Reflection.

Cold wet grass.

Empty swing set.

Grey skies.

Perfect reflection of what we all became.

The past.

I would go back, tell myself, warn myself.

This wont last.

Sunshine and laughter.

Natural bliss.

Childhood innocence.

Love.

Cherish.

Remember this.

Happiness.

Playing.

Nothing else.

Friendship-didnt matter who you are.

Nerds with Jocks. Pot heads and Goths.

We didn’t care.

It didn’t matter.

Do you remember?

The past.

I would tell myself.

Remember your best friend.

I never thought we wouldn’t talk.

Boys and crushes.

Who likes who.

Love letters.

Now just another number.

We stopped caring.

And this is growing up?

Lost & Found

Lately I have been thinking about something that usually never crosses my mind. That something is religion, standards, and beliefs. Everyone that knows me... Knows that my family comes from a 100% Jewish blood line. Nevertheless, my parents choose to raise me and my brother in a very liberal non-religious house hold. As a child I always celebrated all the Jewish holidays, but was never denied a Christmas tree or chocolate on Easter. I always felt so lucky to have the chance to get to celebrate every single holiday. Winter holidays were the ALWAYS the best. I would get Hanukah gelt, Christmas presents, and New Years gifts too! In my world everything seemed perfect. I never realized how confused I had become on what these occasions actually meant. It was not until I entered middle school, that I realized how different I was then everyone else. I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah.... Probably one of the most religious states in America. It felt like everyone else had something to believe in. I always felt like I did not belong. It was hard to relate to everyone that had those beliefs in common. I remember trying to conform, trying to find my place. It was hard and I felt very conflicted about everything that I had been taught. I experimented... trying to find my place among my friends; one year I was the goody-good girl, the next I was drinking and hanging out with the stoners. I did not know what I believed, or what my standards were. Anger towards my parents grew and grew... WHY did they put me in this situation? Why didn’t they help me discover what to believe? Why does everyone know what they have faith in and I don’t? These questions swam through my head for years. I never understood who I was, were I fit in, or what I believed. It wasn’t until last December that I really understood my purpose here. Last December I got to go to Israel on a trip called Birthright, it is a trip for Jewish teenagers to experience the "homeland". In fourteen days all of my unanswered questions were answered. And for the first time ever I finally felt like I had found were I belong. I am not saying I became some religious person in two weeks. I still don’t believe any religion is right or wrong. I am only saying that I discovered who I am and where I come from. Being there among the people of Israel made me feel so much pride. There I saw people that were so passionate, so happy, and so dedicated to this tiny strip of land... to this beautiful country. Most importantly, I felt how much these people loved Israel and were proud to be Jewish. It was amazing to see how the Israeli people are so alive... in a country so full of death. For the first time I felt so proud of my heritage were I come from and what Jewish people had to go through in the past. I realized what I believe and what my standards in life are. I realized that I do have faith. Like I said before.... I am still not a religious person. But I do believe in purpose. I will not say if I think there is a god or isn’t a god. Frankly, I don’t know. However, I do believe that each person is here to do something. To touch someone else, to make mistakes, to learn, to live, and to decide for themselves what they believe. I believe I am here to change lives, to help other people, and to share what I have learned with others. I am so lucky to have had the chance to meet people from all around the world from different religions, different countries, states, and back grounds. And I must say I have learned something from every single person I have met. The chance to meet all of these amazing people has taught me that there is not one "right" religion. There is truth and beauty to each one. And most importantly if your religion makes you happy, makes you a better person, and gives you a reason to be your best, then it is the right religion for you. My own religion is living my life by my own standards. I cannot identify with any one faith... but I can say that I am happy to get to experience every single one, and take what I think is best from each.... and apply it to my own life. I run my own life. And I live by what I think is best for myself. I do not have any regrets and I am opened to every theory and possibility. I don’t feel constricted or unspiritual. I feel like I have figured out my own reality, my own religion, and my own path. And I finally understand why my parents raised me the way that they did. I understand now that they did not want me to look at life or the world through only one set of eyes. And for that I am thankful for that.

Some Pictures from Beautiful Israel:

You Got a Friend in Me

Its been a far to long time since I have had the chance to write. And in that time I have remembered a very special and important topic that I have yet to cover here on my blog. A topic that we can all relate to in some way. What is this topic? Friendship. Friendship is something that each of us experiences in some way throughout our life time. Either with our next door neighbor, pet, sibling, childhood friend, stuffed animal or college roommate. Friendship is a love so powerful that it can compete with almost any other type of love. We always turn to our friends in times of heartbreak, in time of happiness, and in times of confusion. And we learn that true friends are always there for us through the bad and the good times. I am very lucky to have a group of friends that has been my soild foundation for many years. They have held me through my darkest moments, and laughed with me through my greatest. This group of girls has inspired me to be a better person, to open my eyes, and to love unconditionaly. Each of them has changed my life in unexplainable ways. These types of people are hard to find in this world, and for me to be able to call them my friends... that makes me feel so blessed. I aspire to be like each of them in some way. I want to take a moment and let them know why I look up to them and love them so much.

Aubri Poulsen- I dont even know were to start. There are so many things I admire about you. You are the type of person who walks into a room and automatically the room becomes a better place to be in. You know how to make everyone feel special and important, and never judged or not good enough. Beauty comes from you...not only from the outside but more importantly from the inside.

Rachel Henriksen- You have been there for me through every single road bump. You always know what to say and you have the ability to hug a person and make them feel like everything is going to be ok. People like you are so rare. You are confident, smart and beautiful yet you will be a friend to anyone. You represent all of the things that I want to become, and I strive to have the type of presence you have in my life, and in many other peoples. You touch people... with your words and with your love.

Kylee Nielsen- My most passionate friend. I love that about you. You represent everything that life is about. You love with every bone in your body. I never have to doubt that no matter what you will be there for me. You are such a forgiving, kind, and loving person. You give everything that you have to the people that you love. This is such an rare thing to find in this world these days. Dont ever let the fire die. I love seeing that spark in your beautiful blue eyes.

Becca Roylance- Becs, you can bring logic and calm to any situation. You always remind me that I dont need to be so caught up in the negative. Because of you I have realized that I have the choice to look at every single situation in either a postive or negative light. You have shown me that being happy is easy... if you live your life according to a postive out look. Thank you for that.

Angie Fishler- Wow. We have been through.... well everything would be a understatement. I have experianced so many firsts with you. I think that the greatest lessons that I have learned have come from our friendship. I am the person that I am, because of our friendship. I will always remember us as little 12 year olds jumping on the wet tramp in socks, listening to one year six months, getting our first kisses, laughing so hard that we would cry (over nothing). You were the first person that showed me true friendship and unconditional love. Through all the good and bad things that we have been through... You will always hold an unreplaceable place in my heart.

These are a few of my best friends. They are all the most amazing people that I have in my life. Each of them has been a source of enlightenment and taught me so many lessons. I strive to hold the qualities that theses girls have, and I love and respect each of them in ways that they will never know. I hope that they realize how much they mean to me... and that I will carry their friendships with my through out my entire life. <3

Paper Towels

Life changing moments. They are hard to come by this day and age. We are all so consumed with work, school, money, clothes, OURSELVES that we fail to notice those little moments that remind us about what and who truly matters. Today in between my hectic last minute studying, facebook stalking, and mindless internet browsing I remembered one of those moments. I felt the need to share the story with everyone who cares enough to follow what random topics come to my mind. Ok so here's is how the story begins.... Let me warn you it starts out pretty shallow and gruesome; but there is a deeper point to it... I promise! Any way back to the beginning. It starts out with my psychology counselor giving me advice that I need to have volunteer hours on my resume in order for grad schools to even consider me. "Shit." was the only word that came to my mind... "I don't want to spend my "could be sleeping" time doing some kind of labor for someone else and not even getting paid!!" I whined to my parents that evening. "Just give it a chance... maybe you will get something from it" my mom said to me. I just rolled my eyes and pouted the rest of the night. Ok Ok... Ill fast forward all the minor details and go straight to were I ended up volunteering. I got assigned to South  Valley School in Taylorsville UT. Its a school that children who have disabilities can go to after high school. I was given a student named Jamie to work with. Jamie was a year older then me 19 ( I was 18 at the time.) She did not have any major disorder; nevertheless, Jamie had never learned how to read or write... Literally. We started out reading books that were on the k-2nd grade reading level. One book would take nearly an hour to get through. Jamie would never give up. She would sound out each letter to each word... and then look at me for assurance that she was doing it right. She worked so hard for it. It startled me how happy she would be after she read the word "wolf" right... or when she spelled "white" all on her own. I began looking forward to every Tuesday and Thursday so I could see how much improvement Jamie had made the previous week. Sadly winter break came and I got the amazing opportunity to go to Israel. I had to cancel four weeks of working with Jamie. When I came back... All of the progress that we had made was gone. We were back to square one. I was so frustrated and upset after seeing that no one had worked with Jamie those four weeks; I seriously just wanted to give up. I told her to copy down a few sentences from the book we were reading... then went off to the bathroom to calm down. I stood there looking in the mirror wondering "Is this worth it?".  All that work and effort... for what? I washed my hands in the sink as a young downs syndrome girl came out of the bathroom. I grabbed the paper towel to dry my hands off... still frustrated and discouraged. I didn't even notice her watching me... I was so caught up in the moment. I was feeling sorry for myself. I went to throw away the paper towel and missed the trash can. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to the mirror to take one last look at my self before I went back out to check on Jamie. As I was looking at the mirror I saw in the reflection behind me the girl bend down and pick up my paper towel that I had carelessly left laying on the floor and throw it away. Then she stood up and smiled at me and walked out of the bathroom. Needless to say... I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. But in such a different way then I had just a minute before. I was ashamed of myself. I was disgusted that I had become that kind of person. Think about it... Brighton High School, everyone is upper middlee class, functional, and healthy... and not one student would bend down and pick up someone elses garbage off of the floor of the school. No one cared. And here was this girl... with downs syndrome. She would never have everything that I or any one from my graduating class has. Yet, she cared. She wanted to be here. She loved school and the chance to learn. She KNEW that there were people that didn't give up on her at this place. And she appreciated it. I stood there and realized that this paper towel hitting the ground had changed my life forever. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and promised I would never ever take for granted what I am so lucky to have. I hung my head and walked out to face Jamie. I sat down and I gave her every single piece of my attention and my entire heart... and we read on. Life changing moments.

Choices.

Choices. There are to many of those in life. Good choices, bad choices, right choices, wrong choices, large choices, small choices, easy choices, hard choices and of course life changing choices. Honestly... every thing that happens to us is based on past or present choices. Some of us end up in jail because we made a wrong choices. Others of us end up running multi-million dollar company's; all because we made the "right choices"... or so everyone says. OK now... here's the problem. What really is the "right choice"? Frankly, I have no idea. Right now is such a strange period in our lives. We are stuck in transition; no longer children or teenagers... but not yet adults. And yet, we are faced with some of the biggest choices we will ever have to make. Some of us are looking for adventure and travel, some for love, others for grad schools. We are setting up the frame work for our futures. Damn. Reality hits hard. Two years ago I never pictured my life to be how it is right now. Two years ago I was a completely different person. Who were you two years ago? What choices did you make that brought you here today? Are you happy? And what choices are you going to make right now? Think about two years from now. It seems so close.... and it is. But so much can change in that short time. This is my written contract that I am going to make the choice to live my life according to my own standards, rules and expectations. I also have a few goals that I want to accomplish in these up coming two years.
1. Go to a less privileged country and do humanitarian work.
2. Learn to appreciate the life I have been blessed with.
3. Attend cochella.
4. Raise and donate money to a orphanage in a another country.
5. Be someones best friend, when no one else will.
6. Run a half-marathon.
7. Greek Islands, Spain, and Italy
8. Make friends with someone completely different then me.
9. Volunteer more
10. Let go
11. Get into a PSY D graduate program
12. Start writing a book
13. Become a better person
14. Smile even when my day sucks
15. Forgive.... and actually FORGET. (I'm bad at that)
16. Buy a car on my own.
17. Sky diving....
18. Stick to this LIST
19. Fall in love with something
Now... these are some choices I hope to make in the next two year. And I know each and every one of these choices will influence my life and change me once again into someone else. Now its your turn... make a list of choices that you want to make in the next two years. Think about the person who you hope to be... and think about the choices you have to make in order to be there.
Good luck!!!
xoxo
Sanj
p.s. The "right choice".... isn't always the best choice.

Falling

Falling in love. What a scary, amazing, intimidating, and exhilarating thing. Love changes everything. When we fall in love with someone our perspective on life changes. We make that person out to be perfect, every imperfection they have makes us love them even more, every bad thing about them we make out to be "not that big of a deal". And well... as we all already know; we can be blinded by it. Scary huh? A feeling SO powerful that it literally can alter everything. I have seen so many beautiful, strong, smart, funny and amazing women fall in love and completely let go of everyone and everything else in their lives. And in a bittersweet confession... I have been there. I must admit it was the most significant experience I have ever had in my life. Falling in love built me up, broke me down, left me with many sleepless nights... filled with butterflies and tears, and taught me lessons I will carry with me forever. I remember each and every moment of being in love: every good thing, and every bad thing. I remember these moments better then any other experience I have ever had. Love took me to the top of a mountain and to the bottom of a ocean. It broke me and it built me up. However,  I have a problem with letting myself love again. I built walls around my heart and buried my feelings deep inside me. I became the girl that put myself first, the girl who couldn't let anyone in. Love brought me hurt and hurt made me learn to control my love. And now I'm in a scary situation. I am finding myself falling again... and I don't know what to do. I am terrified... yet happy. Part of me wants this forever. And part of me wants to be alone. Part of me wants to figure out my life... to grow and experience things for myself. And the other part of me wants him to be with me forever. I don't know which way to lean... and I am scared. For the past two years I have been cold hearted and I knew I had to make choices on my own. I knew I had to do what was best for ME. But now.... I'm blinded once again. I bring him into every decision and possibility for my future. But is that what I want? I don't want to end up bitter at him. I want to know this is right... but I don't want to risk loosing it either. I don't want to hold him back from his own dreams and goals.... yet I don't want him to do them with out me. Right now I wish love was more rational. I wish love didn't do this to me. I wish I had control again. I wish I could love him less.... But I cant. And that scares me.

Love.

Home is where the heart is. But is that true?
I know that I have left pieces of my heart in places far far away from home.
My heart is scattered.
Each and every place I have ever been has taken a small piece and kept it.
So how can home be where my heart is?
Its not.
Home is where the people who touch your heart are.
Family, friends, lovers.
People who are so important that they have the ability to bring those scattered pieces together and make you feel like each and every place you have been, experience you have had, and choice you have made matters.
Home is where you can bring all of your mistakes, flaws, imperfections and struggles. And know that there will always be someone there to hold your hand regardless.
I have come to realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing place to come back to.
All of the places in the world that have captured my heart.
None of them compare.
My mothers hug, my fathers protective touch, my friends ability to make me laugh, my lovers kiss.
All of these things bring my scattered heart together.
And all of these people allow me to share each and every piece of my heart.
They bring those scattered pieces together and make my heart whole.
This is home.