Life is one crazy, beautiful, difficult, journey.
Right now I feel like I have this perfect mess infront of me.
Everything is going exactly how I wanted it too. I love my job, school, the people in my life... I figured out who I am, what I want and the people whom matter.
From the outsiders eye and in my head I feel like I am on right track.
The right track for ME.
However, life brings others into your journey. The choices that you make end up affecting them... hurting, changing, enlightening them. No matter what- the actions and decisions you make cause a chain of events.
So here I am.
For the first time in my life- confident and secure in MY own SKIN. I know I am doing what is best for ME.
Yet, I feel a weight on my shoulders because I am affecting the lives of other people. People who care about me more then I could imagine. People who love ME in the way that MILLIONS are searching for....
People who I have the capacity to completely crush- by one selfish move.
That pressure is overwhelming.
I am torn between realizing what I want and NEED in my life. Doing what is best for me- and letting go of things that I possibly might never get again... Or settling for something I know isn't what I invision of my life- but being comfortable and satisfied.
Which do I choose?
Everything is laid out for me on a silver platter. The ball is in MY court. Everything has turned out better then I could have asked for- and somehow I still feel unsatisfied.
My head and my heart are in a constant battle. They have been since I was 15 and discovered for the first time what LOVE truly feels like.
Always... I would choose to be unselfish. Things ended up never working out. I would constantly be giving more then I was getting. The people I cared about would always leave.
The ONE time I decided to do something for MYSELF- I imediately saw the benefit. I realized I can control the outcome of my life. The people I surround myself with and be who EVER I wanted to be.
I became selfish. Things worked out a lot better for me. I love myself and that confidence attracted the right people to me.
However, now I am faced with the inevitable realization that my actions and decisions affect the lives of others- and I can honestly say I dont know what to do....
I can be selfish... Keep getting what I need. But never being able to give what the other person needs... or I can be unselfish and walk away.
Crush them- but save them from myself in the long run....
Because I know me. I know I wont settle and that "good" wont ever be good enough.
I want more. I want to travel, learn, grow, live in different places. I want to be free.
My personality doesnt let me settle. It drives me insane when I am not challenged or when I know I am capable of more.
But what happens to those people that I surround myself with?
The good ones... The ones that love me. The ones that give me everything....
When I become unsatisfied and leave.
Because I do...
Two very important people said something very significant to me.
The first one:
"You are an guardian angel- but you are an angel that comes... but isnt ment to stay forever. You come and you show people the things that they never realized about themselves and then you leave them on the path to becoming better"
The second:
"You are like the sun... You come and you go. Warm things up.... but also have the capability to burn them"
I know this about myself.
I always knew I was different- I never was "popular" or "pretty" in my life. I felt like an outcast. Never understanding myself fully- but always knowing that I was capable of more. That I was ment to affect others in ways that few people understand....
Thats why I chose to be a therapist. I KNOW ill change the lives of people- Its what I am ment to do. Maybe not every single client that walks through my door. But knowing that I changed the life of at least ONE is enough....
And thats how it is in my personal life too. Not many people "understand me" or are affected by me...
But I know that the few people I do affect- I affect them in a real, powerful, unexplainable way.
That scares me. It puts me in a bind. Pressures me... because I dont want to hurt them. Ever.
I cant walk way and be selfish with those people- and it ends up screwing me in the end.
So... What do I do? Listen to my heart or my head?
Is there ever an answer to that question?
Love.
