voice.

Born.

Moms.

If you exist you have one. If you are 5 you worship them. If you are 13 you hate them. If you are 16 you challenge them. If you are 20 you learn to appreciate them. If you are 25 you start getting comments that you remind people of them. If you are 30 you get to be a mom to. If you are 46 you get to turn to them and ask them HOW the HELL they survived.

Basically, moms are pretty incredible... And with out them, none of us would exist.

I just got home from spending a week on vacation with my own mom... During that time I really realized how much our relationship has grown and changed in the past year.

Watching my mom go through loosing her mom was one of the hardest things. People dont really realize how fragile life is, until its lost. I dont think that anyone of us ever pictures or thinks about the moment when we will no longer have our moms or dads... But the truth is that death is inevitable, and there will be a day where we have to come face to face with that fact.

As I spent those days with her it really dawned on me how much I need her and how much I respect, love, and treasure her.

Something that I should show far more often....

Thinking about my grandma and how much I wish that I had said and done for her just to show her how much she ment to me. Never getting the chance.

You just dont find closure.

I dont want to have that same feeling with my mom or my dad. I want them to someday leave me knowing how much they ment to me and how much I learned, loved, and prospered because of them.

Its such a heart wreching and SCARY thought... Someday I wont have my mom too run to in order to fix my problems, hold me, give me advice. Someday I will have to be a strong and loving mother. Someday I will no longer be someones child...

But before that someday comes I feel like it is my biggest feat and challenge as a daughter to give back to my parents... And show how much I truley appreciate and love them.

This last week was one I will never forget.

Yes, there were times I needed my space, rolled my eyes, or bite my tough. But more often then not I was so happy to have her there with me.... Someday.... Ill miss those moments, and long for more of them.

My mom said to me, how it feels SO weird not to have her parents around anymore. How she feels like now there is no one that she can run to for comfort at ANY time. How she isnt someones little girl anymore... How strange it feels to know that her mom and dad are gone.

When she was saying this I saw how hard it must be... Because my unbreakable mom, is breakable when she talks about it. And it scared me... I cant imagine not having them around. I cant imagine not being someones little girl anymore.

I also realized how amazing my mom is for handling that kind of pain with such dignity. I know I could not do it. I only strive to have the kind of strength that she has.

Its quite incredible.

Pressures.

Today as I was making flash cards for my Abnormal Child Psychology class I came across a shocking fact.

Nearly 70% of girls ages 8-14 have been on extreme diets, and nearly 35% of them end up developing a eating disorder.

These statistics really struck me.

We all know someone who is always dieting, complaining that they are fat, watching what they eat, or obsessed with exercise.

I have to admit... I do it. I do it quite often in fact. I obsess over maintaining my image, my body...

Reading about the dangers and risks that come with this crazy obsession to be skinny-really made me take a moment and reflect on how I and many other people I know,  have used weight or "jean size" to defy how good we feel about ourselves.

When I was a child... Skinny would defiantly not have been the word to describe me. I liked my pizza, brownies, and pasta WAY too much.

"Popular" or "beautiful" would not be the words either. I defiantly was not either of those things. I got teased a lot about my weight... and always felt extremely self conscious about it.

Then the wonderful age of 13 came and I hit a huge growth spurt. For the first time in my life I was fitting into size 0 or 1 jeans.

All the sudden I had a ton of friends, a boy friend, and was popular.

Needless to say, it felt wonderful.

As I grew older my weight continued to fluctuate more or less. There was a time in high school when I once again put on a few pounds.... Once again I felt the wrath of social pressure upon me.

People would say terrible things about me, and sooner or later they got back to me. It was like a stab to the heart each time.

After years and years of struggling with an up and down cycle of gaining, loosing, obsessing... My body finally has reached a good place.

I am not stick skinny, nor am I overweight. But, most importantly I am not worried or self conscious about myself 24/7.

Today I sit here thinking about how it felt in the past. How it felt to hear people say those things about me. How it felt that how much I weigh or how I looked, was the reason I gained friendships, a boyfriend, and status. How it felt to look at myself and not be able to point out one positive thing I liked about me.

This is NOT ok.

No little girl should ever have to feel that she is not good enough because of how her body looks.

It is not fair that the qualities that people consider "popular" or "beautiful" are not representative of more then half of the population of women in the world.

It is WRONG and sick that I felt those things about myself. And even more saddening is the fact that when I lost weight... People treated me better.

I was not a different person. I just LOOKED better.

Reading about how some girls take this pressure to look a certain way to the point of killing themselves really makes my heart ache.

Being who I am now. I wish I could go back to myself back then and tell myself to stop worrying so much about what everyone else perceives me as, and start working on how I see myself.

Because at the end of the day, I am in a much better place then probably 80% of the people who made me feel inadequate.

This topic is so real,  and it breaks me into pieces knowing that there are hundreds of little girls out there feeling this way. Striving to be someone and something that they are not, getting teased, dieting, dying.

Doesn't that make you sick?

Sometimes I wonder... How would people that are so caught up in looking perfect and looking down on those who dont, feel if THEY had a child who was starving herself or himself in order to make everyone else around them love them? Would they be ok with that? Is it worth the status or the label of being beautiful?

No.

So please, I beg you to take a stand with ME and try our hardest to end this.

I dont want to obsess over my weight.

I want to love me just how I am.

I want my own definition of "beauty"

I want to eat that damn burrito.

I dont want to keep track of each meal I have... Or feel guilty after every bite.

I want peace with my body.

But most of all...

I want to show younger girls who feel like I used to feel...

That they are BEAUTIFUL and that one day they will look back on the people who made them feel bad about themselves and only feel pity for them.

No one should have to loose their life in order to feel like they are accepted.

I hope that I can keep this promise to myself and stop obsessing about my body, and accept myself as beautiful, at any size.

Because in the end.

Outer beauty ALWAYS fades, but inner beauty shines till in end.

xoxo

Kicked Around.

I have a few things that really bother me about people.

Most of the time I consider myself pretty tolerant and open minded about how other people choose to live their lives.

But there are some things that I just cannot help but feel agitated by.

For example, how certain girls think they are "in love" with each and every single guy that comes into their life. 

We all know these girls... They jump from relationship to relationship with out taking any time to figure out why things dont ever work out. 

Its quite annoying that they think that it is ok to throw around the word "love" like it doesn't mean anything. 

I dont understand how you can say that someone is  "the love of your life", and then a few months later profess that someone else is now "the love of your life" and a few months after that.... 

Get the cycle?

Sure, most of use will love a variety of men throughout our life. "First Love" does not mean it will be your last or only love. But, I can say with confidence that none of us find the "one" in each man that comes into the picture. 


But apparently some women have the illusion that anyone can be "the one".

I used to be jealous of them. I used to spend a countless amount of energy thinking: why can I get that many people to fall in love with me? Is there something wrong with me? What is so special about them and not me? What would it feel like? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough?

A few years later, I can now see how stupid it was of me to be consumed with jealousy and insecurity, questioning WHY these girls were so much better then me.

I finally figured out, that I would never want to be in the shoes of even one of them.

Now, I realize something very important. These girls dont have real love. In reality, they have no idea what real love even is. 

I now pity them. They think that they need a guy to defy themselves, or make them feel adequate. 

Yeah. I havent had a million boyfriends, kissed 50 people, or dated every fish in the sea. But I have had true love, and I have had ONE person who has stuck by me, through thick and thin.

One person who taught me nearly every lesson about love that I will ever need to know. 

The most important of those lessons was that "love" is not something that can be thrown around person to person. Its rare, and it should never be wasted on each and every person that you date in your lifetime, it should be used on the people whom you TRULY do love. 

And NO you do not love three different guys in a period of 6 months. Clearly, if you think that you do... You probably have some serious attachment issues.

I can not say that my experience with love was always perfect, but it was real. 

Its quite sad for me to admit that I used to envy these women. It finally had dawned on me that they might know a quantity of relationships, but they definitely do not know a quality one.

I just hope that one day these women wake up and realize that they will never break their cycle unless they realize that having a "boyfriend" does not make you 1. smarter, 2. better, 3. prettier, 4. more desirable,  5. respected, 6. a better person, 7. cooler, 8. worthy, 9. more love able, 10. successful. 

YOU make yourself, not some man that you think you "love".

As Carrie Bradshaw put it:

"How is it that women these days have nothing to talk about other then men and relationships? I mean really... Its like middle school but we now have bigger bank accounts!" 

One thing that I learned fromm my lessons in love is that no one will EVER love you unless you love yourself first. 

And that is a fact. 

Give Thanks.

Thanksgiving is a day to take a moment and appreciate all that we have been blessed with in our lives.

I have been fortunate enough to have an amazing family that pushes me to challenge myself and never settle for less then I believe I deserve.

They have given me endless opportunities by helping do incredible things like travel the world, move to California, figure skate.

There was never a door that was shut to me... My mom and dad have worked hard to make sure that I am never denied the chance to learn, grow, and capture all that I can.

My dad works very hard in order to provide me with all of the things that I have, and I am so thankful for that. He leaves for work at 7 am and comes home at 6:30 and then goes upstairs and works more. Sometimes I forget how much he does in order to ensure that his family is taken care of. I hope he realizes that we all are so appreciative for what he does for us.

My mom pushes me every single day to reach beyond my limits and put my best foot forward. With out her persistence I would have missed many valuable life changing lessons. She is the strongest woman that I know. She has shown me that if you stick to something that you will get results, and that no matter how difficult a situation is that you must be strong through it.

My grandma Zoya, even though she is not here anymore, she has made me strive to be better. Not one person can say a bad thing about her. I want to become the type of woman that she was. I feel her love for me every single day. Each time I look at a picture of her my heart yearns for her. I miss her laugh, her cooking, her hand, her smile... I miss everything. But I am working to keep her alive through myself... and live my life the way that she lived hers. Loving other people more then she loved herself.

My friends also provide me with such incredible support and love, that sometimes I dont feel like I deserve it.

There have been a few people that have changed my perspective on life SO much and made me into such a better person.

Sadly, some of them live too far away from me now and I miss their presence in my life EVERY single day.

Ashley Dunn, she has been the most inspiring person I have ever had in my life. Last year she became like a older sister to me. She has shown me what someone can achieve on their own if they work hard enough. Watching how much she has done in her life... and how much respect, beauty, and love other people see in her is absolutely incredible. She is my role model, my best friend, part of my family, and someone that has affected me in such a way... that NO one else will ever understand.

Leanna Marshall, this girl is the most kind, motivated, loving, caring person I have ever met. She can carry on a conversation with anyone about anything. From her I learned to be a more accepting and open person. Our friendship grew so fast, and became one of the strongest that I have ever had. She stood next to me and grew with me throughout last year. Each day I think about the time we spent together and how much fun I had with her every single time I was around her.

Lisa, Carly, Steven, Even though I dont get to see them as often as I should, I know that they will always be friends to me. Meeting Lisa and Carly in Europe changed my entire life. I was so lucky to meet people that are so open minded, welcoming, and loyal to their friends. Each time that I am around them and Steven I feel like I have known them for years, and our friendship has lasted longer then it really has. I miss them all of the time and I cant wait to live near them.... I know we have many years of friendship ahead of us, and many crazy adventures.

Alex Ray, he has been the most important boy in my life. For 8 years he has been my best friend, my first love, my everything. We had a very rough patch in our relationship and we both hurt each other a lot... but the past two years he has done everything in his power to make sure that I am happy and show me how much he loves me. Sometimes I take the things that he does for me for granted... He has provided me with the biggest, hardest, and most meaningful lessons in life. He has become a part of who I am, and I love him in every way that a person can love someone.

Angie Fishler, she has been in my life the longest out of any of my friends. We had so many first experiences together that I cant even think of. We have laughed till tears, cried, fought, made up, thrown up... you NAME it. We have done it. She has been the most consistent person in my life and her motivation, her intelligence, and her drive make her such a inspiration to me. She is the smartest most motivated person that I know... and she is going to do incredible things with her life.

Kelly SaBey, she is the strongest, most thick-skinned. motived, persistent women I have ever met. Sometimes when I am talking to her I don't understand what she is saying because she has such an complex vocabulary. Kelly has shown me how much respect people have for you if you are educated and you speak your mind. I have learned so much from her in a short period of time. Even though she has such a strong and outspoken personality she is also one of the most giving people I have ever met. She will help you in any way possible with out expecting anything in return. I look up to her so much and wish that I can someday hold the presence that she does in a room.

Aubri, Rachel, Kylee, Becca, These girls have been my best friends since 8th grade. We had so many times together driving around in Ky's truck with the windows rolled down bumpin country music beats and singing our lungs out. I have experienced the true depth of friendship with all of these girls. They have seen me at my worst, my best, and in between. With out them I wouldnt be who I am. I am so thankful for each of them and all that I have learned from them

Rachel, Joey, Ashley  My loves that I met in Israel this Aug. I cant even describe to you how fast we all became best friends. It feel like I have known them my entire life. Each one of them is so amazing, I dont even know where to start. Joey is one of the kindness, giving, loving, cuddly people I have ever met. I never heard her say a bad thing about ANYONE. She always looks for the best in people... and gives people her best. Rachel is one of the most down to earth, real, and honest people in my life. I could talk to her about anything after a few days of knowing her. When I found out my grandma died I wanted her next to me. I know she is going to be one of my closest friends for the rest of my life. Ashley is the most open, funny, enthusiastic people I have ever met. She is so funny, talkative, and caring. I feel like she cares about me and my friendship more then some people who I have know for my entire life. I miss her and her beautiful curly hair and bubbly personality, I cant wait to see all of them again.


I am thankful. I am happy. I am blessed.

Bigger Picture.

"If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours... If they don't, they never were."

I walked away. He walked away. 

But somehow we always find our way back to each other. 

Sometimes its scares me...

We have been through so much together. Nothing has been able to tear us apart. 

Both of us have hurt each other, both of us have turned our backs, both of us have fought for love, and both of us have felt its power. 

He is my best friend, my first love, my everything....

But sometimes I worry that we hold each other back. Sometimes I question things. Sometimes I think about  what else my life has in store for me.

Will he always be there? 

If not... Will I be ok? Will he? 

Can I love someone else? Can he love someone else? What would that feel like? 

Questions... Unanswered. Thoughts...  Often consume me. 

What direction do I want my life to go? 

I wonder and fear the answers to these questions. 

Love like this is rare. The passion, the pain, the roller coster ride that we have made it through... It was the hardest but most rewarding relationship I will ever have.

I never questioned it.... Until I moved away. 

Leaving opened up my eyes to how much more life has in store for me..for him. 

Life threw me into situations were I began to see the bigger picture of things. Love isn't always enough. 

We need to grow up. We need to learn. We need to live.

And it has to happen separately

If it is supposed to be, it will be.

I would rather live my life never having to ask the question "what if"... 

And sometimes I find myself wondering "what if"...

I met him later on in life?

We didn't come back to each other one time?

I lost him?

I end up bitter? 

Its just security?

I don't know sometimes.... 

But I do know I loved him in a way I won't ever love anyone else. I know I mean the world to him.... 

I know I won't ever forget him, stop loving him, or have what we have ever again.  

I also know that we both need to grow and find our direction in life with out each other.... And hope that in the end our paths lead us back. 

No more questions. Just answers. 

The first one.... 

I love you. 

Charlie.

 With all of the negative things that have happened to my family this past year... We needed some light in our lives. Charlie has provided us with something positive too look forward too every day after school and work... He represents the innocence that we lost this year. He is bringing us closer together and making us back into a family again. For the first time in a long time I feel like things between us are going back to normal. 

Its true... Dogs really are mans best friend. 

Trouble with me is.

Holding on,

I tend to do it quite often...

relationships, friendships, forgiveness, anger, hurt, love, and disagreement... I have trouble letting things go.

WHY do I still spend nearly every single night in tears before I go to sleep crying... wishing my grandma was still here?

Most people would have found closure.

WHY do I still hold onto the moments I spent with my old friends... Even though they have made no effort to be in my life?

Most people would never even give them a second thought.

WHY do I obsess over someone, when they clearly dont care about me?

Most people would not waste their time.

WHY cant I trust the people that have hurt me, even though they have proved they have changed?

Most people know how to forget.

WHY is it so hard for me to walk away from a fight?

Most people dont believe it is worth the cost.

I realized something very important about myself...

I care about things much more then most people do, it is harder for me to let go of little things. When I fall for someone-I fall hard, when I say that "I love you" I mean it. My friends mean the world to me, and I am very bad at accepting things.

Some of these things are good... some are bad.

However, each one of these characteristics shapes me into the person that I am.

It is VERY hard for me to open up.

 I fall hard... But, I do not fall easy.

There have only been a small number of people in my life that have made HUGE impacts on me.

Some of them in a positive way, some in a negative way...

Either way... I finally have learned to accept this about myself.

I might be considered a "drama queen", "bitch",  "grudge holder".... etc.

But, at least I give a fuck.

At least I care enough about life, people, and things to really FEEL something.

Sometimes, I stand in my own way, and sometimes my emotions get ahead of me....

Yes... I hold on to things, I can be dramatic, I care way too much, I fight even if there is no point in fighting.

But, I wont ever walk away from the people I love... I wont ever give up, I will always be there, and I will always care....

Its hard to find this in people these days,

For the first time in my life... I am proud of myself for being who I am.

Yes. I give a shit... and yes I am a emotional, dramatic, opinionated, honest, loving, caring, bitch that will always love you and will always be there for you... Even if I secretly am still mad at you for something you did three years ago.

And I am proud of it.

Regret.

Remember when we were free?

Moments together felt endless

Everlasting love

Our friendship had no limit

Raw, young, naive.

Sometimes I sit and wonder, 

How did things end up this way?

Dont you remember?

How we used to spend each day.

Together we were perfect,

No one could compare.

Memories so empty,

like they were never there.

I keep staring into my reflection, 

Wishing you were here.

All I see are stone cold stares,

Coming from your empty eyes.

Forgotten.

Or, never even there.

Did it even happen?

It just doesn't seem fair.

You walked away from everything,

You didn't even care.

But I must look past you, 

And dare myself to trust.

Someone will soon come by, 

and teach me how to love.

Till then my heart is done,

Longing for the past.

I will move on and grow stronger, 

Ill take a second chance.

I hope one day you remember, 

The moments that we shared.

Someday you'll sit there wishing, 

Our friendship was still there.

Its easy to walk away,

Instead of standing up to fight.

Time makes us stronger,

Like photographs-pain fades.

One day you will regret, 

the choices that you made. 

Life constantly reminds us, 

Friendship isn't easy-nothing ever is.

But, to walk away like it ment nothing.

Well that was quite the statement,

That you made. 

Lets hope you weren't mistaken.

Once something has been damaged, 

It cant always be replaced. 

Forgiveness isn't promised, 

And, regret can linger on.

Autumn

How much do I love Fall? ....

Lets just say.... 

Enough to want to name my future child (far away future) 

Autumn Grace ______ 

or

Autumn Marie ______

Hey, I am a girl... Its normal. 

Right?

Claim to the name!!! 

<3 

Masked.

I have learned that things aren't always what the appear.

Sometimes realizing this is hard...

I have realized just because something seems good, doesn't mean that it is.

Just because your beautiful, doesn't mean your a beautiful person.

You think you are in love with someone, when you really just need to love yourself.

Wanting something so bad it hurts, only means that you are forgetting to appreciate what you have.

Longing for the past, holds you back from the future.

Giving in, isn't any different then giving up.

Friendships that are supposed to last a life time, can end in a day.

Hurt, eventually fades.

Success, is not happiness

Unbreakable people, can bend.

Love, can change.

Most importantly, I learned, that no matter how much you think your doing everything right, you probably have made mistakes.

And....

Mistakes, are not always bad.

Sometimes it feels like we are taking a path that is leading us no where. Its scary, and doubt constantly creeps into our minds.

"Is this REALLY what I want?", "Am I going to do something meaningful?", "Why is everyone around me so pretty...?", "What is the purpose?".

Questions, choices, mistakes, lessons, growth.

Taken together- we slowly begin to see situations for what they really are. We are forced into the  realization that bad things can turn into good, and even that good things can turn into bad.

I have realized a lot, and have seen situations, people, and friendships change.

Some of those changes hurt, other felt amazing... But most importantly they made me look at my life and my future with a better perspective.

The perspective that each moment...

I feel like I am loosing-a week later I can be winning.

Each time my heart breaks-someone else will make it whole again.

Friends that walk away-will be replaced with better ones.

Hurt- will turn into strength.

Letting go of the past-will open up a better future.

Yes, things aren't always what the appear...

Diagnosis

A little girl; with no hair for her mommy to braid.

A 25 year old man; no promise of a future.

A 80 year old grandma; hopeless fear & pain in her desperate grasp

Cancer-does not discriminate.

Each one of us has been touched by the effects of this unmerciful disease.

It might have been your best friends mother, a neighbor, god forbid- your child, grandmother, aunt or uncle, or even YOU.

100% of us have felt the impact and fear that comes with the diagnosis. Directly or not...it hurts.

As those of you who follow my blog know... I lost my grandmother to this disease two months ago.

There are still nights that I lay awake crying. Moments when I pick up the phone to call her for advice. Picture her laugh and smile. Crave to hold her hand in mine. There are times when the weight of missing her literally HURTS my heart and burns my throat.

I want nothing more then to hold her one last time... and tell her I love her, and that I strive to be the type of woman that she was.

The beauty of my grandmother was that she NEVER complained, never asked for pity, never spoke a negative word.

After her radiation and chemo treatment she would come back to the nursing home frail and quivering.

She would say, "I am not a tragedy. I lived a long and beautiful life, raised an amazing family, loved and travelled... A true tragedy is the 26 year old woman who was in the waiting room with two children and a scarf on her head... She has a life too live, a family to feed, and memories to make. I have done those things. I am not afraid to die. She has just began to live."

Like I said before, cancer does not discriminate.

It does not care if your 5 years old, just finished college, or have a family.

Each day, millions of people hear the words "you have cancer"

Each day, millions of people loose their battle

Each day, survivors live with the scars.

But... more importantly we need to remember.

Each day, we fight for a cure

Each day, we live like it is our last

Each day, we do something GOOD

....

Is a day that brings beauty into life, and gives those millions of "fighters" something worth fighting for.

1 out of 3 people develops cancer. 1 out of 5 people dies because of it.

You or I, could fall into those statistic.

The reality of that fact- is undeniable, scary, painful, and wrenching.

But it is a reality.

Even if you are not part of that statistic, even if you havent been affect, even if you dont believe in what I believe in- PLEASE try to remember...

Someone, somewhere, just lost their life... It could have been a child, a mother or a father, grandmother.

Regardless of who it was.

Remember that: YOU are still here.

You have been blessed with the beauty of health, the chance to live your life, and the ability to love....

Do something that makes life matter. Live your life to your fullest potential... For the ones who lost theirs.

Dont ever stop fighting. Dont ever give up. Dont ever stop counting your blessings.

Because a few bad test results, doctors visits, and three simple words... Can change everything.

In a moment you could be gone.

Make it count.

xoxo

RIP
Steve Jobs

&

I love and miss you Grandma... Every night I lay there and picture moments with you.... Ill never forget.

Reality.

I had a few reality checks in the last few weeks.

Each one was eye opening, some in a good way... others not so much.

The first, unfortunately, was a reoccurring reality check. You think I would have learned from previous situations....

This reality check made me ask myself the question that none of us want to ask, "how the hell are you so stupid, Sandra?! Didn't you learn anything?".

You would think that I have learned that relationships are a TWO way street. I seemed to have thought I mastered this concept also... Guess not.

Someone comes into your life that makes you forget all that wisdom you have gained from previous relationships (gone bad)... and somehow you find yourself obsessing over the SAME situation, just with another person.

It hit me the last few weeks: No matter HOW bad you want someone in your life. They will only be there if they WANT to be there, just AS BAD or MORE then you want them there.

You can force it. You cant wish for it. You cant change it.

You just have to accept it, and move on.

If they aren't fighting to be with you, you shouldn't be fighting to be with them. End of story.

You are much better off fighting for the people that are putting in a effort to be apart of your life, and doing whatever it takes; for you to be apart of theirs. They are the ones who truly LOVE and care about you.

Thank god; I got hit with that one... (again)

Second, I remembered how important health is.

It is true, if you don't have health... you don't have ANYTHING.

Watching my mom go through heart surgery, and get a pace maker.

And, seeing how much the dynamic of my family has changed in the last year; all due to health issues, really opened my eyes to how important it is to take care of yourself.

Cancer, heart disease, anxiety attacks... All of these things can be either prevented or the risks could be reduced, just by taking better care of our bodies.

Exercising, eating healthy, relaxing, catching up on sleep.... Essential things, that seem to take a back burner to stress, fast food, and unhealthy habits.

Watching my family go from perfect... to a completely disorganized, depressed, mess... was not what I was expecting, to happen... just because of health issues.

Even though it has been the hardest year of my life, I have learned a very crucial lesson from all of this.

Appreciate my body, appreciate my soul, appreciate time to relax.

This reality check was the hardest one... But it was defiantly needed.

Third, I  was forced to remember that I have a limit.

I always bite off more then I can chew, because I want to push myself to be a better person.

This unfortunately has come with many negative consequences.

Instead of giving my all to something, I can only give it partial attention, because I have SO many other things going on.

I realized that I need to take a step back. And re-evaluate what I am capable of handling.

Just because I cant do EVERYTHING... Doesn't mean that I am failing. I needed to realize that.

I try so hard to be perfect, and to do everything that I can to make sure that I live my life according to my highest expectations.

I never thought I would fail because I was expecting SO much out of myself. I cracked under my own pressure.

This reality check taught me that I need to: Take a step back, inhale... exhale, and handle ONE thing at a time...

Quality is better then quantity. And I haven't been doing quality work, because I have been doing a quantity of it.

This reality check was a blessing in disguise.

Needless to say, this last month has not been smooth sailing.

It has been one challenge, followed by another.

But, somehow I have survived.

Yes, there have been sleepless nights, tears, constant looking at my cell phone (waiting for a text or a call that never came), neck cramps due to stress, hospital visits, and fights.

However, I have learned and grown from each of these things. I have been forced to re-evaluate many things in my life, and been brought down to a more realistic perspective.

So thank you. Thank you LIFE for challenging me... and thank you for making me realize what is-and what is not important.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality.

Take a moment, take a breathe, stop.... and think.

xoxo

Sink or Swim

Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

Should there be a limit to how high you can hold your expectations of other people?

This is something I am struggling with lately, wondering about;  how much can you expect from people, before you push them away?

Is it better to end up alone... then to settle for less then you think that you "deserve"?

Personally, I seem to hold extremely high standards for what I look for in friendships, and relationships.

The people I have the highest expectation for; seem to also be the people who have somehow hurt me, or who have somehow challenged my trust.

So, why shouldn't I have high expectations from them? I sometimes feel that because someone else hurt me... that in order for them to be apart of my life, they will constantly need to be redeeming themselves.

I am the type of person who forgives people... but doesn't forget what they did.

And if someone did something that really hurt me, apart of me will always hold that against them.

Yes, I wish I could change this characteristic about myself... But I can't. It is who I am. I'll forgive you, but I won't forget.

Lately, I have had two very important people in my life working very hard to get my trust, forgiveness, and friendship back.

However, I don't recipricate the effort.

It really scares me... Because I don't want to be the type of person who "pushes others away". But I do... I hold them at a arms distance.

I don't know if I do these things in order to avoid pain, conflict, or simply because I was so hurt that I literally became numb to these people.

These friendships meant the entire world to me... and having them turn their backs on me during a extremely vulnerable time in my life, really affected my perception of them. And forced me to really revaluate and question their place in my life.

Now, things have changed. Both, have made a enormous effort to show me that they are sorry for their mistakes, love me, and value my friendship.

And I am thankful for that. I did miss their presence in my life... But at the same time, I found friendships with other people that I never have to question. Friends that I know won't ever turn their backs on me, and leave me. Having these new "fresh" starts with people really causes me to wonder if its even worth the effort to rekindle the relationships that have caused me so many tears.

I can't seem to force myself to "try" to make it work again. And I believe that real friendships shouldn't have to be so difficult.

I mean; a friend, is a friend.

Should I lower my expectations?

Is it worth it?

For once, I really don't know.

Investment.

"No body said it was easy... But they said it would be worth it"

"Is it really worth it?" I have been asking myself this question for the last two weeks.

Two weeks, that have been FILLED with GRE prep books, flash cards, resume writing (and re writing) and HOURS spent researching graduate programs.

Needless to say I feel drained. And its only the first dent, in the next three months of my life.

I keep wondering... Why am I doing this to myself? I am only 20 years old, and this is only my third year of college.... Im already on top of my game. Why do I need to pack my schedule will 16 upper division psychology classes, try to get into graduate school, and participate in all these "extra" circular activities?

I mean I could have taken less classes, I could graduate a semester later then Spring 2012...  I could....

But, if I did that then I would be giving up something else.

I would be giving up the chance to move back to California, and be truly happy again.

Its hard in the moment sometimes... When I am sitting there looking at the pile of papers, exams, and books to remember the bigger picture.

The bigger picture of my life.

The fact that if I push myself RIGHT NOW and work hard... I can be doing something amazing in a few years.

I can be doing something that will make a difference, in someone else's life.

At moments I loose sight of this. At moments I wonder "why am I trying to grow up so fast?"

But then I remember.... Its NOT about growing up. Its not about these exams or resumes.

Its about being the person that changes someone else's life. And doing something that MATTERS.

I am ready to do those things. Sitting in a classroom, working at a meaningless job, stuck in a city that doesn't make me happy.... Isn't what I want to be doing.

And in order to be where I want to be, I need to dedicate time and effort.

Sometimes, it feels impossible.

Sometimes, I want to give up.

But  I won't.

I won't give up.... on something that I want.

And the thing that  I want  most is to make something of myself, have a voice, and help other people.

I have to hold my head high and continue this journey.

So that... In one year, I can say that "Yes, it was hard.... but I would do it all over again, because what I have achieved IS worth it."

Cat and Mouse.

"We always want what we can't have"

How true is this statement? 

We hear it ALL the time. When we want that Coco Chanel purse, a private Island, or that tempting chocolate cake (first day on the new no carb diet). Yes, we hear that statement FAR to often. 

Another place where this statement seems to come up often is in relationships.

Unfortunately... It seems to be very true.

I have noticed that I always pursue relationships and friendships that are out of reach. 

Either because of distance, or because I seem to be attracted to "emotionally unavailable" people.

Regardless, it really sucks. 

Its funny also because people often say that we attract the types of people that "reassure" us about how we secretly feel about ourselves.

And...

I personally don't think I view myself in a negative light. I think I am smart, motivated, passionate, personable, and caring. 

Yes, I have things about myself that I would change... but nothing that makes me feel insecure or forces me to feel like I  require validation from someone else. 

So, HOW COME I seem to yearn for the people that make me feel like I did something wrong?

WHY do I obsessively over think every single detail... about someone who is clearly too consumed with their own life to worry about me?

Is it because I like a challenge? Do I want a project to work on? Does it make me feel like I am doing something meaningful by trying to be the light in that persons tunnel?

Also...

WHY do I push away any sign of love or commitment? Isn't that what I am trying to get out of those other "unavailable" relationships? 

But when I have it... I seem to avoid it like its a cockroach. 

It causes me to wonder. What am I doing to MYSELF? Why am I so caught up in something... that is clearly not worth it? And WHY am I so afraid of a REAL commitment... and REAL love? 

I know I can have it... honestly I want it. I want to feel love for someone, and feel like they love me back.

I don't want to question it.

I don't want to play the stupid "cat and mouse" game of who texted who first, or how long I should wait to text back.

So, WHY am I pursing the WRONG people constantly? The people who clearly are not capable of giving me those things... and WHY do I keep pushing away the ones who can?

Have I been so burned by love, that I have learned to avoid it at all costs?

I have so many question's... and absolutely NO answers. All I can hope for is that someday someone comes along that changes things for me.

Someone that can break my wall and at the same time, be ready to fall in love with me back.

Cause the biggest question I have tonight is really...

What is life with out love?

We/Me

Love is something that is very rare to come by these days.

We all want it, search for it, yearn for it.

Most of us spend hours, months, days and even years... obsessing over someone else who we think  we "love".

And a lot of the time we end up heartbroken, lost, alone, and devastated.

Its funny how much time and effort people  put into "relationships" and into finding that perfect person.

Its also funny how while we spend so much time and effort searching for "the one" we usually end up forgetting to search for ourselves....

So many of us get caught up in relationships with other people. That we tend to forget about the most important person in our lives (ourselves).

I strongly believe that in order for love to exist between two people... each person must first learn to love and respect themselves first. To be independent, have accomplishments and a life separate from that relationship.

How can you build a solid foundation of a relationship-If the only thing that keeps your life going is that relationship?

It boggles my mind to see how many amazing people; that are capable of achieving amazing things... get stuck in a relationship with someone and end up settling. End up giving up amazing opportunities, goals, achievements... all because they think its worth it for love.

Now, don't get me wrong. Love IS worth sacrifices and of course it requires people to adjust and compromise their lives. I UNDERSTAND that.

What I am trying to get across is that... Its so easy to get lost in someone else.

I know this because... I have been there.

I also have learned that NO relationship will ever work... If that relationship is the only thing that you devote your energy and heart too.

Its so easy to get caught up in love.

But just remember... 10 years down the road. Once butterflies die off a little bit, and children are crying at 3 in the morning... You wont have any time for regrets on "what you could have done" with your life apart from that person. And feeling bitterness... isn't what any of us strive for when we picture our lives in the future.

So fall in love... But don't forget to love YOU first.

14 days.

Honestly I do not even know where to start this post.

Its crazy how much life can change in 14 days.

The last two weeks have been so life changing, eye opening, happy, and sad all at the same time.

My life has been changed and re evaluated, and I as a person feel completely different then EVER before.

Yes, yes... I always write about moments, lessons, stories that have effected me or changed my life.

But these last two weeks have done more then I can even begin to describe.

I lost my grandma to cancer, went to Israel, found friendships and strong connections with amazing people, experienced and saw incredible things... and learned so much about how strong love really is.

Let me first start with my beautiful Grandma. May she rest in peace and know that her kindness, love, passion, laughter still lives on in every single person that had the privilege to know her.

I was gone for her passing and for her funeral. And as much as I never got the chance to get that final moment of closure... I know that she wanted me to be in Israel. She wanted me to be there and experience life.

I know shes watching over me. My mom lit a candle for her, one that was supposed to stay lit for 7 days.

It stayed lit for 10... and went out the moment I got home from my trip.

I know that was her waiting for me; making sure that I got home ok. Watching over me.

She was the most amazing person I have ever met. No one can say one negative thing about her. Never did she complain or say she was in pain... Never did she ask for us to stay by her side. She would tell me "go live your life, dont stay here with me... your young, beautiful, smart, you shouldn't be spending your day in a nursing home watching an old lady be sick."

But I wanted to be there.

I wanted to watch her and learn from her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be ok.

I just wish I got to say goodbye.

In a way I guess I did...

I put on note for her into the Western Wall.  The only way I could say good bye... from 3000 miles away.

3000 miles away in the most INCREDIBLE country in the world.

Its crazy how much Israel changes my life and my perspective EACH time that I go there.

Its so alive, so proud, so welcoming, so peaceful. Contrary to what the media makes you believe.

There is a presence there that I have NEVER felt before.  No other country I have been too seems to compare. Its like one big Jewish family ANY where that you go. Families take six strangers in and feed them lunch and welcome them into their homes every single week for Shabbat.

Where else  in the world does that happen?

The people I met on my trip also were amazing.

Each one of them in their own special way.

A handful of them however, really made a huge impact on my life. I met a few girls that I know will be LIFE long friends. And some pretty incredible guys that made me laugh, cry, and showed me not EVERY single man is a asshole. And that it is ok to open up... and let someone in.

And that is pretty incredible... because I am probably the most guarded person when it comes to getting close to anyone.

I hope that everything that I have learned and realized in the last few weeks really stays with me. I hope I dont loose it, now that im back in reality.

Its so hard to keep in touch. To remember the purpose of things. To make that amazing change in your life. When your not constantly being reminded of it.

But I really hope I am strong enough not to forget.

And I hope that the choices that I make... will better my life, make me a better person, and help me grow into someone like the woman my grandma Zoya was. Someone that is so strong, kind, good, welcoming, smart, and incredible.

I want to live my life, knowing that on the day that I die; no one could say something terrible about me.

Just like Zoya.

And these amazing people that I had the chance to meet... and going to Israel; only brought me one step closer to becoming that person.

RIP babushka. I love you.

 Now a few pics from the Trip: