15 bucks... for peace of mind

The other day as I was wandering the streets of New York City I happen to stumble across a psychic.

Suddenly I was sitting in the waiting room and thinking about how I need to stop making spontaneous decisions....


30 minutes and 15 dollars later I came walking out the door.

Surprisingly touched by what this strange woman had just "seen" in my cards.

Are psychics legit? I dont know.
Is what they say bull sh*t? I dont know.

All that I know is that people have certain energies about them... And maybe, just MAYBE sometimes SOMETHING can pick it up.

As I shuffled the terit cards I thought to myself  "I must be slightly crazy"

Then she started talking.... Since I did the cheapest reading I only got three areas of my life read. Love. Career. Friendship.

First she started with friendship. She told me that I have a particularly important friendship in my life that affects me more then any other. She also said that for the past 2 years this friendship has had jealousy and and negative energy surrounding it- and that in the past 6 months its really began to affect me.

She told me that I have developed a "shield" from this person and that I have learned to shut myself off from them. That this person loves me in their own way-but that they aren't always happy for me in my achievements and experiences.

From there she went on to say that I have just had really amazing experiences and opportunities come up in my life and that I am not taking advantage of them and that I am letting my energy focus on the wrong areas, and letting the jealousy of others affect my experiences. Focusing more on them then on the moments and experiences that I have been given.

That sure got me thinking....

Next was Love.

One area that I am quite messed up in. First she told me that there is someone who I feel a extremely strong spiritual connection too-but that I cant be with this person because of a physical distance. Also, that I have a back and forth pull in my idea of "love".... That I want to be independent, single, alone, yet I also yearn for closeness, commitment, togetherness.

Truth.

She went on to tell me that I constantly crave that which I cannot have... and push away what I do.

Truth.

Then it got to the emotional part. The part were she looked at me and told me exactly what I already knew about myself....

That I need to stop fearing letting people in, letting them love me, open up to me.... come close to me. That I have the ability to affect people in incredible ways if I let them see who I really am. If I let them love me, and open my love to them.

That is when she went into career. In my cards it says I am meant to be successful. To be the best at what I do... and to help people. However, that I also need to use my abilities to touch people in an "artistic" way. I was taken back... It has been my dream to one day write a book, or have a talk show that focuses on mental health issues.

How could all of this be seen in my cards?

She looked at me and said-"You are a person that will do whatever it takes to get what you want. You want to prove to yourself and to everyone else that you are independent and strong. But you wont ever be able to be successful in your career until you being letting people in- because that's the way your are going to change lives and make a career by touching other peoples hearts, and letting them touch yours."

Something I needed to hear.

I have to stop protecting myself from the fear of being hurt.

Just because I have been hurt in the past by people that I loved does NOT mean that I will always be hurt.

It hit me that I could have missed out on making a difference in SO many peoples lives this past few months because I was so focused on the wrong people, and on protecting MYSELF.

Its time to make a change and stop trying to prove that I am strong, independent and unbreakable. Because I am not. I am here to love people, to help people, and to let them in.

It is my purpose in life.

I just need to realize who the right people to let in are.... and stop blocking out anyone who comes my way.

Direction.

Life is full of choices.

Some of them are easy to make. Others throw you for a loop.

One thing I have realized is that nothing ever just happens... You choose the direction you want your life to go.

I have had to make choices that caused me to loose a few significant friendships. Caused me to cry, fall into insecurity, and doubt myself.

But at the end of the day... Each decision that I have made for myself has been the correct one. Maybe not at first. Maybe not in the specific moment. But with out a question... for ME it was right. 

I had a year were I thought I wanted something... 

I did everything I could to get it. And I did... Only to realize that it wasnt the right path for me to take.

Changing my mind cost me a lot. I did not talk to my best friend for a entire year. 

But in the end... I got to go to Europe instead and make friendships and memories with new people that to this day are some of my best friends. 

The last three (or so)... years of my life have taught me very valuable lessons about myself, life, my past and my future. The greatest one of those lessons being that I must always trust myself. 

I believe every single one of us has the ability to take a look at their life and DO what they want to do. MAKE the change they want to make. BE the person they want to be. 

 I believe that things in life happen for a reason. That being said... I also believe we each choose that reason. 

We choose if we want to listen to our best friend cry on the phone about making a stupid mistake with a boy, feeling fat, or failing an exam. We choose if we want to go travel the world. We choose if we want to invest our heart in something. 

We ALL have the ability to change our lives, ourselves, the situation.... ANYTHING. 

The problem is.... Sometimes we are at a loss on what it is that needs changing.

For myself it has been making changes in my surroundings, exploring the world... exploring myself. Trying on new identities. Figuring out what fits, what doesn't... and most importantly... WHO sicks around through all of it.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: I am NOT the easiest person to get along with nor the easiest person to be close too. 

I am ridiculously stubborn, proud, emotional, over invested, and probably slightly insane. 

However, I also will ALWAYS be there for the people who have impacted my life.

When I love you.... I love you for life. It doesn't matter if we haven't talked for a day, a month, or years.

 I will always be there for them.  I make the choice to be that type of person....

 I look at my love like a ruin. It can whether away, be chipped, and loose a lot over time and destruction.... But its foundation will never be lost. Its memory... WONT ever be lost. It wont EVER be lost.  

Right now I have to make some choices. Choices that I know will change everything.

I know that they will be difficult and that there is a huge chance that I will second guess them for a long time.

But... based on my past, present and my future-they are choices that I must make. Friendships I must let go and people I need to accept wont ever give me what I expect from them. 

As hard as it is to realize this and accept the reality of it... I know that its the correct choice for myself and for them too. I know that its impossible to keep chasing after something that was lost years ago.... and simply   hoping that things will return to "how they use to be." 

Things are different. WE are different. Everything is different. 

Its OK. Life changes... if it didn't it wouldn't be so fucking amazing, terrible, exciting, and totally mind blowing. 

So I am making the choice... The choice to continue to listen to MYSELF and do the things that I feel are right. Even if no one else sees my side of things, thinks I am crazy, or judges me. 

Because at the end the only person who determines anything in your life is YOU.

I want to keep determining my life. I have a picture in my head of my future... My family, job, friends, adventures. I know what I want to accomplish in my lifetime... I know that it might not all end up exactly how I picture it RIGHT now. I know the road wont be easy and I might change my mind a million more times. Like I just said, things change... but the most important thing I know is that  no dream and experience is ever out of my reach.

 If you want to travel.... THEN GO DO IT. stop making any excuse you can: "no money", "school", "friends", "boyfriends". None of that stuff matters. If its something that you WANT, you will find a way to do it. If you want to have true FRIENDSHIPS. Stop making excuses for ones that aren't. Stop investing in the wrong people and start figuring out who the right ones are. If you want to make a difference in the world. Go do it. Book that ticket to go help out there... and work your ass off to pay it off. 

BUT GO DO IT. 

Because you  might never get the chance again. 

Thats what I do. I just DO what I WANT to do. I wanna go to Europe? I save half my paycheck for a year so that I CAN go. I want to move to LA? I work my ass off to get into grad school....

But right now I WANT figure out something that is extremely important to me.... Its definitely throwing me for quite the loop. 

Right now I WANT to figure out who matters. What friends STICK around at the end of the day. WHO will be there to listen to my stupid ass crying on the phone about 10 extra pounds I gained.

Its proving to be a lot more difficult then I thought it would be. But I have made the choice to figure it out... and to surround myself with the people who matter.

Be that 1 or 2 people... Or a handful.

Ill tell you right now I have already learned that not very many people do. But the ones that are willing... Those are the ones that matter. 

I have made the choice to stop investing in the people who always leave, and start focusing a little more on the ones who never have.