Farewell.

So, here it goes...

Its been almost a week since Alex left for Norway.

I am surprised that it took this long for me to decide to write a post about it...

Truthfully, I dont really know how to feel.

Its a crazy mix of emotions that leaves me not knowing what to think, or how to act.

The reality of it hasn't really hit me yet.

This is the end of a whole chapter of my life... The biggest chapter thus far.

Everything is so contradicting right now.

One moment I am so happy and excited, the next I feel lost and scared.

He has been the most significant person in my life.

Even in the difficult times.... I knew that he was there.

Right now, he isnt.

For the next three years, he wont be.

We have both taken different paths in our lives... Started our own adventures that are leading in very different directions.

Its going to challenge us both.

As people, lovers, friends, family.... It will strain each role we have played in our time together.

But, my peace comes from the fact that I know that we both love each other and want nothing but the best for one another.

I know that no matter where we end up in these next chapters; we both know in our hearts that we love and support each other.

Even if our choices hurt. Even if its not what we expected. Even if our paths lead us apart.

We have 8 years of our lives to look back on and be thankful for.

Memories and experiences that NO one will be able to take away from either one of us.

More importantly, we have the security of knowing that no matter where we end up in our lives.... Who we are. What we do.... We will always be there for one another.

Alex has been my security blanket.

He is comfortable. It is easy. A hug from him can calm me down. A fight with him can make me cry.

You name it. He has made me feel it.

Because of him I learned to think of life in such a different way then I could have imagined.

I am who I am only because I met him.

The fear and the pain of the unknown and closing this book is overshadowed by the fact that I want him to accomplish every single thing that he dreams of.

But its still there.... And I worry about how things will turn out for us.

I cant picture my life with out him... But I cant picture it with only him either.

Its NOW that we both get to figure it out.

We get to see if this is the real thing.... Or if there is someone else for us.

Its the time when we will learn more about ourselves then ever before.

And thats pretty dang scary, because learning about yourself can be pretty hard.

I hope we both find out what we want.

I hope that we do amazing things with our lives.

I hope that love finds us both... With each other, or with someone new.

But more then anything I hope we always remember the love, friendship, and support that we brought each other and the memories that shaped us both into the people that we are.

Blue.

Its the smell of your old jewelry box.

The flash backs that come out of no where.

The stuffed animal monkey that you bought me.

Its the family dinners that seem empty and wrong.

The color blue.

Old china tea sets, and fruit cake.

Its the picture of you on the fireplace.

The stories you told me.

Why do all of this things need to remind me... That you are no longer here?

Id so much rather forget that all of the bad things that happened.

Its the feeling I get when I drive by all of your places.

The numb feeling.

Its those pictures of us... Before the diagnosis.

Nights like these, when it hits me that those times are over.

Its your three spoons of sugar in my black tea.

Oh, and those pastries.... filled with cheese.

The french poems you read me.

Your kind heart and your memories.

Its the times I remember.

The influence you made on me.

Its the understanding and wisdom you taught me.

And the beauty that you showed me.

Its all this and more.... That makes me long for you.

I hope that your happy.

I hope there is no pain.

I hope that your with me... With each step I take.

I hope I live up to what you saw in me.

Because you are my idol.

And because I still miss you.

Relief.

Life to me is all about adventures and growing as a person. Doing things that are completely out of your comfort zone and challenge you- forcing you to open up your mind and broaden your perspective on people and the world.

It is in the moments when you have no obligations, no past, no worries that you get to truly experience how grand life really is.

Like I wrote in my last blog post… I haven’t been feeling like myself again. Trapped, confined, unchallenged… I lost all sense of myself as a person.

Thankfully this spring break trip came at the EXACT right moment. I feel refreshed, enlightened, and once again motivated to be more… to DO more.

Going back to California reminded me of all the challenges I was able to overcome and the adventures that I had in the past few years. It reminded me that I am a worthy and capable person. That I CAN move to an unfamiliar place and build a life that is BETTER then the one that I know here at home. That people DO love me for ME and that I can make new friendships that are stronger and better then those from my past, and that there is more to life then this bubble… Where people drink coffee WITH you, don’t judge you for drinking wine, and actually go out and LIVE their life when they are 21 instead of just settling into a marriage.

Not that there is anything wrong with people choosing too live this way. 

To each is their own, and for some they truly BELIEVE in this and feel fulfilled with their life being like that… But, for ME it’s not who I am, what I believe in, or what I want. Which makes me constantly feel different and distant from the people here in Utah. 

I need adventure , culture, openness, honesty, reality, mistakes.  

I am DRAINED of being asked 1. Are you Mormon? 2. Are you dating anyone? 3. What high school did you go to?....  My answers are 1. No 2. Its complicated. 3. The most obnoxious one in the salt lake valley

I feel like the majority of person I have met here have nothing to say other then those three questions. I want to TALK to people about something MORE. I want to know about their travels, thoughts, ideas, love, life, political goals, life, experiences…. I want REALITY I don’t want to run into someone and have them be fake and act excited to see me and speak in a high pitch voice “OH MY GOSH how the heck have you been?!” Ummm… actually I haven’t seen you since high school #1 and #2 you didn’t talk to me IN high school and you haven’t talked to me since… and #3 you probably don’t even  remember my name… So please stop trying to act like you care.

I am in NO way trying to offend anyone or sound like a stuck up bitch. But I will be the first person to give my opinion that Utah is a bubble. A bubble that is full of white middle class people who are satisfied with being comfortable, and oblivious to the rest of the world.

I mean sure it is easy to believe in god and have faith when you are driving your suburban around to Nordstrom, Target, and Michael’s. You have a plate full of food and a house full of gadgets and toys. Probably a cabin or a boat, the chance to get educated, and a doctor is a phone call away.

Who wouldn’t believe that there is a god?

But… if he is so great and amazing WHY are there MILLION of children with NO food or medical care. Women being raped and sex trafficked. Children being forced to murder their parents and become slaves… Why would GOD let this happen?

Sure… The argument is “he made evil too challenge and separate the good from the bad, to help us remember OUR blessings”

Ummmm… well since ¾ of the world population doesn’t have water, food, shelter… He must not be that great because that’s a hell of a lot more BAD.

That four year old girl in Uganda does NOT deserve to be “less blessed” then a four year old born to a family in suburbia.

Yeah… its easy to believe in god and dedicate your life to him when you have a SUV full of food from Costco and a family boat attached to the back.

But instead of worrying about not drinking alcohol, being a virgin, and not swearing. You should be more worried about doing EVERYTHING you can to change the world and make sure that those children and those people aren’t suffering… If god was so great all that money you pay to the church would go to Africa or South America instead.

 The biggest lessons I have learned the past few years have made me realize how much more important it is to have diversity, friendship, and reality in your life then to have security, comfort, and luxury.

Reality comes with being around people who are open and willing to realize that life isn’t based on ANYTHING or anyone else other then yourself.

Seeing all of my friends that understand me… and feel/think the SAME about life as I do- reminded me that I have people out there supporting me and who don’t judge me for the opinions I hold or the person that I choose to be.  The second I stepped off my plane in LA last week I felt a sense of relief and purpose; it was like I was coming HOME.

I want to do more. I want to get drunk, travel, help people, make mistakes, do good to the world, be free, and have a latte…. I want to make my own decisions-not have faith that “someone” else is making them for me. I don’t want to constantly feel judged and self conscious.

So thank you to everyone I saw these last few days… You all helped me remember that I am here to do something greater then stay here feeling different and trapped.

I finally feel like ME again, and damn it feels good. 

Lost.

I feel so lost.

I havent felt this way in a LONG long time.

When I go back and read my posts from last year it feels like someone else wrote them, funny thing is that I predicted this. I predicted that this next year would be a challenge for me... Challenge my ability to remain strong when tested. Unfortunately, I feel like I failed. The person I was last year at this time would be disappointed to see how fast I crumbled.

I have slowly fallen into my same routine that I was in before California, Europe and Israel.

I feel like I am constantly consumed with a negative self image and worrying about what "everyone else thinks" about me.

Honestly, its almost even worse then it used to be because I THOUGHT I had figured it out.... I thought I had become stronger. Better. But,  reality is showing me that I was quite wrong.

 I have been finding myself slipping back into staying quiet in class... EVEN THOUGH I know the right answer-because I fear sounding stupid.

Or over thinking how to respond to someone else trying to talk to me, and not being able to uphold a conversation. I find myself questioning my friends. Sleeping all day instead of being productive. Crying for no reason to cry. Getting angry over stupid insignificant things. Loosing any sense of control.

It feels like I did a full circle and ended up right back where I started.

My heart breaks- I progressed SO much, and it feels like I lost it too fast.

Honestly, its back to asking "who am I?"

And having nothing to respond with.

I need to find me again.

That light that I had last year... The confidence, the happiness, friendship, love, INDEPENDANCE.

It felt so good to feel satisfied in my OWN skin.

I miss it.

I want to find it again. No, I NEED to find it again, because I cant do this any more... Its draining and it is painful.

Significant vs. Not.

There are moments in life when you are forced to take a hard look at yourself, from the inside out.

Reflect on who you are, where you have been, and were you are going.

Are you the type of person that you want to be?

Have you done something meaningful?

Do you challenge yourself to be better?

These moments are sometimes full of realization, clarity, and reflection.

Often these are the times when we come to terms with the path our life has taken.

Other times they force us to realize that we need to make a drastic change.

Either way, in those few seconds that your mind wanders, heart races, and chest swells I believe you learn more about yourself then in the hours you spend doing “important” but insignificant things.

The last few days I have been stressed about work, constantly consumed with studying, and filled with uncertainty about my future.

Last night as I was talking to my best friend and remembering moments we shared, change we endured (and survived), and growth that we experienced.

I suddenly realized that the majority of the most important lessons have come from life. Not from a text book, a pay check, or running an errand.

The lessons that have mattered have been hidden in friendships, love, mistakes, concerts, trips…. Laughs and cries.

And have lead me to become a better person.

Those are the lessons that truly matter.

I understood in that moment that at the end of the story- we remember moments we shared, with the special people, places, and things in our lives.

More then likely… those special moments won’t be found in our text book or pay check.

They will be found in times when you “called in sick” but instead stayed in bed with the person you love. Concerts that caused you too miss class and spend the day in “recovery” mode. Or that spontaneous road trip that you went with your friends- which cost you that first minimum wage job.

Sometimes the most valuable lessons come from breaking all the expectations-and just living.

It hit me that I can not keep bringing the stress and worry from my job and school into my life.

By carrying it with me constantly- I have been ruining my own chance at living, being happy, and moving forward as a person.

Significant people, things, and experiences have taken a back burner to upholding a “social” standard-which at the end of the day doesn’t even matter.

Right now is my time. The start of MY life. The point of separation from my parent, friends, and home.

Instead of appreciating the time I have left with them and focusing on how I can be a better daughter, friend, lover… I have been consumed with “drama” at work and “expectations” to maintain straight A’s and getting into graduate school…

When in reality these things don’t even matter- while those people do and always will.

It hit me that I probably won’t remember one damn thing from any of my exams-by the end of the summer… Or actually probably right after I finish taking them, ill probably have even worse “drama” at work, and have even worse experiences with different managers, and that C in American history-might be masked by that A in my psychology class and my volunteer experiences that have helped others.

But someone I love can be lost in a moment to a accident or a disease. I might never get the chance to go to a place again… and there will be a time when I look back on my life and wish I had appreciated the people, opportunities, and things that matter just a bit more.

Basically, last night really brought forth a moment of realization and growth for me as a PERSON.

I don’t want to look back on my life and have ANY regrets.

For the first time in a long time… I feel like I really opened up my eyes and saw where my true priorities should lye

Blue Eyes.

One thing I know about myself is that I dont fall easy for men... In fact I would confidently say that I am probably the most picky girls in the world.

When it comes to guys, I find each and every flaw and pick them apart. 

However, when I do fall. I fall hard.

This summer I ment someone who really left a impact on me. 

I didn't even know him for more then a month.... But, for some reason I cant seem to shake the influence he had on me. 

Whether it was the first time our arms grazed and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe, or the first time that we made eye contact across a crowed dinner hall and butterflies sprung into my stomach, or maybe it was the fact that I remembered his name the first time he told me it and no one else's.... Or the fact that his eyes were the most sincere, kind, and beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen, and his dimples made his entire face wrinkle when he smiled. Maybe it was the fact that he was older and had more experiance with life... 

I dont know. 

What I do know is that I cant seem to shake off how I felt about him.

Literally, at least once a week I lay in my bed and I remember those few days with him.

The conversations we had, how easy and comfortable it was, and the chemistry that I havent ever felt before. 

Its difficult for me to admit.... But, I havent ever felt that way for someone. At least not so strong, and defiantly not that fast. 

Not even for my first love. 

Why? I honestly cant explain it.

When I got home from my trip with this person- I seriously felt sick constantly, I began questioning my whole life at home.

I couldnt help but wonder "what if..."? 

Unfortunately, he was far away. In a different stage of his life. And had different expectations for his future. 

Nevertheless, I felt like I had to go out and see him... Figure it out myself, everything that I had been feeling these last few months home.

When I did go there.... I saw how different he was in his "real life" then he was with me in the summer. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks-the person I knew for those few days wasn't who he really was. I was making him out to be something that he wasnt.

I left there feeling confident that I had fallen for an "illusion" of someone else.

I wish I can say I got home and forgot about it.

But... I havent. 

Constantly, I am consumed with how I felt for those few days.... Those few moments. Wondering. Questioning. Wishing. Longing.

I dont know what type of connection was made between us. I really cant understand it. 

But, what I can say is it keeps coming into my mind and into my heart.

 I keep longing for those moments with him... I keep replaying them in my head.

And I have no idea why.

I assume that it is a sign I am missing something in my life... That some were my limbo is off.

The craziest thing is.... I was willing to break my unreasonably high standards for him. I was willing to let go of my secure and comfortable life for him. 

I just cant get over how crazy it all is... was.

What I have learned though is that connections like that are rare.... beautiful, exhilarating, but they are dangerous and painful, and they leave us confused, frustrated, and longing for more. 

Assert.

Two blog posts in ONE day?! Crazy.... But when it comes, it just comes.

As I was at the gym today I started to reflect on myself as a person...

The good things about myself, and the unfortunate ones too.

Ill be the first to admit that I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with.

I constantly find myself at extremes with people: they either LOVE me or they HATE me. There is never a medium.

It gets kind of difficult sometimes.

I feel like I am one of those people that others make assumptions about the moment that they meet me.... Either "I really like her" or "I really dont".

Sadly, its pretty hard for me to shake either off... I either feel overwhelmed by how fast the grow to like me, or self conscious about why they dont.

Luckily, I know that those whom know me best all love me, and for that I am thankful.

But it sometimes makes me doubt myself and act self conscious towards people that I do not know....It sort of becomes a self fore filling prophecy.

I act open and warm towards people who I feel start of "liking" me and I act dismissive and shy toward those who I feel "dont".

As I thought about it more and more..... I realized that I need to work on being more assertive.

Not saying that I am not (I always state my opinion about things/people when I probably should just shut up)

By assertive I mean that I need to stop worrying so much about how I "think" they feel about me and realize that I should act like myself ALL the time, even if I feel like everyone around me is judging me.

If they still dont like me... for me, I probably shouldn't waste my time or energy worrying about them!

I know there are some things I need to work on... I mean there is always going to be room for improvement.

But, that doesn't mean I need to cower away from anyone I feel does not hold a "favorable" view of me.

After all, the people that matter love me through all of my flaws. They just love ME!