Not Enough.

I am human.

I have wounds. Wounds that cut deep. Deeper then many people know.

Feelings of being inadequate... Never enough. Ever. No matter what I do or how much I try.

All I ever wanted was to hear you say "good job" or "I am so proud of you."

Thats it.

For me it feels like I go back and remember all the flaws. You pointing out that "she did that better" or "why arent your grades as good as hers."

Now you say that these things didnt happen. That I conjure this up in my head. Just cut me deeper- because it feels like I am crazy and made it all up.

No one knows. Under all of the make up, clothes, and organization. There is just me- crying out.

Accept me. Say I am enough.

It never is. No matter what.

The image is so easy to hold up: little does everyone know its all an act.

The little girl inside of me... She just wants to prove you wrong.

Thats all it is. Thats all its ever been.

I dont hear the good. All I listen to is the bad.

People dont see me. Isnt that so sad?

Every time it happens its just another stab.

You never understand.

I try to tell you how bad it hurts me- but it doesnt change the past.

That little girl... She feel so bad.

She learned how to put on a really good act.

It fools everyone.

Even herself- until things become hard and she doesnt know how to act.

Because she doesnt feel good enough to make it through; she doesnt think she can.

Why dont you hear me? I keep trying to get you to react.

One time. Just once I want to hear that I am enough- even if I fall down, even if I fail,  cant you just tell me that you are proud?

I hate pretending.

Its hard to always be pretending.

Especially for so long.

Personal Mission Statement

Before this semester started I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would be strong and do whatever I had to in order to ensure that my grades, relationships and health would not be affected. Unfortunately, I did not plan on so many changes happening in my life at once.

The last few months have been like a hurricane for me. It hit me that life seems to do that- it throws in every single change at once. Tests you. Challenges you. Pushes you.

Looking back on my life helps me make sense of things. Good and bad. There have been times like this for me before, times when I didnt know what was going to happen. Feeling out of control. Uncertainty chasing me.

Moments that I now make meaning of, in the past seemed so unclear. My grandma getting diagnosised with brain cancer. My moms heart and health problems.  My dad loosing his job. Ashley moving away from me. My brother and nephews being so far away. The roller coaster that Alex and I have been on together. Loosing my friendship with Angie.

Some of these things I still dont understand fully. Yet, I am thankful that each one happened to me because in those moments I was the most vunerable, real, and alive version of myself.

Those moments made all the good ones THAT much better for me. Those moments define my life and remind me that I cant ever give up.

I remember sitting in my room and crying. Crying because I didnt know why this was happening to me, feeling alone, scared, uncertain. It comes right into my mind- the picture of me surrounded by nothing but questions.

Questions that have been answered by experiences in my life when I remember who I am and WHY I am here. Times when I am with the people I love most. Traveling. Eating my favorite food. Laughing. Helping. Growing. Living. Being.

Right now, I need to fight through this. Everything that has happened in my life has lead me in the direction that I am supposed to go... The hardest times have made the best times THAT much better. They have reminded me of my power and my strength. They have taught me that I can make it through anything and in the end; I might not have the answer. I might NEVER get the answer. But, I will still be OK.

I wrote this prior to this semester to help remind myself what I stand for and the type of person that I want to be. The principles that I want to live my life by. I wrote this to remind myself of my own personal power and agency. I am choosing to share this with you for the purpose of reminding myself to keep living my life as the best version of myself and to possibly help others take the time to think about their principles. What do you want to leave behind? What do you stand for? What do you want? How do you want to present yourself in this world?

These questions also sometimes cant be answered. Yet, it is better to ask then to ignore them...  Sometimes we forget the bigger picture.

Here is my personal mission statement and the principles that I feel are important for me to live by:

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Personal Mission Statement

My mission is to live my life as the best version of myself and make a lasting impact on the people around me.

To fulfill this mission:

I will be honest: No matter how difficult or uncomfortable the situation is; I will be honest about my feelings, opinions, and perspective. I will explain my reasoning and listen openly to understand another perspective. I will not lie or agree with something that I do not feel is right. I will listen with a purpose of understanding another person’s outlook and will clarify with them if I do not understand something.

I will sacrifice: I will devote time and effort toward living my life in a way that involves principles that I find important. I will ensure that no matter how stressful, time crunched, or unmanageable things become I am able to make time for a moment to collect myself and remember my mission and purpose in life. I will take time to remember why I have chosen this particular path in my life and remind myself of all the blessings that I have.

I will inspire: I will become the best version of myself and hope that my friends, partners, colleagues, and clients can experience all that I have to offer as a person. I will teach by example and never loose my ability to remain calm and collected. I will always put my best forward in work, relationships, and all other important aspects of my life.

I will be impactful: I will make a difference in the lives of my family, friends, and clients. I will do something for each meaningful person in my life that will express how much that they matter to me. I will be the best friend, daughter, lover, sister, and therapist that I can be.  I will be there for the people that I love when they need me.

I will be responsible: I will always follow through with commitments that I make to my friends, family, and career. I will arrive on time for all of my scheduled appointments; answer and return phone calls, and time manage my priorities. I will make sure that I follow up with all of my clients and provide them with a stable and trust-worthy relationship. I will remember important dates in the lives of my family and friends and remember to congratulate them. I will learn how to manage my money and spend only 25% of what I make. I will save my money for experiences and travel rather then material things.

I will make time: I will make time for self-care activities, friends, and family. I will work out at least 4 times a week, no matter how busy my schedule becomes. I will make it a priority to eating healthy and in moderation this will be important in maintaining a healthy and comfortable weight.  I will read my personal mission statement often. I will write my thoughts down when I am struggling with something or cannot find clarity. I will update my blog at least one time a month and allow myself to free associate.

Individual

Daughter

Lover

Sister

Friend

Student

Therapist

   

Tunnel

I am worn out. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now it feels like there is no fuel in the engine and I am forcing it to start anyway.

Going into this semester I knew it would be a challenge juggling all of the responsibilities between school, interning, and work. However, I didn't expect for it to affect so many different areas of my life.

Knowing that I would be running place to place on no sleep seemed so far away just a few months ago. Now my days are all blending together and suddenly I am already three months in and I have no idea what has happened in the world around me during that time.

Don't get me wrong... I love what I am doing. I love actually being able to work with people and finally be able to make a difference in their lives. Right now, I think the fact that I am helping others go through sometime difficult is the only thing keeping me going...

Knowing that if I give up... I might be taking away that child's only opportunity to feel heard or cared about by someone for the first time. Showing them that when things get hard they have to fight through it.

Thats what keeps me going.

Literally, my day begins at 6:30 am and doesn't stop until 12:30 am- and somehow I still feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to get done.

It's like living in a tunnel in which there is not sense of time or reality. Its just constant go, go, go. To do list after to do list.

The hardest part for me is that I feel like I am loosing the ability to appreciate it. Appreciate the fact that I finally made it to the place I have worked so hard for. It blows my mind that it has become so difficult for me to take a moment and realize what is happening RIGHT now in my life...

Fulfilling my purpose. Helping others. Providing guidance. Making a difference. Doing something that I love. Making meaning out of my life and time here. Learning and growing. Healing.

Yet, it feels like there is so little time to appreciate it to be fully present in it. I am so caught up it the maintenance and "should" of every moment that I am unable to take a moment and just reflect on the beauty and meaning that this type of work brings into my life.

I hope with all of my heart that I soon settle into this new routine and am able to remember these precious moments of my life. The first moments of me doing exactly what I love and was meant to do... The first clients that find hope, empowerment and change their lives. My own growth and change as I hear stories that humble me and remind me of the darkness in the world.

I worked so hard to get to this place and it feels so surreal that it is flying by and I am not able to process what is going on inside of myself during this process.

The saying "nothing good every comes easy" keeps popping into my head and reminding me that I need to push myself forward. I need to read. I need to write. I need to do the paperwork.

It all goes together into making me the type of therapist and person that I want to be. Providing me with experience to have a good work ethic and provide the best service I can for the people I will work with throughout my career.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it. It seems unreachable right at this moment... Probably because I dont even know what day it is or actually what month I am in.

Yet, something inside of my wont let myself give up. It wont let the anxiety and lack of sleep win. Because I am stronger then that. I want this more then that. Most importantly, this isnt something that I cant handle.

Its important for me to keep on fighting and push through this next year and a half. Trying my best to not get caught up in the wrong things and never letting myself get resentful that this has become the reality of my life because of the path that I choose.

Knowing that it will end. Graduate school will be over and I will make it through it alive... Hopefully having enough energy to at least walk across the stage and get the piece of paper that I need in order to keep making a difference.

I end here with a quote that reminds me what all of this is for and a few pictures of the last few months:


"I don’t make things for a living. I live for a living. I am myself for a living. I seek beauty for a living. I think and contemplate for a living. I experience for a living. Seems so easy and obvious to me, and yet there is no term for it. In our society, it seems, you have to be defined by your job title. When meeting new people I can usually count on “what do you do?” being one of their first questions as they form their perception of me. To date I believe I never repeated the same answer, nor do I feel I have given one that was readily understood. I do what I once thought was impossible and, I suspect, in most people’s minds still is.

When I try to explain, I am almost always met with skepticism. Can you make a living doing that? Well, yes. You won’t see me featured in Fortune or Forbes any time soon but when I add up my monetary income to the intangible joys of a free and inspired life, I consider myself richer than most of those who are. Livelihood may be measured in dollars and cents. Life is measured in degrees of freedom. Living is measured in meaningful experiences. Yes, I make a very good living.”

Processing.

 

It has been a while since I have had the urge to write a blog. For me. writing is something that I only do when I get the natural urge... When something suddenly dawns on me and I feel like it is inevitable to share it with someone.

 

I have noticed that in moments of my life when I feel like I am growing, learning, discovering, and happy I seem to write more often. I know I am not the best at spelling and grammar- forget about it. Yet, something about putting my thoughts down on paper or on the screen in front of me gives me clarity in a way that I cant even begin to explain.

 

The last few months have been difficult for me. I went from processing my life, emotions, and self nearly every day too almost not at all. During Spring and Fall semester of my graduate school program each day I was either in personal therapy, practicum, or mentoring. I was learning so much about myself and growing. With summer semester all of that stopped.

 

I think it took some time for me to realize how much just talking about your feelings and having others understand and listen to you really does for people. Including myself. Yes, I am in training to be a therapist and you would think out of everyone that I would understand how much just feeling validated can do for you.

 

Honestly, I don't think I realized it until just recently.

 

These past few months I have felt myself take a few steps back from the place I had gotten to in this past year. I found myself overthinking things with my friends, relationships, life, career. Change became overwhelming and scary. I found myself feeling very isolated and pulling back from some of my closest friends.

 

I didn't really know was happening, until I began my internship and we began processing again. I suddenly found myself getting anxious when it came my turn to share my emotions with the group.

 

 Intellectualizing everything once again seemed much easier then talking about feelings. Talking about how isolated from my classmates I have felt since summer began and how I have contributed too that by opting out of hanging out with them, loosing my roommates because of situations that were out of my control, missing my family, beginning a crazy schedule and a career that actually puts me in a position of responsibility for another human beings life and well being... Talking about any of the emotions surrounding all these things seemed a lot harder then becoming introverted and focusing on the facts:

 

Friendships change overtime and maybe this is just normal. People move on- so why should I put in effort if they don't? Roommates will always come and go- so get over it and deal. You are on adult now- it is normal not living in the same place as your parents. You picked this career and crazy schedule- suck it up and deal with it.

 

It is so much easier too look at it from an intellectual perspective. Why feel when you can think?

 

As I sat in the chair during my group supervision process time and listened as the fellow interns shared their emotions.... I realized how much I have pent up in the past few months. I went from processing everything daily and then suddenly completely stopped.

 

I hadn't even let myself feel the emotion surrounding any of these things... because I have been so focused on getting through them and "moving on".

 

My turn came.

I began talking and instantly my throat tightened, heart beat rose, and voice quivered. I spoke for the first time in two months... I spoke about my fear of looking weak, needy, and vulnerable. About feeling like there is something wrong with me because I don't feel as included with my girlfriends lately- and how I might be contributing too it. My fear of beginning therapy and if I would be good at it... When I myself have issues opening up sometimes.

 

I just let myself feel everything.

 

It was overwhelming, difficult, and scary. But SO liberating.

 

In that moment I realized how powerful it is for people to process and understand their feelings. I remembered why I choose this career path and the impact that it makes in peoples lives. I remembered how much I  grow each and every single time I sit down in that chair with my colleagues, classmates, and clients. I remembered how important it is for me as a therapist and as a person to continue growing, processing, and learning about myself.

 

We are all human. We all have stories and pasts. We all have filters from our experiences that make us interpret information in a totally different way then anyone else.

 

Personally, when I go through a difficult time in my life that involves change I become introverted and rely on myself. I always get told by others that I am very independent... Which I am. But being independent at times when you need someone can be extremely lonely and isolating. True independence is being able to say "Listen I am having a rough time with this... Can I talk to you about it" and being able to be interdependent with the people in your life that you know are there for you.

 

Change can be exciting. Usually, I like adventure and change- it is challenging for me. However, so many changes in my life at once has been extremely overwhelming. I feel shell shocked and scared about how I am going to handle it.

 

I have so much invested in this time of my life and this experience. Constantly I find myself thinking about how I am going to handle everything at once... I worry about not living up to my expectations, messing up, hurting others, my performance.

 

There has been so much worry that I have had little time enjoying the experience and the positive. Instead of reaching out and expressing my fears and feelings. I have pent them up inside of me and created a self-fulfilling prophecy- pulling back from the people and things that would help me realize how lucky I actually am.

 

Thankfully, I have an amazing group of people in my life that have my back no matter what. People that I know that I can lean on right now. People that love me and will be there for me even if I mess up. I am remembering how important it is for me to remember that and be independent enough too depend on them and be honest.

 

This clarity couldn't have come at a better time for me. My supervisor told me that as we grow in our profession as therapists we will have moment of progression and moments of regression: and that we need both in order to become the best we can as professionals.

 

These few months have been my regression. It has been difficult and I have felt scared and frustrated about loosing some of what I had gained. Yet, I am so thankful that being pulled back has allowed me too realize what I have learned in these past few days.

 

 

 

 

My last few weeks of summer before the storm begins:

 

 

Real.

Social Ladder

Looking back on the last five years of my life it is pretty mind-blowing to think about how much has changed.

Sometimes my past seems like a movie that I replay in my head. A movie about someone else.

I remember high school and being 16... Not knowing that there was so much more out there for me beyond those brick hallways of Brighton High.

Crying over comments that people made of me being "fat", watching the popular kids who all seemed so perfect stand on the "senior ramp" and claim their status, wondering why I couldn't be friends with them and trying to figure out what was "wrong with me". Crying over my heart being broken. Questioning who my real friends where.

Having absolutely no way of knowing that none of this stuff would matter down the road.

Looking back on those years of my life is difficult because it is the exact opposite of who I identify with today. I cant believe the narrowness of my thinking and the time I wasted caught up in insignificant worries about people who didn't matter.

Fortunately, I recognize the blessing hidden in those years as well.

Walking out of High School I felt like I was on a mission.

A mission to prove myself to "everyone". I was determined to become successful, travel, loose weight, and become someone. I wasn't going to let myself be the girl that was remembered as crying over her high school boyfriend on the hallway floor.

I set goals and made sure that I reached them. Travelled, got good grades, moved out of state, lost weight, got into graduate school, found an amazing "niche" for myself.

However, I did not recognize that on my journey to prove something to everyone else... In reality, it was leading me to realize that the only person I needed to prove something too was MYSELF.

At the end of the day I had accomplished everything I set out to do.

Yet, whenever I would find myself back in Utah and run into those same people. I was reminded of the person I used to be- I seemed to do a 360 and end up right back where I started.

Seeing them made me feel belittled... Like everything I thought I had accomplished didn't matter. That in their eyes I will always be that 16 year old mess of a girl.

This past year has really helped me recognize that those times in my life-as hard as the where... allowed me to realize at a young age EXACTLY who I didn't want to be.

I hit rock bottom back then.

Honestly, I still think about that time period in my life and it STILL hurts me. People don't realize just how much those few years affected me, and probably always will.

It wasn't about the fact that I wasn't "cool".

It was, however, about the fact that I had absolutely not sense of self-worth to pull myself off the ground at that time.

The blessing in all of it is the fact that I never will allow myself to become that way again.

 I have developed a identity that allows me to recognize: I can loose all the weight that I want, become friends with all of the "right people", and be the person on the "winning" side of all of my relationships.

But,  NONE of those things will ever give my life meaning, depth or beauty.

Because I wasn't always on top, there is more motivation in me too never be on the bottom again.

 I also am able to understand sometimes the greatest things in life come from the worst of situations.

I am thankful for that lost girl. If I never experienced being her; I wouldn't have had the experiences that created me into who I am today. I am thankful to have the motivation to better myself. Most importantly I am thankful that I realized that I didn't need to do it for anyone other then for myself.


To those lost girls out there. 16, 17, 18 or any age... Remember, you have the ability to rise up. Do what you want. Defy yourself. Become anything or anyone you want to be.

You only are at the loosing end if you feel like thats what you deserve.

Here are a few pics with some of the amazing people that have come into my life: