Yes, it must be confusing for people to see pictures of me and Alex after so long and so much has happened, seeming like we are back together.
I get it. I want to make it clear that despite everything I have learned in this past year- separate from Alex the one thing that has remained consistent throughout this journey is the fact that Alex brings a internal peace, comfort and warmth to me that no one else does.
I know now after a year of being apart that I can be happy, find someone who loves me, and be completely content on my own. I know I dont need anyone else to make me happy.
I also know the difference between loving someone and liking someone. I know the difference between caring so much about a person that you fall apart and being indifferent. I know the difference between fighting like crazy- but not changing one moment of it because the fight is worth it with that person and giving up. I saw first hand the difference that Alex Ray brings to me. He brings me back down to earth and reminds me that life isn't all about school and work.
He forces me on a mini adventures every time I see him. Makes me try new things and appreciate little moment. He makes me wind down and remember that life is not just about success and stability. He brings out the kid in me.
I cant explain to anyone how scary it is to fall in love with someone at the age of 15. But thats what happened with us. We fell in love before we even knew what love was. It was scary and it caused us to do a lot of hurtful things to each other... People dont understand how difficult it was not have a normal experience of dating around, being selfish, not having to worry about hurting or loosing someone else at such a young age.
For a long time I felt bitter, scared, and denied because I didn't get to do those things. My heart was stuck on one person and I couldn't do anything about it. We both always ended up right back where we started. As hard as I tried to give other people a chance and move forward no one ever compared.
No one still does.
One thing that I realized is that I wouldnt change all of those moments in the past. Not one thing that happened between him and I. The happy times and the lowest times. Alex and I went through everything together. He is my first in nearly all of the most significant parts of my life. I realized that I learned more from loving him then I would have learned from dating a bunch of random boys all of those years. I realized that because of all those trials we went through together him and I have a bond that no one will ever beat, replace or fully understand.
I also realized how much more significant my life is when he is with me. When I look back at my childhood, adolescence and the past few years Alex has been part of the most important moments. I cant picture moments like that without him there.... They wouldnt be the same.
So the answer to the question.. "What is my relationship status?"
There is no answer to that. Alex and I still both have a lot of growing up to do. We both still have dreams and goals to achieve. We both have seperate lives in different cities. We both are chasing our dreams. I also know that we are doing these things because of each other.... If we hadnt fallen in love at 15. Everything in both of our lives would be completely different. I can honestly say I would probably be a lot worse of a person if I didnt have him in my life.
I would never ask Alex to give up his dreams for me. I want for him and always have wanted him to do something more with his life. I always saw his potential. Even in the most difficult of times when it would have been easy to look at the bad and walk away.... I didnt because I knew the person he is inside. I knew his intelligence, kindness, and his child like outlook would one day do something amazing. I couldn't be prouder of him for letting me go despite being hurt, moving to San Francisco and pursuing something that he loves.
Right now is not the right time for us to be in a relationship. We both have so much going on in our lives and so much to still figure out and learn. Yet I want to make it clear that love doesnt change or go away. I cant picture going through more significant moments in my life and not having him be apart of it. I cant picture a time when he isnt the most important person to me. Because it wont ever happen... With that I leave the book unfinished and wonder how this our story will unfold.
