Goals

One thing that no one can ever take away from you are your accomplishments.

Goals that you set for yourself and end up completing give you a inner confidence that makes you glow from the inside out.

Pushing yourself to achieve something that you envision for yourself is stimulating and challenging it requires dedication, passion, motivation, and time. 

My belief is that if you want something bad enough- you will do whatever it takes to get it.

Having a goal changes the meaning of a persons life. 

It gives you a reason for being alive- a purpose.

The most lost people often dont have anything that they want- they dont have a passion, the motivation, or the will to experience something more. 

They are comfortable. Living day to day, clocking in and out, following the same routine that allows them to live that middle class life style. Striving for security. 

Longing for meaning. 

I dont ever want to be one of those people. I never want to stop working towards something. 

I have so much that I want to do in my lifetime because I realize that there might only be one opportunity to do it. 

There is nothing that I believe in more then setting goals for oneself and working towards achieving them. 

Small or big- it doesn't matter. As long as it forces you to continue working towards finding meaning in yourself. 

These are some of my goals that I want to accomplish in the next five years:

1. Graduate with a masters degree.

2. Get into a Psy D. program

3. Go to Thailand

4. Go to Australia

5. Go to South America

6. Start writing a book

7. Find love 

8. Change someones life

9. Buy a car without my parents support

10. Do something for the community at least once a month

11. Get a spot on LA talk radio once a week for at least an hour

12. Learn to not get nervous when I public speak

13. Be a better daughter

14. Be a better friend

15. Experience crazy passion and love for a man

16. Let go of my insecurities

17. Stop eating so much sugar

18. Practice speaking Russian so that I dont loose it

19. Forgive the people that hurt me in my past

20. Coachella

21. Skinny dip (yes I havent ever!!!)

Day in and day out I realize there isnt much time between our crazy schedules, bills, and school to accomplish these little things. Yet, I know at the end of our lives the little things defy so much more then we realize while we were lost in our routines. 

I have goals, dreams, and unrealistic expectations of what I want my life to be- but at least I have the ability to fight for my vision because I wont ever be the type of woman who settles for satisfaction. I dont believe in ever being satisfied. There is always room to for improvement in all aspects of our lives. 

When we stop fighting for something. We stop living. 

Here are some pics from the last few months of my experience in graduate school and the amazing people that reaching this goal brought into my life:

Thrill

Have you ever looked around and wondered how people can be ok with "settling"- accepting something that is only "good enough" or "as good as its gonna get"?

I do that every single day.

I dont know if I am crazy... Or have unrealistic expectations. 

I want more. I never want to just be "satisfied" with something. I want it to be amazing. Thrilling. Exciting. Difficult. 

From travelling, people, and love... To my career.

I want to live my life to the fullest. Never settling- and never having to look back on anything and wonder "what if?"

Thankfully, I have learned my own value and power. Setting goals that give me something to work towards. I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish. I know I am worthy of a life that I picture for myself.

Not because I think I am "better" or "special" but because I know that when I want something.... I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. 

Learning to be confident in myself and sticking to my decisions, listening to my gut, and constantly reminding myself that "there is more out there" has lead me to some pretty amazing things. 11 different countries, amazing people, places, experiences, a masters program, an job that I love, good friends around me, and respect of my parents. At 21, thats pretty damn good. 

I didn't get here easy. Some might say I am "spoiled', however, I worked my ass off  in order to save for my trips to Europe, get into graduate school, graduate college in 3 years, I am also aware I will probably spend a lot more time busting my ass off in order to get what I want out of my life.

I am okay with that. 

Yes, I was blessed with a supportive family. However, I also have been the ring leader and decided that I will never settle for less.

 Its taken a lot of hurt and loss of people that really mattered to me- it taught me to be diligent and aware of things and to clear my life of people that dont want what is best for me. 

I am realizing that sometimes it will take me hurting people that wont be able to meet me at the level I need them too, being hurt, failing, pushing forward, and constantly re-evaluating my priorities. 

Yet- I somehow know it will all be worth it.

Everything I picture of my life. It will happen. I will fight for it.

I wont settle for "good" or "okay"

Because life comes around once and if you settle- you'll never get another chance. 

So...

If you want true love- dont settle

If you want to go travel and see the world- dont settle

If you want good health- dont settle

If you want true friends- dont settle

If you want opportunity- dont settle

If you want freedom- dont settle

If you want money- dont settle

If you want hope- dont settle

If you want peace- dont settle

Go out there and figure out a way to get it. But god damn- dont EVER settle. 

Adjustment

Love.

Life.

Lessons.

Is there a purpose? A purpose for hurt? A purpose for happiness?

Honestly, like most of us... I find myself constantly wondering. What is the point?

WHY are we here?

WHY is that some people come into our lives and affect us so much- while others just pass through?

I find it crazy the ways that we affect one another.... either by loving, hurting, or both.

WHY is it that life somehow finds away to put someone there at the most inconvenient time?

It just doesn't seem fair.

You either hurt or get hurt. And in all actuality no one ever truly "wins"...

As I reflect back on the most influential people in my life I can think of a few extremely significant ones- and unfortunately either direction one of us ended up hurting the other. Them-me. Me-them.

They each taught me a lesson. Good or bad. Made me grow in different ways. Feel, doubt, hurt, laugh, love, fight.... everything possible.

Why is it that life choose to put these particular people there? In that specific moment of time...

WHY is it that life makes things so hard?

The only answer I can think of is somehow or someday the answer will come to me. I will just know. I will know the reason my heart broke and I broke hearts. Clarity will flood me... and all the uncertainty will vanish.

Maybe that moment comes during our last breath, maybe when we meet our "soul mate", or ... maybe it just comes in a peaceful minute alone.

Maybe.... it just never comes and thats the beauty of it.

I dont know.

All I know is that I fear this feeling- the feeling of venerability, loss, uncertainty, hurt.

Yet, I know this is one of those times in life when you follow your heart and do the hard thing.... because you know it is the right thing- somewhere deep down... You just know.

It will hurt. It does hurt... you feel like you are standing in a black room.

I just need to remember as time passes and your eyes adjust slowly things become more clear.

Sun

Life is one crazy, beautiful, difficult, journey.

Right now I feel like I have this perfect mess infront of me.

Everything is going exactly how I wanted it too. I love my job, school, the people in my life... I figured out who I am, what I want and the people whom matter.

From the outsiders eye and in my head I feel like I am on right track.

The right track for ME.

However, life brings others into your journey. The choices that you make end up affecting them... hurting, changing, enlightening them. No matter what- the actions and decisions you make cause a chain of events.

So here I am.

For the first time in my life- confident and secure in MY own SKIN. I know I am doing what is best for ME.

Yet, I feel a weight on my shoulders because I am affecting the lives of other people. People who care about me more then I could imagine. People who love ME in the way that MILLIONS are searching for....

People who I have the capacity to completely crush- by one selfish move.

That pressure is overwhelming.

I am torn between realizing what I want and NEED in my life. Doing what is best for me- and letting go of things that I possibly might never get again... Or settling for something I know isn't what I invision of my life- but being comfortable and satisfied.

Which do I choose?

Everything is laid out for me on a silver platter. The ball is in MY court. Everything has turned out better then I could have asked for- and somehow I still feel unsatisfied.

My head and my heart are in a constant battle. They have been since I was 15 and discovered for the first time what LOVE truly feels like.

Always... I would choose to be unselfish. Things ended up never working out. I would constantly be giving more then I was getting. The people I cared about would always leave.

The ONE time I decided to do something for MYSELF- I imediately saw the benefit. I realized I can control the outcome of my life. The people I surround myself with and be who EVER I wanted to be.

I became selfish. Things worked out a lot better for me. I love myself and that confidence attracted the right people to me.

However, now I am faced with the inevitable realization that my actions and decisions affect the lives of others- and I can honestly say I dont know what to do....

I can be selfish... Keep getting what I need. But never being able to give what the other person needs... or I can be unselfish and walk away.

Crush them- but save them from myself in the long run....

Because I know me. I know I wont settle and that "good" wont ever be good enough.

I want more. I want to travel, learn, grow, live in different places. I want to be free.

My personality doesnt let me settle. It drives me insane when I am not challenged or when I know I am capable of more.

But what happens to those people that I surround myself with?

The good ones... The ones that love me. The ones that give me everything....

When I become unsatisfied and leave.

Because I do...

Two very important people said something very significant to me.

The first one:

"You are an guardian angel- but you are an angel that comes... but isnt ment to stay forever. You come and you show people the things that they never realized about themselves and then you leave them on the path to becoming better"

The second:

"You are like the sun... You come and you go. Warm things up.... but also have the capability to burn them"

I know this about myself.

I always knew I was different- I never was "popular" or "pretty" in my life. I felt like an outcast. Never understanding myself fully- but always knowing that I was capable of more. That I was ment to affect others in ways that few people understand....

Thats why I chose to be a therapist. I KNOW ill change the lives of people- Its what I am ment to do. Maybe not every single client that walks through my door. But knowing that I changed the life of at least ONE is enough....

And thats how it is in my personal life too. Not many people "understand me" or are affected by me...

But I know that the few people I do affect- I affect them in a real, powerful, unexplainable way.

That scares me. It puts me in a bind. Pressures me... because I dont want to hurt them. Ever.

I cant walk way and be selfish with those people- and it ends up screwing me in the end.

So... What do I do? Listen to my heart or my head?

Is there ever an answer to that question?

2012.

I haven't written a post for so long.... So here I am.

Long over due.

On the last day of 2012.

I look back on this year and realize how quickly life goes by.

One year ago I wrote a post hoping that 2012 would be a better year then 2011. I can honestly say... My wishful thoughts came true.

From getting that acceptance letter to graduate school, traveling all over Europe, moving to California, starting my first BIG girl job, meeting some amazing new people, and realizing who/what matters.

2012 was incredible.

I feel like this past year has taught me to value my blessings, the people who love me, and most importantly myself.

The biggest realization I had the past few months is that I am capable of achieving anything in my life.

If I work hard enough for it, make good choices, and surround myself with the right people.

Through the challenges of realizing my "best friend" wasn't truly ever a friend and coming to the decision that my life would be better without her, to understanding that it was time to close the chapter involving my first love, moving away, balancing school, work, and a social life, and meeting some amazing people that have shown me unconditional friendship and love.

 I have really come to understand how STRONG I am and learned to value myself.

Looking back on my past- it's hard for me to believe how concerned I was about things that dont even matter.

I never realized that my path would lead me to a place like this- A place of inner peace.

Knowing that everything that I am doing in my life and the choices I have made have been right. Difficult at times... yes. Stressful at times... hell ya.

But... RIGHT.

I cant describe the feeling that I get when I realize all that I have been able to accomplish in this past year- and honestly I dont even care if it sounds "cocky" to say that I am proud of myself.

Because I am.

I understand that I have a lot of learning, growing, and challenges up ahead. Life's never easy and growing never stops.

No doubt there will be times I loose myself again and feel insecure or lost.

However, in those moments I hope- I remember this feeling. The feeling of empowerment that I have felt these last few months.

Also, it is my wish for everyone.... To stop and take a moment and realize that they can do anything they wish in life.

Never to settle for "good" but always strive for the best. Stop letting the wrong people affect you and figure out who the right ones are.

Because as soon as you take responsibility and control- things begin to fall into place and somehow... you begin to realize the meaning and purpose "YOU" have in this crazy experience we can "life."

2012 I leave you with my soul at ease and my heart warm- this has been one monumental year.

2013.... Bring it on baby.

 Here are some highlights of the past few months:

Needle in the Haystack

How is it that people- people, we didn’t even know existed can come into our life and change everything?

Life can be such a crazy confusing mess sometimes.

Then out of nowhere you meet someone, move somewhere, do something and your paths cross with people who you just KNOW are supposed to play a part in your life.

Suddenly, that giant mess of crazy makes perfect sense.

Trials and the happy moment that we go through.

Each person in our past that hurt us, each lesson we learn, wall we built, love that we lost.

There comes a moment of clarity were you realize all of it was worth it. Because it brought you right here. Right to the place, people, and opportunities that you are supposed to have in your life.

Exactly were you are meant to be.

I don’t want to sound naïve and say that our lives are controlled by “destiny”- but I will be the first to vouch that in my own experience; there are people that I know I was supposed to meet.

That crazy ass connection when you just “get” someone. You might barely even know them, but you feel like you do.

 I can’t believe how lucky I have gotten these last few months. Everything fell into place exactly how it was supposed to.

There is one person in particular- who I know is supposed to be there.

I was so scared and guarded to let them in.

I challenged it. I questioned the motives. I protected myself.

Only to have them prove me wrong.

Time and time again.

I kept expecting the same pattern to happen.

It hasn’t.

For some reason I know it wont…

I know this person cares about me- and did from the moment we met.

I know that they wont hurt me intentionally.

I know that they will protect me and do everything to make sure that I am happy.

I know that there is something really special between us.

As scary as it is… I haven’t ever felt more “right” about something before.

As hard for me as it is to admit- maybe there is someone out there who wont hurt you. Ever.

Someone who cares about you for the person that you are- and wants nothing but the best for you,

Someone who wants to become better for YOU.

Someone who will show you unconditional kindness, compassion and will be patient with you, willing wait for you to realize what they already know…. And not push you to do something you are not ready for.

Someone who brings you a special little gift each time they see you- Just because it makes them excited when they see you happy.

I also know that when you find that someone, unless life has another plan for you… You better hold on to them.

People like this…. They are hard to find.

Like a needle in a haystack.  

A letter to no one.

Dear old friend-

Remember those moments we once spent together?

The endless hours laughing over nothing, our handshake, singing along to songs at the top of our lungs, sleepovers, tears, laughs, family fights, hour long phone conversations, endless questions about our future, and the promise that we would be there for each other for forever.

Funny how fast things change.

I like to look back on those times and try to remember those two girls- best friends. partners in life.

Unfortunately it never was fair. It was never was right. I should have known that from the start.

Time and time again- same pattern... different guy.

Yes, this is about you.

You know who you are.

You hurt me once- shame on you... You hurt me three times- shame on me.

Always laughing and happy around everyone else.

Too bad they didnt see everything.

Chicks before Dicks? Yeah right.

I am sick of dwelling in that friendships light- because its a light that never existed because EACH time it was so easy for you to diminish it.
 
No one knows about each time I forgave you.

Not once did I question inviting YOU into MY life.... Opened arms. Endless invitations- For what?

I hope you are happy, everyone loves you.

You got just what you wanted.

Mom warned me from the very start.

Selfish cant be hidden in the eyes.

Shame on me for never listening- and defending you in EVERY fucking fight.

I dont care if this hurts you.

Because you and I know- when you saw me confident and happy, it made you angry inside. 

You never wanted what was best for me- what type of friendship is that?

Every guy that hurt you, used you or abused you- gets more credit then everything we ever had.

Thank you for showing me how naive I was- But more importantly, thank you for showing me what type of friends not to have.

That letter you wrote me... was a load of crap.

Let me remind you...Each time it was ME that took you back.

Not once did you make the effort.

"You werent convenient at the time"- how about everyone hears about that?

The truth is cold, hard, and painful... But its a fact.

Thank god I finally saw it- Because I was sick of pretending.

I hope everything works out for you... with guy number whatever....