It has been a while since I have had the urge to write a blog. For me. writing is something that I only do when I get the natural urge... When something suddenly dawns on me and I feel like it is inevitable to share it with someone.
I have noticed that in moments of my life when I feel like I am growing, learning, discovering, and happy I seem to write more often. I know I am not the best at spelling and grammar- forget about it. Yet, something about putting my thoughts down on paper or on the screen in front of me gives me clarity in a way that I cant even begin to explain.
The last few months have been difficult for me. I went from processing my life, emotions, and self nearly every day too almost not at all. During Spring and Fall semester of my graduate school program each day I was either in personal therapy, practicum, or mentoring. I was learning so much about myself and growing. With summer semester all of that stopped.
I think it took some time for me to realize how much just talking about your feelings and having others understand and listen to you really does for people. Including myself. Yes, I am in training to be a therapist and you would think out of everyone that I would understand how much just feeling validated can do for you.
Honestly, I don't think I realized it until just recently.
These past few months I have felt myself take a few steps back from the place I had gotten to in this past year. I found myself overthinking things with my friends, relationships, life, career. Change became overwhelming and scary. I found myself feeling very isolated and pulling back from some of my closest friends.
I didn't really know was happening, until I began my internship and we began processing again. I suddenly found myself getting anxious when it came my turn to share my emotions with the group.
Intellectualizing everything once again seemed much easier then talking about feelings. Talking about how isolated from my classmates I have felt since summer began and how I have contributed too that by opting out of hanging out with them, loosing my roommates because of situations that were out of my control, missing my family, beginning a crazy schedule and a career that actually puts me in a position of responsibility for another human beings life and well being... Talking about any of the emotions surrounding all these things seemed a lot harder then becoming introverted and focusing on the facts:
Friendships change overtime and maybe this is just normal. People move on- so why should I put in effort if they don't? Roommates will always come and go- so get over it and deal. You are on adult now- it is normal not living in the same place as your parents. You picked this career and crazy schedule- suck it up and deal with it.
It is so much easier too look at it from an intellectual perspective. Why feel when you can think?
As I sat in the chair during my group supervision process time and listened as the fellow interns shared their emotions.... I realized how much I have pent up in the past few months. I went from processing everything daily and then suddenly completely stopped.
I hadn't even let myself feel the emotion surrounding any of these things... because I have been so focused on getting through them and "moving on".
My turn came.
I began talking and instantly my throat tightened, heart beat rose, and voice quivered. I spoke for the first time in two months... I spoke about my fear of looking weak, needy, and vulnerable. About feeling like there is something wrong with me because I don't feel as included with my girlfriends lately- and how I might be contributing too it. My fear of beginning therapy and if I would be good at it... When I myself have issues opening up sometimes.
I just let myself feel everything.
It was overwhelming, difficult, and scary. But SO liberating.
In that moment I realized how powerful it is for people to process and understand their feelings. I remembered why I choose this career path and the impact that it makes in peoples lives. I remembered how much I grow each and every single time I sit down in that chair with my colleagues, classmates, and clients. I remembered how important it is for me as a therapist and as a person to continue growing, processing, and learning about myself.
We are all human. We all have stories and pasts. We all have filters from our experiences that make us interpret information in a totally different way then anyone else.
Personally, when I go through a difficult time in my life that involves change I become introverted and rely on myself. I always get told by others that I am very independent... Which I am. But being independent at times when you need someone can be extremely lonely and isolating. True independence is being able to say "Listen I am having a rough time with this... Can I talk to you about it" and being able to be interdependent with the people in your life that you know are there for you.
Change can be exciting. Usually, I like adventure and change- it is challenging for me. However, so many changes in my life at once has been extremely overwhelming. I feel shell shocked and scared about how I am going to handle it.
I have so much invested in this time of my life and this experience. Constantly I find myself thinking about how I am going to handle everything at once... I worry about not living up to my expectations, messing up, hurting others, my performance.
There has been so much worry that I have had little time enjoying the experience and the positive. Instead of reaching out and expressing my fears and feelings. I have pent them up inside of me and created a self-fulfilling prophecy- pulling back from the people and things that would help me realize how lucky I actually am.
Thankfully, I have an amazing group of people in my life that have my back no matter what. People that I know that I can lean on right now. People that love me and will be there for me even if I mess up. I am remembering how important it is for me to remember that and be independent enough too depend on them and be honest.
This clarity couldn't have come at a better time for me. My supervisor told me that as we grow in our profession as therapists we will have moment of progression and moments of regression: and that we need both in order to become the best we can as professionals.
These few months have been my regression. It has been difficult and I have felt scared and frustrated about loosing some of what I had gained. Yet, I am so thankful that being pulled back has allowed me too realize what I have learned in these past few days.
My last few weeks of summer before the storm begins:
