Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now it feels like there is no fuel in the engine and I am forcing it to start anyway.
Going into this semester I knew it would be a challenge juggling all of the responsibilities between school, interning, and work. However, I didn't expect for it to affect so many different areas of my life.
Knowing that I would be running place to place on no sleep seemed so far away just a few months ago. Now my days are all blending together and suddenly I am already three months in and I have no idea what has happened in the world around me during that time.
Don't get me wrong... I love what I am doing. I love actually being able to work with people and finally be able to make a difference in their lives. Right now, I think the fact that I am helping others go through sometime difficult is the only thing keeping me going...
Knowing that if I give up... I might be taking away that child's only opportunity to feel heard or cared about by someone for the first time. Showing them that when things get hard they have to fight through it.
Thats what keeps me going.
Literally, my day begins at 6:30 am and doesn't stop until 12:30 am- and somehow I still feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to get done.
It's like living in a tunnel in which there is not sense of time or reality. Its just constant go, go, go. To do list after to do list.
The hardest part for me is that I feel like I am loosing the ability to appreciate it. Appreciate the fact that I finally made it to the place I have worked so hard for. It blows my mind that it has become so difficult for me to take a moment and realize what is happening RIGHT now in my life...
Fulfilling my purpose. Helping others. Providing guidance. Making a difference. Doing something that I love. Making meaning out of my life and time here. Learning and growing. Healing.
Yet, it feels like there is so little time to appreciate it to be fully present in it. I am so caught up it the maintenance and "should" of every moment that I am unable to take a moment and just reflect on the beauty and meaning that this type of work brings into my life.
I hope with all of my heart that I soon settle into this new routine and am able to remember these precious moments of my life. The first moments of me doing exactly what I love and was meant to do... The first clients that find hope, empowerment and change their lives. My own growth and change as I hear stories that humble me and remind me of the darkness in the world.
I worked so hard to get to this place and it feels so surreal that it is flying by and I am not able to process what is going on inside of myself during this process.
The saying "nothing good every comes easy" keeps popping into my head and reminding me that I need to push myself forward. I need to read. I need to write. I need to do the paperwork.
It all goes together into making me the type of therapist and person that I want to be. Providing me with experience to have a good work ethic and provide the best service I can for the people I will work with throughout my career.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it. It seems unreachable right at this moment... Probably because I dont even know what day it is or actually what month I am in.
Yet, something inside of my wont let myself give up. It wont let the anxiety and lack of sleep win. Because I am stronger then that. I want this more then that. Most importantly, this isnt something that I cant handle.
Its important for me to keep on fighting and push through this next year and a half. Trying my best to not get caught up in the wrong things and never letting myself get resentful that this has become the reality of my life because of the path that I choose.
Knowing that it will end. Graduate school will be over and I will make it through it alive... Hopefully having enough energy to at least walk across the stage and get the piece of paper that I need in order to keep making a difference.
I end here with a quote that reminds me what all of this is for and a few pictures of the last few months:
"I don’t make things for a living. I live for a living. I am myself for a living. I seek beauty for a living. I think and contemplate for a living. I experience for a living. Seems so easy and obvious to me, and yet there is no term for it. In our society, it seems, you have to be defined by your job title. When meeting new people I can usually count on “what do you do?” being one of their first questions as they form their perception of me. To date I believe I never repeated the same answer, nor do I feel I have given one that was readily understood. I do what I once thought was impossible and, I suspect, in most people’s minds still is.
When I try to explain, I am almost always met with skepticism. Can you make a living doing that? Well, yes. You won’t see me featured in Fortune or Forbes any time soon but when I add up my monetary income to the intangible joys of a free and inspired life, I consider myself richer than most of those who are. Livelihood may be measured in dollars and cents. Life is measured in degrees of freedom. Living is measured in meaningful experiences. Yes, I make a very good living.”
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