Transparent

Wow. It has been quite a while since I have sat down and had the urge or time to write.
Especially on this blog which has a much more personal flavor too it then my other one.
Link here: www.sandrakushnir.com

I don't even know were to begin writing at this point because I have had so much going on in the last few months. I am going to just let myself type and see what comes out at the end.

The last year has been really brutal for me. Honestly, it has probably been the most difficult year of my life so far. I never expected myself to be in the place that I am right now... Last year and at the beginning of my masters program when I felt like I was constantly growing and learning about myself. Everything seemed so new and exciting. My life felt like it was evolving... and there was no stopping me.

This post is coming from a very personal place for me that is extremely difficult for me to show others... let alone myself. It is a place that I keep hidden very well behind an act of "holding it" together. A place located right in the middle of my chest above my stomach and up through my throat. This place has felt extremely tight and unsettled for the last few months. It has overtaken me internally to the point were it shows on the outside and others have made comments to me that I look fragile and broken. My skin is breaking out, I lost a lot of hair, and I have spent hours in my bed either crying or sleeping.  Without anyone knowing.  I hold it together pretty well... I get up, shower, do my make up, put on my heels and set out into the world and meet my responsibilities and deadlines. I follow my routine.

Recently, it has gotten to the point were this feeling literally eats me up from the inside. I find no pleasure in my life... I wake up and make the drive through LA traffic without noticing the world around me. The weather, the trees, the sun, even the music playing in my car.  I sit in traffic with no emotion on my face feeling nothing. Thinking nothing. Totally numb. In my attempt to cover it up I have tried things I told myself I never would do. I feel like a stranger to myself. I feel lost from the person that I am. So distance from the girl who discovered so much about herself and the world through travel, friends, love, and openness to new people and experiences.

 I have built a wall around myself and closed off letting anyone in for the past few months. For someone who works with others helping them develop skills to be open.. I feel like I am living a lie.  It feels like I am teaching others something I have not been able to conquer myself. Being vulnerable to another and asking for support when it is needed is so much harder then it seems. So much harder then any exam, paper,  or job that I have ever or will ever have.

I have spent the last few months trying to convince myself that this feeling inside wasn't there and that it wasn't true.  Trying to numb it out and keep going like nothing is wrong. If there is one thing I have learned about myself and one thing that I stand for (as you can see from many of my old posts) is to always continue pushing forward.... NO MATTER WHAT. I told myself in high school that I would NEVER allow myself to feel this low again. It worked for a long time- at least for the last 5 or so years... I have been so strong and accomplished all that I set out to do. I felt strong, confident, and motivated. I promised to never let that weak part of me surface again.

But it has. That 16 year old girl who felt like her whole wide world was crashing down on her and no one understood is still inside of me. I didn't even know it. Or maybe I did and just chose to ignore it because it was so painful to accept the fact that someone could feel that bad. That I could feel that bad. That I DO feel this bad.

I feel lost right now because it feels like I broke my promise to myself never to be "that" girl again... Yet, in some strange fucked up way I feel liberated to know that I have the ability to feel this deeply still. I have been able to see the light in the darkness from that time in my life. It is that time that has propelled and pushed me through the last five years.

In this moment I am in that same place of darkness. I feel like I am 16 again and no one understands what is happening inside of me. I feel alone, scared, uncertain, and out of control. Routine has taken over my life through work, internship, school and the guard I have placed around myself. Other people rely on me to carry their emotions and give them advice- and I do.

Yet it feels like the thing that I love most has become the syringe that drains me of the life inside of me. The future seems so uncertain and it feels like I am working so hard and giving up my freedom in my early 20's for something that seems ungraspable and so far away in this moment. It feels like I am preaching something to other people that I cant even understand myself. I see my clients and friends progressing and wonder how come I can help others but not myself anymore. It feels terrifying and overwhelming. It feels like this past year everyone around me has moved forward while I am standing still. Like I am giving others something that I dont even have in myself right now.

I miss having people around me who motivate me and provide me with a pillar to lean on. For some reason I have let them all go and keep myself from calling on them. It doesnt make sense since they are exactly what I need right now.... Something inside of me keeps saying "suck it up and deal with it on your own" so I put down the phone and don't make the call. It seems so much easier in the moment to just avoid it. Avoid facing the fact that things are not ok right now and I cant continue to be this way. The reality is that I cant. I cant do this alone- I need help.

I need friends that push me through times like this and remind me of the bigger picture of my life. Not how much acne I have right now or how much weight I have gained or lost  but of my purpose, goals, dreams, and internal light. There have been a few people in my life that have changed my perspective on everything. Almost like guardian angels that have guided me through certain moments and challenging times in the last five years. Each one of them helping me, holding me up, and teaching me how to get through it.  Somehow each of them came into my life at a crucial time and somehow I just KNEW they were supposed to be there. There was something I was SUPPOSED to learn from them. Life took some of them away and put a distance between us. It is so hard to remember what I learned from them when they are not around me. How I miss them... If only they knew.

This post probably seems so negative and crazy if you are reading it. I don't even know if it makes any sense as I am typing everything out right now. All of this feels so jumbled together and overwhelming. It makes me feel so disorganized and helpless. This post probably seems that way as well if you are reading it. A whole lot of messed up shit that no one wants to look at. Yet it feels so good to just let it out. Let it flow and not worry if it makes any sense. Just feel it. Admit it. Face it. Fall.

Fall and let myself feel everything in this horrible place before I rise again. I remember the pain and the darkness from when I was 16 and how much light that it brought me later on. I want so badly to learn to accept the darkness right now and be curious as to what lessons and motivation it will bring me later on down the road. What is it I will look back on in my future and remember from this very moment and place in my life.

I was so ashamed of that 16 year old girl that I used to be. I never wanted to see her again. Ever. Yet here she is... staring at me in the mirror every single day for the past 5 or 6 months. Reminding me that I have stopped moving forward and that through all of the growth, experiences and avoidance she was always inside of me waiting for a time in my life to show herself again. For some reason she choose now.

The past months I have numbed her out and refused to face what was staring right at me in the mirror. This has lead me down a even darker path and engulfed me fully. Pretending never works. Reality always prevails... and I am starting to realize it. As I sat home yesterday crying for the third time that day and not knowing why; it dawned on me that in order to change I must stop lying to myself and everyone else. I must stop pretending to be "together" when I am not. I am fragile right now and the observations that others are making are true.  I must turn to those who can lift me and break down my wall. I must find the light and motivation that has guided me through these last 5 years. I must work to make the change that I need in my life right now. It wont be easy- it was not easy before and it will not be easy now.

It will however be something that shows me my strength and reminds me of the power of will and persistence that we all have inside of ourselves to grow. It will remind me of what I do in my career for other people and how important it is to do it for myself as well. It will reignite the fire that I know is inside of me. The fire that those who love and know me best remind me of. The fire that inspired the parts of me that want to travel, learn, grow, meet people, make a change in the world and in the lives of others. The fire in me that didnt give up until now. Somehow I need to relight it.

All of this is what inspired me to book the trip to Thailand this past week. It honestly came from a place of utter terror, hopelessness and fear. I realized that there is so much of myself that has been lost in the past year and I know that traveling is something that completes me. Makes me feel free and alive. Something I haven't feel for a long time... so long that I almost have forgotten what it feels like.

To be free of responsibilities and deadlines. Lost in another culture and new people who teach you so much and remind you of how small you are in this magnificent world. How small your job, paper, and ex-boyfriend are in comparison to the rest of your life and the universe. Free not be graded on how many sources I used in my paper or by if I arrive on time or 10-mins late. Free to try new food, smell fresh air, taste new spices, feel my feelings and live my life. I need that reminder right now... I need to feel alive and remember why I am here. What my purpose is and what I want to teach not only my clients but my friends, family, and children. What influence I want to make during my lifetime and what I want to leave behind.

Facing the reality of this is really hard for me. Especially admitting it to myself or the "self" that I have projected to the world since high school. I have avoided these feelings for so long that it feels like I cant cope with all that is coming up for me. I realized within this past week that I need to do something different and break this routine. I am hopeful that Thailand will bring me back to lost parts of myself but I am also aware that I need to let myself sit in this and take it all in. Learn from it and find my strength.

I need to learn to be vulnerable and ask for help when I need it. Turn to those people that I want in my life instead of pushing them away. Look in the mirror and ask that girl I see staring back at me what it is that she needs. What it is like to feel so alone and to love and nurture her. It is she that gave me everything that I had up until this point. She was the one who inspired me to live my life and never settle. It is that girl that I have avoided for so long that brought those few amazing friends into my life... I know this because they have seen parts of her and loved her even though I hated her and hid her so well.


Again I apologize for how long this is... if you have even read this far. But god damn does this feel good. Like bricks have been lifted off of my shoulders that feel like they are attached to my ears because of all the stress. It just feels so freeing to write it all out and see it on the screen in front of me. Face it. It feels like I cant stop. There is so much pent up inside of me that I have held inside and I am miles ahead of my fingers and how fast they can type.

If anyone did take the time to read this I hope something in this touches the part of you that no one else knows about. The part of you that is hidden behind the mask that you wear every single day because that is what is expected of you. The part that is human and sometimes doesn't measure up to everyone else's expectations, especially your own. It is these parts of ourselves and times like this that define our lives.

In every difficult experience there is a lesson to be learned and a purpose to be found. I wish it was easier for us to show ourselves to the world. I wish that it wasn't so scary and that we wouldn't be judged for it. I know that some people will read this and judge me and think I am "dramatic" or just crazy. Maybe I am... but I need to learn to accept this  part of myself. Be ok with showing her to the world and possibly facing ridicule like I did in high school. It is now that I am realizing that by hiding her from myself I have been living in a false reality.

If there is one thing that I don't want to encourage in the lives of my client's, friends, family and the people I love is to live a life of "pretending." The only way I can help others not only in my profession but in my life is by first helping myself and being brave enough to face the emptiness that I see in the mirror.

When there is emptiness there is room for something to come in and fill it if I allow myself to let it in and truly let it transform me. Last time I was in this dark place it changed my life completely and brought me to a path of so much love, change, and and progress. It taught me my own personal strength and willpower. It made me realize that no dream is unreachable if you take the steps to making it happen.

I have hope that this time of darkness will only make me into an even stronger and better person. Someone who lives life in a way that matches what I hope to teach and bring to others. Someone who is strong enough to accept weakness, vulnerability and not hide that part of me anymore. It is a hell of a lot harder and braver to face uncertainty, hopelessness, pain and fear then it is to put on the mask every single day.

What a world we would all live in if we were allowed and not afraid to show our humanness; maybe we would be able to relate and understand each other in ways that we don't even know we are able to. Maybe we would learn we aren't alone and that many of us have these types of feelings... and maybe then our connection to that experience would take away the loneliness and fear. Maybe we would realize that the multi-millionaire might feel just as bad if not worse inside then the guy sitting on the street begging for spare change, that the pretty girl might not feel worthy to be loved just like the girl that gets tortured by her peers, that the guy who has the perfect job and endless opportunities might be just as scared for his future as the one with no plan and no idea what direction he is going in.

If there is one thing that I have learned through this journey of becoming a therapist is that when someone feels safe to take off their mask and show you those hidden parts of themselves... You realize how beautiful each one of us is and how different we are then what we project to the rest of the world because that is what we believe is "acceptable" or "desirable."

At the end of the day we are all human and we all experience moments in our lives of pure joy and happiness and times that seem like never ending darkness. With that I will end this ridiculously long post with the hope that those of you that did read it somehow understand the place that it came from for me and the meaning that it holds. I also hope that you come to a place in your life when you are faced with realizing that you need to learn to love and accept the good and the bad parts of yourself and that it is ok to show yourself in this world. It is ok to fall, cry, feel confused and have no fucking idea what to do with yourself and that those moments are just as meaningful as the good ones.

xoxo.