Farewell.

So, here it goes...

Its been almost a week since Alex left for Norway.

I am surprised that it took this long for me to decide to write a post about it...

Truthfully, I dont really know how to feel.

Its a crazy mix of emotions that leaves me not knowing what to think, or how to act.

The reality of it hasn't really hit me yet.

This is the end of a whole chapter of my life... The biggest chapter thus far.

Everything is so contradicting right now.

One moment I am so happy and excited, the next I feel lost and scared.

He has been the most significant person in my life.

Even in the difficult times.... I knew that he was there.

Right now, he isnt.

For the next three years, he wont be.

We have both taken different paths in our lives... Started our own adventures that are leading in very different directions.

Its going to challenge us both.

As people, lovers, friends, family.... It will strain each role we have played in our time together.

But, my peace comes from the fact that I know that we both love each other and want nothing but the best for one another.

I know that no matter where we end up in these next chapters; we both know in our hearts that we love and support each other.

Even if our choices hurt. Even if its not what we expected. Even if our paths lead us apart.

We have 8 years of our lives to look back on and be thankful for.

Memories and experiences that NO one will be able to take away from either one of us.

More importantly, we have the security of knowing that no matter where we end up in our lives.... Who we are. What we do.... We will always be there for one another.

Alex has been my security blanket.

He is comfortable. It is easy. A hug from him can calm me down. A fight with him can make me cry.

You name it. He has made me feel it.

Because of him I learned to think of life in such a different way then I could have imagined.

I am who I am only because I met him.

The fear and the pain of the unknown and closing this book is overshadowed by the fact that I want him to accomplish every single thing that he dreams of.

But its still there.... And I worry about how things will turn out for us.

I cant picture my life with out him... But I cant picture it with only him either.

Its NOW that we both get to figure it out.

We get to see if this is the real thing.... Or if there is someone else for us.

Its the time when we will learn more about ourselves then ever before.

And thats pretty dang scary, because learning about yourself can be pretty hard.

I hope we both find out what we want.

I hope that we do amazing things with our lives.

I hope that love finds us both... With each other, or with someone new.

But more then anything I hope we always remember the love, friendship, and support that we brought each other and the memories that shaped us both into the people that we are.

Blue.

Its the smell of your old jewelry box.

The flash backs that come out of no where.

The stuffed animal monkey that you bought me.

Its the family dinners that seem empty and wrong.

The color blue.

Old china tea sets, and fruit cake.

Its the picture of you on the fireplace.

The stories you told me.

Why do all of this things need to remind me... That you are no longer here?

Id so much rather forget that all of the bad things that happened.

Its the feeling I get when I drive by all of your places.

The numb feeling.

Its those pictures of us... Before the diagnosis.

Nights like these, when it hits me that those times are over.

Its your three spoons of sugar in my black tea.

Oh, and those pastries.... filled with cheese.

The french poems you read me.

Your kind heart and your memories.

Its the times I remember.

The influence you made on me.

Its the understanding and wisdom you taught me.

And the beauty that you showed me.

Its all this and more.... That makes me long for you.

I hope that your happy.

I hope there is no pain.

I hope that your with me... With each step I take.

I hope I live up to what you saw in me.

Because you are my idol.

And because I still miss you.