The two L's.

Love.

Its a topic I try to avoid... not exactly the easiest subject for me to write about.

It is something that many people are afraid to talk about, write about, or hear about.

I happen to be one of those people.

For me-Love has not been a fairy tale. It has not all been beautiful. It has not been easy and effortless.

But it has been motivating. And it has taught me things that I will carry with me throughout my lifetime.

Love has made me a better person.

And a logical person too.

But the greatest lesson love has taught me is that it carrys no limits and no boundaries.

I have learned that you can fall in love with anything from a person, animal, concept, sport, place, idea, and even yourself (Narcissus the Greek man who fell in love with his own reflection and turned into a flower: Greek mythology).

Love is something that is universal. It has no definite definition or requirement... It can be felt and expressed in MILLIONS of different ways.

I personally have felt love in all sorts of ways.

I have felt love for a man, family, country, city, food, moment, stranger, song, movie, friend... the list is endless.

But something came across me today... The greatest love I have EVER felt was love for LIFE.

It really hit me today how lucky I am to have been blessed with the beauty of being alive, healthy, and happy...

Every single opportunity lies in front of me. Every breathe I take... can be taken away in a moment.

I LOVE the fact that life is so precious. So unpredictable. And the fact that I somehow got lucky enough to experience it.

Something else I learned about love is that it is not always fair.

We can fall in love with someone who will never love us back. We can get hurt, and feel broken...

Life is the same exact way.

Sometimes things happen-and there is NO explanation to why... it doesn't seem fair or logical.

Why do kids have to starve?
When celebs are spending 5000 on a pair of shoes.

Why did a pregnant woman have to die in a car crash?
When a teenager decided to get behind the wheel while drunk.

Why did a 21 year old girl get cancer and die?
When every other 21 year old is out there thinking they are invincible.

Why did a 14 year old kill himself?
When everyone else thought it was funny to make fun of him.

Life; just like love... is unexplainable.

A lot of people avoid talking, writing, and hearing about life.

Just like love.

It hit me how crazy it is... how connected and similar they are.

And it really made me realize just how deep my LOVE of life runs.

I love my life enough to want to make it MATTER. To make a difference that SOMEHOW will help answers all of those questions...  that do not make senese or seem fair.

Yes, talking and writing about love is difficult for me. But writing about life seems to come easy.

I just never really realized that love plays into life... and that love doesn't have to be about any ONE person.

It can be about anything.

The Final Chapter.

Its crazy how putting a pen to paper can change the world.

I just finished watching the last Harry Potter movie... and it really got me thinking.

One woman, sitting in a cafe in England....simply put a pen on a napkin... and created something that changed the lives of millions of people in the world.

She created a story, a world, people, friendships, love, war, hate, pain, courage, with nothing more then words scattered on a page.

It made me realize how beautiful writing and imagination are...That people have the ability to think of stories like this one; to create whole new worlds where ANYTHING is possible.

How CRAZY is that?

One woman. One mind. One thought. One pen.

Started ALL of this...

Brought millions of children into a magical world that they could get lost in for a few hours, billions of dollars into the box office, created an entire theme park, and most importantly touched and entire generation... and many more to come.

How INCREDIBLE is that?

Tonight I felt so many things as I was watching the last minutes of the final movie. I felt happy, sad, scared, old... and young.

I had grown up with these characters. Spent hours and hours reading and re-reading each one of the books. Watched each movie countless numbers of times... and dreamed about the day I get to go to Florida and go to HARRY POTTER world.

All of my childhood, all of those moments I was lost in this fantasy world... trickled down to this moment... the LAST of something that I had LOVED so much. Something that had brought me so much comfort, beauty, enjoyment.

And as I was feeling all of these things (over a movie). It really struck me that JK ROWLING had changed my life... she had touched my life with her amazing imagination. She had made me fall in love with people that didn't and WONT ever exist.... All just by writing down something that she had created in her mind.

How beautiful is that?

She did this for millions of people in the world.
Her words touched the lives of nearly EVERY single person in our generation.
Her thoughts and imagination.... have created something that will NEVER die... long after she does.

It really makes you take a moment and think... what your own words can do, and what your own mind can create.

Because remember.... before she was JK. ROWLING the writer of one of the most influential books in the world- she was just like any of us.

A struggling single mother, with no money, a shitty job, trying to make do for her kids....


Sitting in a cafe; scribbling on a old napkin.

Isnt it amazing what a pen and a paper can do?

Perspective.

I have been having a inner struggle the last few months. Ever since moving home I have felt a range of emotions from the highest of highs.... to the lowest of lows.

There are days when I miss my life in California SO much that it literally hurts.

I miss coming home to Ashley every night and telling her every single thing about my day and being excited to hear about hers.

I miss calling Leanna and making her go to the gym with me and then grabbing dinner at Panera.

I miss Danny and his Ed Hardy t-shirts....saying super inappropriate things.

I miss going to New Port and always feeling welcomed and loved by Carly, Lisa, Christan and Steven.

Its been really hard for me to come back and realize how much I have changed, and how hard it is for me now to relate to some of my BEST friends.

Its hard for me to sit with them and talk about marriage and planning a wedding. When I am looking forward to turning 21 and partying my butt off.

Its hard for me to to want to do something and not know who to call.

Its hard when something stupid happens and I want to tell someone before I go to bed..... But I cant.

Its hard to come home every single day and see my family falling apart because my grandma has cancer.

Its hard to realize that I feel like I cant relate to the people I love the most.

But the last week has brought me many lessons.

A beautiful young girl named Kristen passed away this week. I had met Kristen over my last year in California on a trip to New Port.

She was best friends with Lisa and Carly.

She seemed happy, healthy, strong, and was beyond beautiful. We went to dinner and we laughed and talked. I never would have even guessed that she was fighting for her life.

Her attitude, her personality, her passion. LIFE was shinning in her eyes.
That night I overheard her mention that she was starting treatment in a week....

I couldn't believe it.

It hit me in the stomach. I never would have guessed that this beautiful 21 year old girl that I had been spending the night with was suffering from a rare and deadly form of cancer.

I never would have guessed... because of how strong and positive she was. She did not want people to feel sorry for her, or to treat her different. She didn't want pity or tears. She wanted to be treated like nothing was wrong... Like her life wasn't in danger of ending.

Kristen had the most AMAZING attitude I had ever seen. Even though I only got to spend that one night with her... I can honestly say that one night changed my life.

Seeing her fight, be strong, and maintain that amazing perspective and attitude, even though she was going through something SO much harder then just "moving home" to Utah... was truly inspiring.

She taught me that no matter how hard, hopeless, alone, or devastating a situation is.... Your attitude about it matters more then anything else.

If you have hope. If you have love. If you have peace. If you have strenght.

NO situation can tear you off of your feet.

So thank you Kristen.  Thank you for coming into my life for that one night.... and showing me something that will change my life forever.

I am no longer going to sit here and dwell on wanting "what I used to have", I am going to go out there and change what I have at this very moment.

I am going to find a way to relate to everyone.

I am going to find someone to tell my stupid stories to.

I am going to start calling ANYONE and EVERYONE until I find something to do.

And most of all, I am not going to dwell in my own sorrows.

Thank you Kristen for teaching me to live my life as a little bit better of a person and giving me a broader perspective

You touched people in ways that you did not even know.

REST IN PEACE.