I am human.
I have wounds. Wounds that cut deep. Deeper then many people know.
Feelings of being inadequate... Never enough. Ever. No matter what I do or how much I try.
All I ever wanted was to hear you say "good job" or "I am so proud of you."
Thats it.
For me it feels like I go back and remember all the flaws. You pointing out that "she did that better" or "why arent your grades as good as hers."
Now you say that these things didnt happen. That I conjure this up in my head. Just cut me deeper- because it feels like I am crazy and made it all up.
No one knows. Under all of the make up, clothes, and organization. There is just me- crying out.
Accept me. Say I am enough.
It never is. No matter what.
The image is so easy to hold up: little does everyone know its all an act.
The little girl inside of me... She just wants to prove you wrong.
Thats all it is. Thats all its ever been.
I dont hear the good. All I listen to is the bad.
People dont see me. Isnt that so sad?
Every time it happens its just another stab.
You never understand.
I try to tell you how bad it hurts me- but it doesnt change the past.
That little girl... She feel so bad.
She learned how to put on a really good act.
It fools everyone.
Even herself- until things become hard and she doesnt know how to act.
Because she doesnt feel good enough to make it through; she doesnt think she can.
Why dont you hear me? I keep trying to get you to react.
One time. Just once I want to hear that I am enough- even if I fall down, even if I fail, cant you just tell me that you are proud?
I hate pretending.
Its hard to always be pretending.
Especially for so long.
