Lost.

I feel so lost.

I havent felt this way in a LONG long time.

When I go back and read my posts from last year it feels like someone else wrote them, funny thing is that I predicted this. I predicted that this next year would be a challenge for me... Challenge my ability to remain strong when tested. Unfortunately, I feel like I failed. The person I was last year at this time would be disappointed to see how fast I crumbled.

I have slowly fallen into my same routine that I was in before California, Europe and Israel.

I feel like I am constantly consumed with a negative self image and worrying about what "everyone else thinks" about me.

Honestly, its almost even worse then it used to be because I THOUGHT I had figured it out.... I thought I had become stronger. Better. But,  reality is showing me that I was quite wrong.

 I have been finding myself slipping back into staying quiet in class... EVEN THOUGH I know the right answer-because I fear sounding stupid.

Or over thinking how to respond to someone else trying to talk to me, and not being able to uphold a conversation. I find myself questioning my friends. Sleeping all day instead of being productive. Crying for no reason to cry. Getting angry over stupid insignificant things. Loosing any sense of control.

It feels like I did a full circle and ended up right back where I started.

My heart breaks- I progressed SO much, and it feels like I lost it too fast.

Honestly, its back to asking "who am I?"

And having nothing to respond with.

I need to find me again.

That light that I had last year... The confidence, the happiness, friendship, love, INDEPENDANCE.

It felt so good to feel satisfied in my OWN skin.

I miss it.

I want to find it again. No, I NEED to find it again, because I cant do this any more... Its draining and it is painful.