Cat and Mouse.

"We always want what we can't have"

How true is this statement? 

We hear it ALL the time. When we want that Coco Chanel purse, a private Island, or that tempting chocolate cake (first day on the new no carb diet). Yes, we hear that statement FAR to often. 

Another place where this statement seems to come up often is in relationships.

Unfortunately... It seems to be very true.

I have noticed that I always pursue relationships and friendships that are out of reach. 

Either because of distance, or because I seem to be attracted to "emotionally unavailable" people.

Regardless, it really sucks. 

Its funny also because people often say that we attract the types of people that "reassure" us about how we secretly feel about ourselves.

And...

I personally don't think I view myself in a negative light. I think I am smart, motivated, passionate, personable, and caring. 

Yes, I have things about myself that I would change... but nothing that makes me feel insecure or forces me to feel like I  require validation from someone else. 

So, HOW COME I seem to yearn for the people that make me feel like I did something wrong?

WHY do I obsessively over think every single detail... about someone who is clearly too consumed with their own life to worry about me?

Is it because I like a challenge? Do I want a project to work on? Does it make me feel like I am doing something meaningful by trying to be the light in that persons tunnel?

Also...

WHY do I push away any sign of love or commitment? Isn't that what I am trying to get out of those other "unavailable" relationships? 

But when I have it... I seem to avoid it like its a cockroach. 

It causes me to wonder. What am I doing to MYSELF? Why am I so caught up in something... that is clearly not worth it? And WHY am I so afraid of a REAL commitment... and REAL love? 

I know I can have it... honestly I want it. I want to feel love for someone, and feel like they love me back.

I don't want to question it.

I don't want to play the stupid "cat and mouse" game of who texted who first, or how long I should wait to text back.

So, WHY am I pursing the WRONG people constantly? The people who clearly are not capable of giving me those things... and WHY do I keep pushing away the ones who can?

Have I been so burned by love, that I have learned to avoid it at all costs?

I have so many question's... and absolutely NO answers. All I can hope for is that someday someone comes along that changes things for me.

Someone that can break my wall and at the same time, be ready to fall in love with me back.

Cause the biggest question I have tonight is really...

What is life with out love?

We/Me

Love is something that is very rare to come by these days.

We all want it, search for it, yearn for it.

Most of us spend hours, months, days and even years... obsessing over someone else who we think  we "love".

And a lot of the time we end up heartbroken, lost, alone, and devastated.

Its funny how much time and effort people  put into "relationships" and into finding that perfect person.

Its also funny how while we spend so much time and effort searching for "the one" we usually end up forgetting to search for ourselves....

So many of us get caught up in relationships with other people. That we tend to forget about the most important person in our lives (ourselves).

I strongly believe that in order for love to exist between two people... each person must first learn to love and respect themselves first. To be independent, have accomplishments and a life separate from that relationship.

How can you build a solid foundation of a relationship-If the only thing that keeps your life going is that relationship?

It boggles my mind to see how many amazing people; that are capable of achieving amazing things... get stuck in a relationship with someone and end up settling. End up giving up amazing opportunities, goals, achievements... all because they think its worth it for love.

Now, don't get me wrong. Love IS worth sacrifices and of course it requires people to adjust and compromise their lives. I UNDERSTAND that.

What I am trying to get across is that... Its so easy to get lost in someone else.

I know this because... I have been there.

I also have learned that NO relationship will ever work... If that relationship is the only thing that you devote your energy and heart too.

Its so easy to get caught up in love.

But just remember... 10 years down the road. Once butterflies die off a little bit, and children are crying at 3 in the morning... You wont have any time for regrets on "what you could have done" with your life apart from that person. And feeling bitterness... isn't what any of us strive for when we picture our lives in the future.

So fall in love... But don't forget to love YOU first.

14 days.

Honestly I do not even know where to start this post.

Its crazy how much life can change in 14 days.

The last two weeks have been so life changing, eye opening, happy, and sad all at the same time.

My life has been changed and re evaluated, and I as a person feel completely different then EVER before.

Yes, yes... I always write about moments, lessons, stories that have effected me or changed my life.

But these last two weeks have done more then I can even begin to describe.

I lost my grandma to cancer, went to Israel, found friendships and strong connections with amazing people, experienced and saw incredible things... and learned so much about how strong love really is.

Let me first start with my beautiful Grandma. May she rest in peace and know that her kindness, love, passion, laughter still lives on in every single person that had the privilege to know her.

I was gone for her passing and for her funeral. And as much as I never got the chance to get that final moment of closure... I know that she wanted me to be in Israel. She wanted me to be there and experience life.

I know shes watching over me. My mom lit a candle for her, one that was supposed to stay lit for 7 days.

It stayed lit for 10... and went out the moment I got home from my trip.

I know that was her waiting for me; making sure that I got home ok. Watching over me.

She was the most amazing person I have ever met. No one can say one negative thing about her. Never did she complain or say she was in pain... Never did she ask for us to stay by her side. She would tell me "go live your life, dont stay here with me... your young, beautiful, smart, you shouldn't be spending your day in a nursing home watching an old lady be sick."

But I wanted to be there.

I wanted to watch her and learn from her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be ok.

I just wish I got to say goodbye.

In a way I guess I did...

I put on note for her into the Western Wall.  The only way I could say good bye... from 3000 miles away.

3000 miles away in the most INCREDIBLE country in the world.

Its crazy how much Israel changes my life and my perspective EACH time that I go there.

Its so alive, so proud, so welcoming, so peaceful. Contrary to what the media makes you believe.

There is a presence there that I have NEVER felt before.  No other country I have been too seems to compare. Its like one big Jewish family ANY where that you go. Families take six strangers in and feed them lunch and welcome them into their homes every single week for Shabbat.

Where else  in the world does that happen?

The people I met on my trip also were amazing.

Each one of them in their own special way.

A handful of them however, really made a huge impact on my life. I met a few girls that I know will be LIFE long friends. And some pretty incredible guys that made me laugh, cry, and showed me not EVERY single man is a asshole. And that it is ok to open up... and let someone in.

And that is pretty incredible... because I am probably the most guarded person when it comes to getting close to anyone.

I hope that everything that I have learned and realized in the last few weeks really stays with me. I hope I dont loose it, now that im back in reality.

Its so hard to keep in touch. To remember the purpose of things. To make that amazing change in your life. When your not constantly being reminded of it.

But I really hope I am strong enough not to forget.

And I hope that the choices that I make... will better my life, make me a better person, and help me grow into someone like the woman my grandma Zoya was. Someone that is so strong, kind, good, welcoming, smart, and incredible.

I want to live my life, knowing that on the day that I die; no one could say something terrible about me.

Just like Zoya.

And these amazing people that I had the chance to meet... and going to Israel; only brought me one step closer to becoming that person.

RIP babushka. I love you.

 Now a few pics from the Trip: