Give Thanks.

Thanksgiving is a day to take a moment and appreciate all that we have been blessed with in our lives.

I have been fortunate enough to have an amazing family that pushes me to challenge myself and never settle for less then I believe I deserve.

They have given me endless opportunities by helping do incredible things like travel the world, move to California, figure skate.

There was never a door that was shut to me... My mom and dad have worked hard to make sure that I am never denied the chance to learn, grow, and capture all that I can.

My dad works very hard in order to provide me with all of the things that I have, and I am so thankful for that. He leaves for work at 7 am and comes home at 6:30 and then goes upstairs and works more. Sometimes I forget how much he does in order to ensure that his family is taken care of. I hope he realizes that we all are so appreciative for what he does for us.

My mom pushes me every single day to reach beyond my limits and put my best foot forward. With out her persistence I would have missed many valuable life changing lessons. She is the strongest woman that I know. She has shown me that if you stick to something that you will get results, and that no matter how difficult a situation is that you must be strong through it.

My grandma Zoya, even though she is not here anymore, she has made me strive to be better. Not one person can say a bad thing about her. I want to become the type of woman that she was. I feel her love for me every single day. Each time I look at a picture of her my heart yearns for her. I miss her laugh, her cooking, her hand, her smile... I miss everything. But I am working to keep her alive through myself... and live my life the way that she lived hers. Loving other people more then she loved herself.

My friends also provide me with such incredible support and love, that sometimes I dont feel like I deserve it.

There have been a few people that have changed my perspective on life SO much and made me into such a better person.

Sadly, some of them live too far away from me now and I miss their presence in my life EVERY single day.

Ashley Dunn, she has been the most inspiring person I have ever had in my life. Last year she became like a older sister to me. She has shown me what someone can achieve on their own if they work hard enough. Watching how much she has done in her life... and how much respect, beauty, and love other people see in her is absolutely incredible. She is my role model, my best friend, part of my family, and someone that has affected me in such a way... that NO one else will ever understand.

Leanna Marshall, this girl is the most kind, motivated, loving, caring person I have ever met. She can carry on a conversation with anyone about anything. From her I learned to be a more accepting and open person. Our friendship grew so fast, and became one of the strongest that I have ever had. She stood next to me and grew with me throughout last year. Each day I think about the time we spent together and how much fun I had with her every single time I was around her.

Lisa, Carly, Steven, Even though I dont get to see them as often as I should, I know that they will always be friends to me. Meeting Lisa and Carly in Europe changed my entire life. I was so lucky to meet people that are so open minded, welcoming, and loyal to their friends. Each time that I am around them and Steven I feel like I have known them for years, and our friendship has lasted longer then it really has. I miss them all of the time and I cant wait to live near them.... I know we have many years of friendship ahead of us, and many crazy adventures.

Alex Ray, he has been the most important boy in my life. For 8 years he has been my best friend, my first love, my everything. We had a very rough patch in our relationship and we both hurt each other a lot... but the past two years he has done everything in his power to make sure that I am happy and show me how much he loves me. Sometimes I take the things that he does for me for granted... He has provided me with the biggest, hardest, and most meaningful lessons in life. He has become a part of who I am, and I love him in every way that a person can love someone.

Angie Fishler, she has been in my life the longest out of any of my friends. We had so many first experiences together that I cant even think of. We have laughed till tears, cried, fought, made up, thrown up... you NAME it. We have done it. She has been the most consistent person in my life and her motivation, her intelligence, and her drive make her such a inspiration to me. She is the smartest most motivated person that I know... and she is going to do incredible things with her life.

Kelly SaBey, she is the strongest, most thick-skinned. motived, persistent women I have ever met. Sometimes when I am talking to her I don't understand what she is saying because she has such an complex vocabulary. Kelly has shown me how much respect people have for you if you are educated and you speak your mind. I have learned so much from her in a short period of time. Even though she has such a strong and outspoken personality she is also one of the most giving people I have ever met. She will help you in any way possible with out expecting anything in return. I look up to her so much and wish that I can someday hold the presence that she does in a room.

Aubri, Rachel, Kylee, Becca, These girls have been my best friends since 8th grade. We had so many times together driving around in Ky's truck with the windows rolled down bumpin country music beats and singing our lungs out. I have experienced the true depth of friendship with all of these girls. They have seen me at my worst, my best, and in between. With out them I wouldnt be who I am. I am so thankful for each of them and all that I have learned from them

Rachel, Joey, Ashley  My loves that I met in Israel this Aug. I cant even describe to you how fast we all became best friends. It feel like I have known them my entire life. Each one of them is so amazing, I dont even know where to start. Joey is one of the kindness, giving, loving, cuddly people I have ever met. I never heard her say a bad thing about ANYONE. She always looks for the best in people... and gives people her best. Rachel is one of the most down to earth, real, and honest people in my life. I could talk to her about anything after a few days of knowing her. When I found out my grandma died I wanted her next to me. I know she is going to be one of my closest friends for the rest of my life. Ashley is the most open, funny, enthusiastic people I have ever met. She is so funny, talkative, and caring. I feel like she cares about me and my friendship more then some people who I have know for my entire life. I miss her and her beautiful curly hair and bubbly personality, I cant wait to see all of them again.


I am thankful. I am happy. I am blessed.

Bigger Picture.

"If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours... If they don't, they never were."

I walked away. He walked away. 

But somehow we always find our way back to each other. 

Sometimes its scares me...

We have been through so much together. Nothing has been able to tear us apart. 

Both of us have hurt each other, both of us have turned our backs, both of us have fought for love, and both of us have felt its power. 

He is my best friend, my first love, my everything....

But sometimes I worry that we hold each other back. Sometimes I question things. Sometimes I think about  what else my life has in store for me.

Will he always be there? 

If not... Will I be ok? Will he? 

Can I love someone else? Can he love someone else? What would that feel like? 

Questions... Unanswered. Thoughts...  Often consume me. 

What direction do I want my life to go? 

I wonder and fear the answers to these questions. 

Love like this is rare. The passion, the pain, the roller coster ride that we have made it through... It was the hardest but most rewarding relationship I will ever have.

I never questioned it.... Until I moved away. 

Leaving opened up my eyes to how much more life has in store for me..for him. 

Life threw me into situations were I began to see the bigger picture of things. Love isn't always enough. 

We need to grow up. We need to learn. We need to live.

And it has to happen separately

If it is supposed to be, it will be.

I would rather live my life never having to ask the question "what if"... 

And sometimes I find myself wondering "what if"...

I met him later on in life?

We didn't come back to each other one time?

I lost him?

I end up bitter? 

Its just security?

I don't know sometimes.... 

But I do know I loved him in a way I won't ever love anyone else. I know I mean the world to him.... 

I know I won't ever forget him, stop loving him, or have what we have ever again.  

I also know that we both need to grow and find our direction in life with out each other.... And hope that in the end our paths lead us back. 

No more questions. Just answers. 

The first one.... 

I love you. 

Charlie.

 With all of the negative things that have happened to my family this past year... We needed some light in our lives. Charlie has provided us with something positive too look forward too every day after school and work... He represents the innocence that we lost this year. He is bringing us closer together and making us back into a family again. For the first time in a long time I feel like things between us are going back to normal. 

Its true... Dogs really are mans best friend. 

Trouble with me is.

Holding on,

I tend to do it quite often...

relationships, friendships, forgiveness, anger, hurt, love, and disagreement... I have trouble letting things go.

WHY do I still spend nearly every single night in tears before I go to sleep crying... wishing my grandma was still here?

Most people would have found closure.

WHY do I still hold onto the moments I spent with my old friends... Even though they have made no effort to be in my life?

Most people would never even give them a second thought.

WHY do I obsess over someone, when they clearly dont care about me?

Most people would not waste their time.

WHY cant I trust the people that have hurt me, even though they have proved they have changed?

Most people know how to forget.

WHY is it so hard for me to walk away from a fight?

Most people dont believe it is worth the cost.

I realized something very important about myself...

I care about things much more then most people do, it is harder for me to let go of little things. When I fall for someone-I fall hard, when I say that "I love you" I mean it. My friends mean the world to me, and I am very bad at accepting things.

Some of these things are good... some are bad.

However, each one of these characteristics shapes me into the person that I am.

It is VERY hard for me to open up.

 I fall hard... But, I do not fall easy.

There have only been a small number of people in my life that have made HUGE impacts on me.

Some of them in a positive way, some in a negative way...

Either way... I finally have learned to accept this about myself.

I might be considered a "drama queen", "bitch",  "grudge holder".... etc.

But, at least I give a fuck.

At least I care enough about life, people, and things to really FEEL something.

Sometimes, I stand in my own way, and sometimes my emotions get ahead of me....

Yes... I hold on to things, I can be dramatic, I care way too much, I fight even if there is no point in fighting.

But, I wont ever walk away from the people I love... I wont ever give up, I will always be there, and I will always care....

Its hard to find this in people these days,

For the first time in my life... I am proud of myself for being who I am.

Yes. I give a shit... and yes I am a emotional, dramatic, opinionated, honest, loving, caring, bitch that will always love you and will always be there for you... Even if I secretly am still mad at you for something you did three years ago.

And I am proud of it.