Cat and Mouse.

"We always want what we can't have"

How true is this statement? 

We hear it ALL the time. When we want that Coco Chanel purse, a private Island, or that tempting chocolate cake (first day on the new no carb diet). Yes, we hear that statement FAR to often. 

Another place where this statement seems to come up often is in relationships.

Unfortunately... It seems to be very true.

I have noticed that I always pursue relationships and friendships that are out of reach. 

Either because of distance, or because I seem to be attracted to "emotionally unavailable" people.

Regardless, it really sucks. 

Its funny also because people often say that we attract the types of people that "reassure" us about how we secretly feel about ourselves.

And...

I personally don't think I view myself in a negative light. I think I am smart, motivated, passionate, personable, and caring. 

Yes, I have things about myself that I would change... but nothing that makes me feel insecure or forces me to feel like I  require validation from someone else. 

So, HOW COME I seem to yearn for the people that make me feel like I did something wrong?

WHY do I obsessively over think every single detail... about someone who is clearly too consumed with their own life to worry about me?

Is it because I like a challenge? Do I want a project to work on? Does it make me feel like I am doing something meaningful by trying to be the light in that persons tunnel?

Also...

WHY do I push away any sign of love or commitment? Isn't that what I am trying to get out of those other "unavailable" relationships? 

But when I have it... I seem to avoid it like its a cockroach. 

It causes me to wonder. What am I doing to MYSELF? Why am I so caught up in something... that is clearly not worth it? And WHY am I so afraid of a REAL commitment... and REAL love? 

I know I can have it... honestly I want it. I want to feel love for someone, and feel like they love me back.

I don't want to question it.

I don't want to play the stupid "cat and mouse" game of who texted who first, or how long I should wait to text back.

So, WHY am I pursing the WRONG people constantly? The people who clearly are not capable of giving me those things... and WHY do I keep pushing away the ones who can?

Have I been so burned by love, that I have learned to avoid it at all costs?

I have so many question's... and absolutely NO answers. All I can hope for is that someday someone comes along that changes things for me.

Someone that can break my wall and at the same time, be ready to fall in love with me back.

Cause the biggest question I have tonight is really...

What is life with out love?