Yes.

Forward.

Having some difficult moments lately.

Its not fun... I am stressin about my life and where I am going to be living for the next four years.

The anticipation of hearing back from graduate school is on the verge of KILLING me.

I also am reanalyzing who/what is and is not a priority in my life, and unfortunately I keep getting reminded how different my outlook on life is now.  I have been finding it more and more challenging to maintain friendship and relationship with some of my closest friends.

There are just moments I get hit with "reality" checks that make me understand that in life- there really are only a few people who you can fully trust and rely on.

I am so sick of feeling like I have to constantly have my guard up with people- even with friends.

I miss feeling opened and trusting.

Ashley Dunn really brought that out in me. I miss having someone I never ever have to doubt.

What makes me even more sad is how hard it is for me to accept that I cant have her in my daily life anymore.

I push myself away from my friends at home. And, I must admit I even push Ashley away...

Sometimes after I Skype with her, I get off of the computer and just feel empty...

 Because while I am talking to her I feel like someone really cares about me, and then with a click it just disappears.

Talking to her makes it harder. Because it reminds me of how it SHOULD feel talking to a friend.

And I just rarely feel that anymore.

Like I said in my video awhile back... It breaks my heart that people I have known for a year- care about me more then people I have know my whole life.

I just want to know what school I got into... And where I am going to be next year.

I want to find myself again.

The girl that I was in California, the girl who was confident and happy. The girl who didnt need constant reassurance from everyone else.

I go back and read my posts from last year and in them I sound like a completely different person then what I feel like right now.

I grew into my element, stepped out of my comfort zone, and built myself up from nothing to something... And in the last 9 months I have lost a majority of what I gained.

I cant wait to open that letter. And I wish with all my heart it has good news. I want to get out. I want to feel that sense of security in myself, my friends, and in life.

I want to prove to myself that I can start over, again.

Nothing felt better then proving myself wrong and everyone else wrong.

Dare.

Dare to be different.

It is kind of hard to do; especially when you grow up in a society that encourages you to do otherwise.

How easy is it to follow the norm?

I mean we all follow the same trends, watch the same shows, listen to the same music. Get it?

I spent a good portion of my life trying to be "normal".

Wanting blonde hair, skinny legs, blue eyes, friends, a nice car, cute clothes, the "right music"... Basically if EVERYONE else had it.... I wanted it.

Back then I thought that being different was the worst possible thing that could have happend to me.

Unfortunately, being the only Jewish girl with two Russian immigrants as parents didnt exactly put me into the catagory of "normal".

Sucked.

I did all that I could to make myself... fit.

Tried the blonde hair, epic fail.

Had the right clothes, oh Abercrombie... How you robbed my 13 year old savings account.

Yes even the eye color, blue contacts on a dark Jewish girl=dont try it.

How silly was I?

Different is not bad.

Different is lasting. Different makes a impression. Different is enticing.

One of the most meaningful things someone ever said to me was, "Who are you...Like really where do you come from?"

How is that meaningful?

It is when it comes after the conversation we had just finished. I can confidently say it was a conversation that changed that persons life for the better.

They were shocked that I was able to get through to them how I did. That I said what they didnt want to hear... but needed to. And for once in a long time, they felt like someone wasnt bullshitting them.

I made this person cry that night... But no they were not tears of anger or sadness, but of realization.

I dare to be different by saying what I think. Embracing who I am. Doing what I feel is right.

People always tell me they cant tell what ethnic background I come from.... I literally have gotten every country, color, and race thrown at me.

They never guess right.

How cool is that? I get to keep them guessing....

I get to be different.

Learning to embrace myself was difficult.

It took a lot of money, time, effort, bad hair/fashion choices. But I finally figured out what works. Myself works just fine.

I started to get the compliments on my clothes, when I started wearing the things that I like.

I made the "right" friends, when I began acting how I wanted to act.

I became the best I could be, when I stopped trying to be anything.

Being different made me.

Do you dare to be different?

Comfortable.

Sanj has hit a major dilemma in life.

Yes. It feels like I have slammed face first into a brick wall, and I have no idea where to go from here.

I feel so lost in my direction when it comes to ONE situation. One situation that has taken quite a huge chunk of my life.... 6 years to be exact.

You see, I usually am the person who has it all figured out for myself. I know what I want to do, where I want to live... You name it, I generally have a plan for it, and a to do list written up on how Im gonna get it.

But there has always been one thing in life that I haven't figured out... Relationships.

I havent had the most experience dating. I guess you could say im a relationship girl, as in, I tend to get into relationships and they last 8 months, 4 months, and then 6 years.

Needless to say, somehow I always find myself tied down.

I cant say the last six years have been easy... theres been some hard moments, lessons learned, tears... midnight phone calls, "im sorry" flowers. You name it.

Lately I have come to a point where I dont know where to go. The texts books are true! Love changes... Butterflies die away, passion turns to comfort, and people start taking each other for granted.

I know I do.

This journey has been difficult. We both have grown, changed, learned.... However, I have come to the point where I miss those butterflies, that passion... and cherishing each moment.

It makes me sad to know I dont have that anymore... And it makes me question which direction I should take.

Is it ok to be 20 and be so comfortable?

I dont think so... I miss love. I miss feeling. I miss fighting. I miss caring.

But where do I go from here? This wall is just in my way and I have no idea how to avoid it.

Is it worth loosing someone who means so much to me, in order to feel something again?

Will I feel something again?

I miss him. I miss how I used to feel with him... Even the bad moments. At least I actually felt something.

Now he is so perfect, and everything is so easy... so comfortable. And thats all that it is.

I remember how much I felt each time he kissed me, called me, talked to me...

I dont want to take this time for granted. I dont want to miss out on love. But I dont want to give up on something that I put so much into.

So for once... I have no plan. No direction. And im scared... because I really dont know where this is going.

All I do know is that I want more.

Clarity.

Ok here it goes again...

Writers block has been in my way for the past couple of weeks. And nothing came to me.

Until right now.... Of course in the most random moment ever. I guess thats just how things work.

Its a few days into the new year. And its been a few days of reflecting on how much things have changed... and how fast life happens, and ends.

2011 was not the easiest or best year, however... probably the most significant.

I learned a lot about myself, my family, my friends, love, pain, strength. The most important things.

Cute clothes and nice cars seem used to seem so important. So... necessary.

But 2011 taught me that the things that matter most in life dont come from a green bill... and a plastic card. They come from the touch of the people that love you. The smell of home. The feeling of confidence. The laughs shared with your true friends.

The most important people and things can not be replaced, nor forgotten.

As difficult as it was... I am so thankful that I was challenged and tested.

It was that moment in May when I said bye to Ashley and Leanna.

The day of June when I realized how I was SO much happier... When I had so much less.

August 1st... My birthday, and also the last day I saw the most amazing woman in the world... The last seconds holding her hand, hearing her voice.

Sitting in Israel and feeling like I can love someone again.

Tackling my classes and proving myself that I can achieve anything. Even if it feels like its going to push me to my limit.

Seeing LA in November and remembering every moment I spent there... Laughing, crying, learning.

Spending a December day next to my mom on a beach and realizing how special this moment is.

Seeing Leo, Ethan, Max, Vlad, and my brother. And how happy we all were to be together. Feeling the love.

Those are the moments that mattered.... The things that matter.

I hope 2012 doesn't challenge me the way this last year did. I hope its easier and better.... But I do hope I keep growing as a person. I keep remembering what and who matters, and keep fighting to become someone better.

xoxo

Sanj