Bubble

Let me warn you... this post is going to have quite a little bit of frustration and venting. I feel like I am running out of time to enjoy and gain experience from this year. I seriously cant believe that it is over already. I came here so young, scared, alone, and different then who I am right now. I leave here a strong, confident, well rounded and happier girl. Yet, I feel like there is so much more left for me to accomplish here. I feel like I have only started to do what I am capable of. I feel like when I leave here I will be thrown back into the reality of what my life is back in Utah. Here I am after the most amazing year of my life realizing that I am not happy at home. Yes I have my family, my best friends, my home, and familiarity there... All of the things in life that are supposed to make us "happy".  Well, they do make me happy. But being home also brings back bad thoughts too. All of the people who judge me off of who I was in high school, memories of feeling not good enough, trying to fit the "Utah" stereotype of beautiful (blond hair, skinny, blue eyes), feeling conflicted by relationships and friendships. At this moment I feel more scared to move back home, then I did to leave home in the first place, and that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that when I am in Utah I always feel like I need to be someone who I am not. That I always need to be proving that I am better then all of the stupid guys from my high school that gave me heartache for three years and now are on drugs, or college drop outs. I don't want to feel that ever again. I don't have that negativity here. I don't have a past that I have to make up for, I don't have anyone to prove anything to-but myself, and I feel beautiful here because 1 out of 20 girls here has blond hair and a perfect body. Honestly, this feels more like home to me, then home ever felt. I have three weeks left here. Three weeks that I need to make the best out of this entire year. I have finals, packing, and moving out to worry about, but honestly, I know that taking the most from these last few weeks matters more then any of those things. I was blessed to have this opportunity. It changed my life, my perspective, and taught me more then ANY other experience I have ever had. This year changed me, my attitude, and gave my motivation to get out of that little bubble called "home." It scares me to think that when I go home that I might become the person I was before I came here. I don't ever want to be that person again. I am scared of undervaluing myself, because I do when I am there. I am scared of loosing myself to the unrealistic and retarded standards that I hold of myself when I am there. I need to be skinner, I need to prove I am doing something with my life, I need to be liked by that group of people... etc. The funny thing is. I have never felt like I need to prove myself to anyone else since I moved to California. Maybe its because I separated myself from the "high school" crowd, or because I didn't have to redeem myself for anything here, or maybe the people in Utah just are trapped in a cycle of trying to be perfect. I don't know what it is. All I know is that in these next three weeks I need to make myself feel OK with leaving here. I need to live up every moment I have left before I am forced to say goodbye. Because I want to leave here feeling like I can tackle coming home, and not loosing all that I gained this year.

Land of the Shining Sun.

Californ-I-A. The place that everyone dreams of going. The place where dreams come true, love is made, and happiness is found. The place that has the worlds most appealing women (or so The Beach Boys and Kathy Perry say…) Stars are born here, money is made, and dreams become reality. Yes, California is quite the Paradise. It defiantly has proved to be Paradise for me. But not for any of the reasons I listed above. Being here for this past year has taught me more lessons then any other experience I have ever had. I have learned everything from the basics of preparing my own food, doing my own laundry, managing my own money etc… to the complicated stuff like making life long friends, figuring out who I am, and realizing my own will power and strength. Yes. California has made me richer, shown me the stars, and started me on a path to making my dreams come true. I have become richer by meeting people that come from different backgrounds, cultures, and religions. California forced us all together and allowed us to build friendships that wouldn’t have ever been found. I have seen the stars at glittering in the sky above the New Port Beach coast, as I sat with my friends breathing the salty air. I felt content, alive, and free. California allowed me to realize my dreams and it gave me the confidence that I needed in order to make them come true.  California alone did this all for me. It allowed me to break free of my comfortable little bubble, it made me look that the world and other people through a new set of eyes, and it taught me to accept myself and other people. I have made bonds and friendships here that are stronger then I had ever anticipated with people I never would have had the chance to meet had I not left home.  My roommate Ashley Dunn, she has become like an older sister to me. Everyday I look forward to her coming home and me telling her every stupid thing that happened that day. I look up to her. She is the MOST motivated person I have ever met. She doesn’t settle, she always gives everything her best effort, and she has overcome more then anyone else I have ever met. Leanna Marshall, I have a friendship with her that will last a lifetime. Even though we live across the country from each other I know that when this experience comes to an end our friendship will have only finished its first chapter. I have never met anyone that has such a amazing personality. This girl can start a conversation with anyone and keep it going for hours! What a talent. Adam Lewental, even though we only had first semester together he was probably one of the greatest people I will ever meet in my life. Adam is one of those lucky people that doesn’t try all semester and ends up getting a 100 % on all of the exams. He also is one of the most talented writers that I have ever met. Mark my words when I say this boy will be on the New York Times Best Seller list in a few years. Adam and I understand each other… probably cause we both think about stuff a little too much. Then there is Lisa Morgan and Carly Gernandt, I met these girls in Europe over my summer trip. I got lucky because they only live a hour away from me. They are the most welcoming people I have ever seen. They literally open up their home to anyone, and treat everyone as if they have known them for years. Never in my life have I felt so comfortable around anyone as these girls. They both are amazing people and amazing friends. Then there is Danny Von Doug, lets just say he is the only Asian Norwegian punk rocker/actor/ed hardy wearing friend I will ever have… and that is FOR SURE. Danny has the funniest personality ever. One time he said, “Its not big problem.”  I still laugh about it. I guess it was a “had to be there” kinda thing…. ;).  Last there is Caroline Egset, she also is Norwegian, and she is absolutely beautiful! Seriously. Bright blue eyes, clear skin, 5’6… what more could you want from life? ! haha only kidding. But Caroline is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She is so shy and calm… Yet we always have fun when we hangout. These are just a few of the MANY amazing people I have gotten a chance to meet here in California. But as you can tell, all of them are quite amazing. I want to end this post by saying thank you Sunshine State… you changed my life, you brought me amazing friends, and you made me SUCH a better person. I agree with every song lyric ever written about coming to the West coast… and I am so thankful that I did.

Reminder.

Achievements. Success. Goals. Each of us has a different idea on what these three words mean. Some might look at their greatest achievement as raising a family, others might look at success as winning an sporting event, and someone might have a goal of becoming president. There really is no better or worst version of a achievement, a success, or a goal. Everyone has their own outlook on what they want their lives to be... I want to warn you this is a topic I am super passionate about. I have a huge list of achievements, successes and goals that I want to accomplish in my life. I personally am NOT ok with settling. I want to become someone and go somewhere with my life. Being a stay at home mom, a wife, and all that stuff... it sounds great. But I don't want that to be the only thing that I accomplish. I want a career, I want a voice, I want to make a difference. I don't want to be in the same place that I am right now 10 years down the road, and I have seen WAY to many people fall into that pattern. I am a very driven person. Why give 98% when you can give 100%? Why let anyone but YOURSELF determine your life? WHY is the only thing so many girls look forward to today is getting MARRIED, or having BABIES? I am not saying that I don't want those things either... but I am saying I DON'T want those things for a very long time. I want to travel the world, I want to have a successful career, I want to write a book... and I also want my own talk show (my crazy big dreams haha). I want to do those things for ME. And I don't want my life to be dedicated to anyone else... until I fully dedicate sometime to MYSELF first. And even when I do decide to settle down... I don't ever want to rely on my "husband" to support me... I want my own money, my own life. And I also know that I will have those things. I am not someone who lets go of the things that I want easily. I will fight, I will push, and I will climb my way to the top. I am fully confident in myself when it comes to that. Life is what you make it, and what you make of yourself. So ladies (and gentlemen if it applies) go out there and do what YOU want to do. Make goals for yourself, become someone, don't settle... and if having a family and getting married is what you want, then DO it. But don't let it be the only thing that you ever end up doing. Everyone needs something that they accomplish on their own, for themselves.Something that NO ONE will ever be able to take away... That feeling of confidence when you accomplish something amazing. Wish me luck on my goals and dreams, and I wish you luck on yours ;).

xoxo
Sanj