Food, Wine, and Life.

Well its been quite a while....
Blogging has been one of my main priorities in the last few months. But I havent had the chance to do it....

Why?

Because I just got back from spending the last two months working and traveling around Europe.

If you follow my blog consistently, you know how much I yearn for adventure and travel. How the greatest lessons in my life come from these experiences.

Well this one was no different.

However, the lessons I learned were not the ones I expected.

Let me start from the beginning.

I flew into Nice, France. June 3rd 2012. I had  no expectation or idea what this summer was going to have in store for me. All that I knew for sure was that I needed to find myself again.... I needed adventure, thrill and connection. I had become so introverted and lost in the past year being back in Salt Lake City, UT.

So of course, I turned to the one thing that has always helped me find myself.

Travel.

 From Nice I traveled to San Remo for orientation for my summer job. Teaching English in Italy through a program called ACLE. Orientation was amazing. Just like every other traveling experience I have had.... I was shocked at how fast I bonded with some people. Within a week I had developed friendships that I knew would last me the rest of my life.

After orientation I headed off to my first job assignment. In Rho, a small suburb of Milan, Italy. This experience was very different from that of orientation. I had a crazy camp director, my host family did not like me too much...., my personality clashed with the other camp tutors, and my class of 9 six year old boys.... Well that wasnt the easiest thing to handle for 8 hours a day. I wanted to give up. It challenged me to the point of tears. I called my mom and told her that there was no possible way that I could handle this for two months straight.

Thankfully, two weeks came and went a lot fast then I expected and finally it was ALL OVER. I prayed that my next camp experience would be better.... And thankfully it was. I was sent to San Pietro in Vincolli, a small village outside of Rivenna, Italy. I had the most amazing host family. The mom was so much like me.... It was actually kind of scary. From her taste in jewelry, to her home decor. She was amazing. She showed me so much generosity and love. Within a week I had developed such a bond with her that I cried through our goodbye. One that broke my heart was her longing for travel, photography, and the world. She never got to do those things before she got married and had children. And you could see in her how badly she regretted it. I felt like she was so inspired by me that it gave me motivation.

The following week I was moved to a new host family, but stayed in the same location for work. This host family was just as amazing as the last. They were so kind, warm, and had quite the liking for homemade wine. ;) I felt as if I was a part of their family from the very first day of meeting them. They were so excited to have an English speaker in their home... and they did everything to make me feel welcomed. From them I learned how to make the BEST pizza I have ever eaten. (Granted it might have been because I made it... Therefore it tasted better to me.)

From there I was finished working and had three weeks to travel.

I went to Florence, Italy for four days. What an magical city. It was beautiful. And the gelato there..... The best I have ever had. Hands down. Rome, Italy was the next destination. It was so good to meet up with my friends from orientation there! It was so good to be with people who I felt like I actually related too. Like I said... The friendships I make travelling always seem to challenge the ones I have had for years at home.

After Rome my friend Katherine (shes from New  Zeland!) flew off to Athens, Greece. There we met up with three other New Zelanders (they call themselves Kiwi's). I couldnt believe how moved I was by the history and the art. I was almost brought to tears looking at the statues and the ruins of the Acropolis. It really blows your mind when you see things that mankind created in the past.... With out technology and computers. It almost surreal.

Next stop was Mikanos, Greece! Yup.... The worlds biggest party island. All that I will say about Mikanos is that it lived up to its reputation.

Somehow I survived.

From there we headed to Santierni, Greece. This was the most beautiful place I have ever been.... From the white buildings that clung to the side of the cliff, to the teal blue water. I couldn't even comprend that a place this beautiful existed. We sat and watched the sunset and ate crepes.... It was one of those moments were it really was hard to believe that this was REAL life. It seemed like a total dream.

The next day Kathrine and I said goodbye to the other Kiwis and headed back to Rome.

From there I got on a cruise ship and headed off to France, and Spain.

France... Well lets just say this. Nutella Macroon on the beach.

Barcelona, Spain? Jaw dropping. I fell in love. From the moment I laid eyes on the city I knew that this was a place that I could defiantly see myself coming back to... maybe even living there. Never in my life have I been moved how the beauty of this city moved me. I literally started crying when I saw the world famous cathedral, it was that incredible. I only got to spend one day there... But it was probably the most amazing day of my entire two month long trip.

Finally, it was back to Italy and too Pisa for one day. Yes, I got the famous tourist picture with the Leaning Tower! Then back to New York to stay with my brother for two weeks!

That's were I am now... Writing this. Reflecting on everything. Thinking about how lucky I was to see so much this past summer.... More then some people get to see in a life time.

However, not all of this experience was easy for me. After the first month I was physically and mentally exhausted. I was longing for routine, home, and air conditioning (a rarity in Italy). It really challenged me and I must admit I broke down and cried a few times. But throughout it I learned to appriecate the smallest things such as having food, money, clean bathrooms, air conditioning, a car, wi fi..... Little things that we all take for granted.

Coming out of this summer my greatest lessons was this: I can do anything. It might be challenging. It might be stressful. I might be sweating my ass off and dehydrated lugging a 40 pound suit case around, sleeping next to a homeless man, and being coughed on by a lady with  hairy armpits. But at the end of the day... There is nothing but beauty, love and friendship that comes out of all of it.

With that I leave you with the quotes that helped me make it through the last few weeks and some photos! Till next time my loves!!!

xoxox

ps. 21 in..... 2 days!!!!!

" Its about the rewards of risk taking, living, feeling, learning, and loving; its about having the strength to be ourselves and taking steps toward making our dreams real"

"We discover the world as we physically move around the planet; we discover ourselves in the inner journey that accompanies our travels. The rewards are many; we try on many new identities as more independent, self sufficient women; we explore new behaviors; and we develop a greater awareness of our potential. Remember the risks are far out weighed by the reward."

"You gain strength, courage, confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do" - Eleanor Roosevelt

"She is open to adventure; seeks connections with people in other cultures; faces her fears; puts herself out there in the world; is transformed by travel"

San Remo

Rho/Milan

San Pietro in Vincoli/Rivenna/Bologna

Florence

Rome

Athens

Miknos

  

Santorini 

Genova 

Cannes, France

Barcelona, Spain

Island, Spain (dunno the name) 

Valencia, Spain

Pisa, Italy

Curve Ball

Life has a funny way of throwing things your way....

Sometimes its hard. It challenges you to the point were you almost start to question if there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thankfully, there has been nothing but light for me this past month.

I got into graduate school, am moving to Italy for the summer, graduated with a 3.6 GPA, and I get to be a little bit selfish....

I thought that having Alex leave would be the scariest, hardest, worst thing I could possibly live through.

Instead it has turned out to be the best thing I could have asked for.

What better time is there then RIGHT now to be selfish? Do the things that I want to do. Focus on my own dreams. Not feel obligated to anyone or anything.

Same for him. Its HIS time to live HIS life.

I couldn't be happier.

Living my life for myself is something I havent had the chance to do for quite awhile. And its so liberating to feel free.

I can be whoever I want to be. Do whatever I want to do.

I cant wait for this next chapter and the people and the opportunities that it brings to me.

The people. The food. The experiences. The lessons.

Its going to be so magical.

I already feel like this past three weeks has been life changing. And I have already made new friends and met new people that have really left a impact on me.

Everything is changing. Alex isnt the main person in my life. Angie moved up to Park City. Kelly moved to New York. Everyone else is focused on their boyfriends and getting married.

And for the first time EVER in my life.... I am not sad or scared or worried about everything changing.

I am ready. I am excited. I am anxious for it to already happen!

I cant wait to see what life is gonna throw at all of us next.

Dark tunnels or light.

I have had the most incredible lessons thrown at me.

From the dark ones, like loosing my grandma, watching my mom get heart surgery, my father battle clinical depression, and the uncertainty..

To the light ones like California, Israel, Europe, making new friends, getting Charlie, and watching my family overcome everything....

Each and every single one of them has taught me a valuable lesson. I wouldn't change one thing.

And I am more then ready for every other lesson that destiny has headed my way.

Good or bad.

As for everyone else going through change? I think they are gonna end up JUST fine ;)

Farewell.

So, here it goes...

Its been almost a week since Alex left for Norway.

I am surprised that it took this long for me to decide to write a post about it...

Truthfully, I dont really know how to feel.

Its a crazy mix of emotions that leaves me not knowing what to think, or how to act.

The reality of it hasn't really hit me yet.

This is the end of a whole chapter of my life... The biggest chapter thus far.

Everything is so contradicting right now.

One moment I am so happy and excited, the next I feel lost and scared.

He has been the most significant person in my life.

Even in the difficult times.... I knew that he was there.

Right now, he isnt.

For the next three years, he wont be.

We have both taken different paths in our lives... Started our own adventures that are leading in very different directions.

Its going to challenge us both.

As people, lovers, friends, family.... It will strain each role we have played in our time together.

But, my peace comes from the fact that I know that we both love each other and want nothing but the best for one another.

I know that no matter where we end up in these next chapters; we both know in our hearts that we love and support each other.

Even if our choices hurt. Even if its not what we expected. Even if our paths lead us apart.

We have 8 years of our lives to look back on and be thankful for.

Memories and experiences that NO one will be able to take away from either one of us.

More importantly, we have the security of knowing that no matter where we end up in our lives.... Who we are. What we do.... We will always be there for one another.

Alex has been my security blanket.

He is comfortable. It is easy. A hug from him can calm me down. A fight with him can make me cry.

You name it. He has made me feel it.

Because of him I learned to think of life in such a different way then I could have imagined.

I am who I am only because I met him.

The fear and the pain of the unknown and closing this book is overshadowed by the fact that I want him to accomplish every single thing that he dreams of.

But its still there.... And I worry about how things will turn out for us.

I cant picture my life with out him... But I cant picture it with only him either.

Its NOW that we both get to figure it out.

We get to see if this is the real thing.... Or if there is someone else for us.

Its the time when we will learn more about ourselves then ever before.

And thats pretty dang scary, because learning about yourself can be pretty hard.

I hope we both find out what we want.

I hope that we do amazing things with our lives.

I hope that love finds us both... With each other, or with someone new.

But more then anything I hope we always remember the love, friendship, and support that we brought each other and the memories that shaped us both into the people that we are.

Blue.

Its the smell of your old jewelry box.

The flash backs that come out of no where.

The stuffed animal monkey that you bought me.

Its the family dinners that seem empty and wrong.

The color blue.

Old china tea sets, and fruit cake.

Its the picture of you on the fireplace.

The stories you told me.

Why do all of this things need to remind me... That you are no longer here?

Id so much rather forget that all of the bad things that happened.

Its the feeling I get when I drive by all of your places.

The numb feeling.

Its those pictures of us... Before the diagnosis.

Nights like these, when it hits me that those times are over.

Its your three spoons of sugar in my black tea.

Oh, and those pastries.... filled with cheese.

The french poems you read me.

Your kind heart and your memories.

Its the times I remember.

The influence you made on me.

Its the understanding and wisdom you taught me.

And the beauty that you showed me.

Its all this and more.... That makes me long for you.

I hope that your happy.

I hope there is no pain.

I hope that your with me... With each step I take.

I hope I live up to what you saw in me.

Because you are my idol.

And because I still miss you.

Relief.

Life to me is all about adventures and growing as a person. Doing things that are completely out of your comfort zone and challenge you- forcing you to open up your mind and broaden your perspective on people and the world.

It is in the moments when you have no obligations, no past, no worries that you get to truly experience how grand life really is.

Like I wrote in my last blog post… I haven’t been feeling like myself again. Trapped, confined, unchallenged… I lost all sense of myself as a person.

Thankfully this spring break trip came at the EXACT right moment. I feel refreshed, enlightened, and once again motivated to be more… to DO more.

Going back to California reminded me of all the challenges I was able to overcome and the adventures that I had in the past few years. It reminded me that I am a worthy and capable person. That I CAN move to an unfamiliar place and build a life that is BETTER then the one that I know here at home. That people DO love me for ME and that I can make new friendships that are stronger and better then those from my past, and that there is more to life then this bubble… Where people drink coffee WITH you, don’t judge you for drinking wine, and actually go out and LIVE their life when they are 21 instead of just settling into a marriage.

Not that there is anything wrong with people choosing too live this way. 

To each is their own, and for some they truly BELIEVE in this and feel fulfilled with their life being like that… But, for ME it’s not who I am, what I believe in, or what I want. Which makes me constantly feel different and distant from the people here in Utah. 

I need adventure , culture, openness, honesty, reality, mistakes.  

I am DRAINED of being asked 1. Are you Mormon? 2. Are you dating anyone? 3. What high school did you go to?....  My answers are 1. No 2. Its complicated. 3. The most obnoxious one in the salt lake valley

I feel like the majority of person I have met here have nothing to say other then those three questions. I want to TALK to people about something MORE. I want to know about their travels, thoughts, ideas, love, life, political goals, life, experiences…. I want REALITY I don’t want to run into someone and have them be fake and act excited to see me and speak in a high pitch voice “OH MY GOSH how the heck have you been?!” Ummm… actually I haven’t seen you since high school #1 and #2 you didn’t talk to me IN high school and you haven’t talked to me since… and #3 you probably don’t even  remember my name… So please stop trying to act like you care.

I am in NO way trying to offend anyone or sound like a stuck up bitch. But I will be the first person to give my opinion that Utah is a bubble. A bubble that is full of white middle class people who are satisfied with being comfortable, and oblivious to the rest of the world.

I mean sure it is easy to believe in god and have faith when you are driving your suburban around to Nordstrom, Target, and Michael’s. You have a plate full of food and a house full of gadgets and toys. Probably a cabin or a boat, the chance to get educated, and a doctor is a phone call away.

Who wouldn’t believe that there is a god?

But… if he is so great and amazing WHY are there MILLION of children with NO food or medical care. Women being raped and sex trafficked. Children being forced to murder their parents and become slaves… Why would GOD let this happen?

Sure… The argument is “he made evil too challenge and separate the good from the bad, to help us remember OUR blessings”

Ummmm… well since ¾ of the world population doesn’t have water, food, shelter… He must not be that great because that’s a hell of a lot more BAD.

That four year old girl in Uganda does NOT deserve to be “less blessed” then a four year old born to a family in suburbia.

Yeah… its easy to believe in god and dedicate your life to him when you have a SUV full of food from Costco and a family boat attached to the back.

But instead of worrying about not drinking alcohol, being a virgin, and not swearing. You should be more worried about doing EVERYTHING you can to change the world and make sure that those children and those people aren’t suffering… If god was so great all that money you pay to the church would go to Africa or South America instead.

 The biggest lessons I have learned the past few years have made me realize how much more important it is to have diversity, friendship, and reality in your life then to have security, comfort, and luxury.

Reality comes with being around people who are open and willing to realize that life isn’t based on ANYTHING or anyone else other then yourself.

Seeing all of my friends that understand me… and feel/think the SAME about life as I do- reminded me that I have people out there supporting me and who don’t judge me for the opinions I hold or the person that I choose to be.  The second I stepped off my plane in LA last week I felt a sense of relief and purpose; it was like I was coming HOME.

I want to do more. I want to get drunk, travel, help people, make mistakes, do good to the world, be free, and have a latte…. I want to make my own decisions-not have faith that “someone” else is making them for me. I don’t want to constantly feel judged and self conscious.

So thank you to everyone I saw these last few days… You all helped me remember that I am here to do something greater then stay here feeling different and trapped.

I finally feel like ME again, and damn it feels good. 

Lost.

I feel so lost.

I havent felt this way in a LONG long time.

When I go back and read my posts from last year it feels like someone else wrote them, funny thing is that I predicted this. I predicted that this next year would be a challenge for me... Challenge my ability to remain strong when tested. Unfortunately, I feel like I failed. The person I was last year at this time would be disappointed to see how fast I crumbled.

I have slowly fallen into my same routine that I was in before California, Europe and Israel.

I feel like I am constantly consumed with a negative self image and worrying about what "everyone else thinks" about me.

Honestly, its almost even worse then it used to be because I THOUGHT I had figured it out.... I thought I had become stronger. Better. But,  reality is showing me that I was quite wrong.

 I have been finding myself slipping back into staying quiet in class... EVEN THOUGH I know the right answer-because I fear sounding stupid.

Or over thinking how to respond to someone else trying to talk to me, and not being able to uphold a conversation. I find myself questioning my friends. Sleeping all day instead of being productive. Crying for no reason to cry. Getting angry over stupid insignificant things. Loosing any sense of control.

It feels like I did a full circle and ended up right back where I started.

My heart breaks- I progressed SO much, and it feels like I lost it too fast.

Honestly, its back to asking "who am I?"

And having nothing to respond with.

I need to find me again.

That light that I had last year... The confidence, the happiness, friendship, love, INDEPENDANCE.

It felt so good to feel satisfied in my OWN skin.

I miss it.

I want to find it again. No, I NEED to find it again, because I cant do this any more... Its draining and it is painful.