Sometimes my past seems like a movie that I replay in my head. A movie about someone else.
I remember high school and being 16... Not knowing that there was so much more out there for me beyond those brick hallways of Brighton High.
Crying over comments that people made of me being "fat", watching the popular kids who all seemed so perfect stand on the "senior ramp" and claim their status, wondering why I couldn't be friends with them and trying to figure out what was "wrong with me". Crying over my heart being broken. Questioning who my real friends where.
Having absolutely no way of knowing that none of this stuff would matter down the road.
Looking back on those years of my life is difficult because it is the exact opposite of who I identify with today. I cant believe the narrowness of my thinking and the time I wasted caught up in insignificant worries about people who didn't matter.
Fortunately, I recognize the blessing hidden in those years as well.
Walking out of High School I felt like I was on a mission.
A mission to prove myself to "everyone". I was determined to become successful, travel, loose weight, and become someone. I wasn't going to let myself be the girl that was remembered as crying over her high school boyfriend on the hallway floor.
I set goals and made sure that I reached them. Travelled, got good grades, moved out of state, lost weight, got into graduate school, found an amazing "niche" for myself.
However, I did not recognize that on my journey to prove something to everyone else... In reality, it was leading me to realize that the only person I needed to prove something too was MYSELF.
At the end of the day I had accomplished everything I set out to do.
Yet, whenever I would find myself back in Utah and run into those same people. I was reminded of the person I used to be- I seemed to do a 360 and end up right back where I started.
Seeing them made me feel belittled... Like everything I thought I had accomplished didn't matter. That in their eyes I will always be that 16 year old mess of a girl.
This past year has really helped me recognize that those times in my life-as hard as the where... allowed me to realize at a young age EXACTLY who I didn't want to be.
I hit rock bottom back then.
Honestly, I still think about that time period in my life and it STILL hurts me. People don't realize just how much those few years affected me, and probably always will.
It wasn't about the fact that I wasn't "cool".
It was, however, about the fact that I had absolutely not sense of self-worth to pull myself off the ground at that time.
The blessing in all of it is the fact that I never will allow myself to become that way again.
I have developed a identity that allows me to recognize: I can loose all the weight that I want, become friends with all of the "right people", and be the person on the "winning" side of all of my relationships.
But, NONE of those things will ever give my life meaning, depth or beauty.
Because I wasn't always on top, there is more motivation in me too never be on the bottom again.
I also am able to understand sometimes the greatest things in life come from the worst of situations.
I am thankful for that lost girl. If I never experienced being her; I wouldn't have had the experiences that created me into who I am today. I am thankful to have the motivation to better myself. Most importantly I am thankful that I realized that I didn't need to do it for anyone other then for myself.
To those lost girls out there. 16, 17, 18 or any age... Remember, you have the ability to rise up. Do what you want. Defy yourself. Become anything or anyone you want to be.
You only are at the loosing end if you feel like thats what you deserve.
Here are a few pics with some of the amazing people that have come into my life:
