken together- we slowly begin to see situations for what they really are. We are forced into the  realization that bad things can turn into good, and even that good things can turn into bad.

I have realized a lot, and have seen situations, people, and friendships change.

Some of those changes hurt, other felt amazing... But most importantly they made me look at my life and my future with a better perspective.

The perspective that each moment...

I feel like I am loosing-a week later I can be winning.

Each time my heart breaks-someone else will make it whole again.

Friends that walk away-will be replaced with better ones.

Hurt- will turn into strength.

Letting go of the past-will open up a better future.

Yes, things aren't always what the appear...

Diagnosis

A little girl; with no hair for her mommy to braid.

A 25 year old man; no promise of a future.

A 80 year old grandma; hopeless fear & pain in her desperate grasp

Cancer-does not discriminate.

Each one of us has been touched by the effects of this unmerciful disease.

It might have been your best friends mother, a neighbor, god forbid- your child, grandmother, aunt or uncle, or even YOU.

100% of us have felt the impact and fear that comes with the diagnosis. Directly or not...it hurts.

As those of you who follow my blog know... I lost my grandmother to this disease two months ago.

There are still nights that I lay awake crying. Moments when I pick up the phone to call her for advice. Picture her laugh and smile. Crave to hold her hand in mine. There are times when the weight of missing her literally HURTS my heart and burns my throat.

I want nothing more then to hold her one last time... and tell her I love her, and that I strive to be the type of woman that she was.

The beauty of my grandmother was that she NEVER complained, never asked for pity, never spoke a negative word.

After her radiation and chemo treatment she would come back to the nursing home frail and quivering.

She would say, "I am not a tragedy. I lived a long and beautiful life, raised an amazing family, loved and travelled... A true tragedy is the 26 year old woman who was in the waiting room with two children and a scarf on her head... She has a life too live, a family to feed, and memories to make. I have done those things. I am not afraid to die. She has just began to live."

Like I said before, cancer does not discriminate.

It does not care if your 5 years old, just finished college, or have a family.

Each day, millions of people hear the words "you have cancer"

Each day, millions of people loose their battle

Each day, survivors live with the scars.

But... more importantly we need to remember.

Each day, we fight for a cure

Each day, we live like it is our last

Each day, we do something GOOD

....

Is a day that brings beauty into life, and gives those millions of "fighters" something worth fighting for.

1 out of 3 people develops cancer. 1 out of 5 people dies because of it.

You or I, could fall into those statistic.

The reality of that fact- is undeniable, scary, painful, and wrenching.

But it is a reality.

Even if you are not part of that statistic, even if you havent been affect, even if you dont believe in what I believe in- PLEASE try to remember...

Someone, somewhere, just lost their life... It could have been a child, a mother or a father, grandmother.

Regardless of who it was.

Remember that: YOU are still here.

You have been blessed with the beauty of health, the chance to live your life, and the ability to love....

Do something that makes life matter. Live your life to your fullest potential... For the ones who lost theirs.

Dont ever stop fighting. Dont ever give up. Dont ever stop counting your blessings.

Because a few bad test results, doctors visits, and three simple words... Can change everything.

In a moment you could be gone.

Make it count.

xoxo

RIP
Steve Jobs

&

I love and miss you Grandma... Every night I lay there and picture moments with you.... Ill never forget.

Reality.

I had a few reality checks in the last few weeks.

Each one was eye opening, some in a good way... others not so much.

The first, unfortunately, was a reoccurring reality check. You think I would have learned from previous situations....

This reality check made me ask myself the question that none of us want to ask, "how the hell are you so stupid, Sandra?! Didn't you learn anything?".

You would think that I have learned that relationships are a TWO way street. I seemed to have thought I mastered this concept also... Guess not.

Someone comes into your life that makes you forget all that wisdom you have gained from previous relationships (gone bad)... and somehow you find yourself obsessing over the SAME situation, just with another person.

It hit me the last few weeks: No matter HOW bad you want someone in your life. They will only be there if they WANT to be there, just AS BAD or MORE then you want them there.

You can force it. You cant wish for it. You cant change it.

You just have to accept it, and move on.

If they aren't fighting to be with you, you shouldn't be fighting to be with them. End of story.

You are much better off fighting for the people that are putting in a effort to be apart of your life, and doing whatever it takes; for you to be apart of theirs. They are the ones who truly LOVE and care about you.

Thank god; I got hit with that one... (again)

Second, I remembered how important health is.

It is true, if you don't have health... you don't have ANYTHING.

Watching my mom go through heart surgery, and get a pace maker.

And, seeing how much the dynamic of my family has changed in the last year; all due to health issues, really opened my eyes to how important it is to take care of yourself.

Cancer, heart disease, anxiety attacks... All of these things can be either prevented or the risks could be reduced, just by taking better care of our bodies.

Exercising, eating healthy, relaxing, catching up on sleep.... Essential things, that seem to take a back burner to stress, fast food, and unhealthy habits.

Watching my family go from perfect... to a completely disorganized, depressed, mess... was not what I was expecting, to happen... just because of health issues.

Even though it has been the hardest year of my life, I have learned a very crucial lesson from all of this.

Appreciate my body, appreciate my soul, appreciate time to relax.

This reality check was the hardest one... But it was defiantly needed.

Third, I  was forced to remember that I have a limit.

I always bite off more then I can chew, because I want to push myself to be a better person.

This unfortunately has come with many negative consequences.

Instead of giving my all to something, I can only give it partial attention, because I have SO many other things going on.

I realized that I need to take a step back. And re-evaluate what I am capable of handling.

Just because I cant do EVERYTHING... Doesn't mean that I am failing. I needed to realize that.

I try so hard to be perfect, and to do everything that I can to make sure that I live my life according to my highest expectations.

I never thought I would fail because I was expecting SO much out of myself. I cracked under my own pressure.

This reality check taught me that I need to: Take a step back, inhale... exhale, and handle ONE thing at a time...

Quality is better then quantity. And I haven't been doing quality work, because I have been doing a quantity of it.

This reality check was a blessing in disguise.

Needless to say, this last month has not been smooth sailing.

It has been one challenge, followed by another.

But, somehow I have survived.

Yes, there have been sleepless nights, tears, constant looking at my cell phone (waiting for a text or a call that never came), neck cramps due to stress, hospital visits, and fights.

However, I have learned and grown from each of these things. I have been forced to re-evaluate many things in my life, and been brought down to a more realistic perspective.

So thank you. Thank you LIFE for challenging me... and thank you for making me realize what is-and what is not important.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality.

Take a moment, take a breathe, stop.... and think.

xoxo