Forward.

Having some difficult moments lately.

Its not fun... I am stressin about my life and where I am going to be living for the next four years.

The anticipation of hearing back from graduate school is on the verge of KILLING me.

I also am reanalyzing who/what is and is not a priority in my life, and unfortunately I keep getting reminded how different my outlook on life is now.  I have been finding it more and more challenging to maintain friendship and relationship with some of my closest friends.

There are just moments I get hit with "reality" checks that make me understand that in life- there really are only a few people who you can fully trust and rely on.

I am so sick of feeling like I have to constantly have my guard up with people- even with friends.

I miss feeling opened and trusting.

Ashley Dunn really brought that out in me. I miss having someone I never ever have to doubt.

What makes me even more sad is how hard it is for me to accept that I cant have her in my daily life anymore.

I push myself away from my friends at home. And, I must admit I even push Ashley away...

Sometimes after I Skype with her, I get off of the computer and just feel empty...

 Because while I am talking to her I feel like someone really cares about me, and then with a click it just disappears.

Talking to her makes it harder. Because it reminds me of how it SHOULD feel talking to a friend.

And I just rarely feel that anymore.

Like I said in my video awhile back... It breaks my heart that people I have known for a year- care about me more then people I have know my whole life.

I just want to know what school I got into... And where I am going to be next year.

I want to find myself again.

The girl that I was in California, the girl who was confident and happy. The girl who didnt need constant reassurance from everyone else.

I go back and read my posts from last year and in them I sound like a completely different person then what I feel like right now.

I grew into my element, stepped out of my comfort zone, and built myself up from nothing to something... And in the last 9 months I have lost a majority of what I gained.

I cant wait to open that letter. And I wish with all my heart it has good news. I want to get out. I want to feel that sense of security in myself, my friends, and in life.

I want to prove to myself that I can start over, again.

Nothing felt better then proving myself wrong and everyone else wrong.