Thrill

Have you ever looked around and wondered how people can be ok with "settling"- accepting something that is only "good enough" or "as good as its gonna get"?

I do that every single day.

I dont know if I am crazy... Or have unrealistic expectations. 

I want more. I never want to just be "satisfied" with something. I want it to be amazing. Thrilling. Exciting. Difficult. 

From travelling, people, and love... To my career.

I want to live my life to the fullest. Never settling- and never having to look back on anything and wonder "what if?"

Thankfully, I have learned my own value and power. Setting goals that give me something to work towards. I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish. I know I am worthy of a life that I picture for myself.

Not because I think I am "better" or "special" but because I know that when I want something.... I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. 

Learning to be confident in myself and sticking to my decisions, listening to my gut, and constantly reminding myself that "there is more out there" has lead me to some pretty amazing things. 11 different countries, amazing people, places, experiences, a masters program, an job that I love, good friends around me, and respect of my parents. At 21, thats pretty damn good. 

I didn't get here easy. Some might say I am "spoiled', however, I worked my ass off  in order to save for my trips to Europe, get into graduate school, graduate college in 3 years, I am also aware I will probably spend a lot more time busting my ass off in order to get what I want out of my life.

I am okay with that. 

Yes, I was blessed with a supportive family. However, I also have been the ring leader and decided that I will never settle for less.

 Its taken a lot of hurt and loss of people that really mattered to me- it taught me to be diligent and aware of things and to clear my life of people that dont want what is best for me. 

I am realizing that sometimes it will take me hurting people that wont be able to meet me at the level I need them too, being hurt, failing, pushing forward, and constantly re-evaluating my priorities. 

Yet- I somehow know it will all be worth it.

Everything I picture of my life. It will happen. I will fight for it.

I wont settle for "good" or "okay"

Because life comes around once and if you settle- you'll never get another chance. 

So...

If you want true love- dont settle

If you want to go travel and see the world- dont settle

If you want good health- dont settle

If you want true friends- dont settle

If you want opportunity- dont settle

If you want freedom- dont settle

If you want money- dont settle

If you want hope- dont settle

If you want peace- dont settle

Go out there and figure out a way to get it. But god damn- dont EVER settle. 

Adjustment

Love.

Life.

Lessons.

Is there a purpose? A purpose for hurt? A purpose for happiness?

Honestly, like most of us... I find myself constantly wondering. What is the point?

WHY are we here?

WHY is that some people come into our lives and affect us so much- while others just pass through?

I find it crazy the ways that we affect one another.... either by loving, hurting, or both.

WHY is it that life somehow finds away to put someone there at the most inconvenient time?

It just doesn't seem fair.

You either hurt or get hurt. And in all actuality no one ever truly "wins"...

As I reflect back on the most influential people in my life I can think of a few extremely significant ones- and unfortunately either direction one of us ended up hurting the other. Them-me. Me-them.

They each taught me a lesson. Good or bad. Made me grow in different ways. Feel, doubt, hurt, laugh, love, fight.... everything possible.

Why is it that life choose to put these particular people there? In that specific moment of time...

WHY is it that life makes things so hard?

The only answer I can think of is somehow or someday the answer will come to me. I will just know. I will know the reason my heart broke and I broke hearts. Clarity will flood me... and all the uncertainty will vanish.

Maybe that moment comes during our last breath, maybe when we meet our "soul mate", or ... maybe it just comes in a peaceful minute alone.

Maybe.... it just never comes and thats the beauty of it.

I dont know.

All I know is that I fear this feeling- the feeling of venerability, loss, uncertainty, hurt.

Yet, I know this is one of those times in life when you follow your heart and do the hard thing.... because you know it is the right thing- somewhere deep down... You just know.

It will hurt. It does hurt... you feel like you are standing in a black room.

I just need to remember as time passes and your eyes adjust slowly things become more clear.