Facing the reality

How do you look at the person that you love more then anything else in this world and say goodbye for good? How do you let go of the one that thing that has defined every significant moment of your life? How do you risk loosing the only thing that has touched you in the most vulnerable ways? 

 I close my eyes and try to imagine my life with out you. Who would I be? Where would I be? What would my world look like?

I dont know.  You have been the defining moment in everything. You have been the one thing that I have always fallen back on. The one thing that my heart controls more then my mind. Letting you go seems unimaginable. The pain that comes come with it so strong that it feels unbearable. So many years invested into something so undefinable to anyone else. 

The love I have felt for you will never compare to anyone else in my life. Never again will I feel so connected to someone that life without them seems unbearable. 

If you only knew how hard it is for me to not feel that back from you. To feel forget, alone, scared, lost, abandoned and not protected. It feels like a convulsion of pain throughout every part of my body. I feel lost. It feels like the only person I can rely on is myself... That I wont be able to turn to you in my deepest moments of need.

It feels like I am always the second choice. After all of your priorities have been met by all your desires and needs... Then you remember me. Especially when you feel like I might be gone. Suddenly you try and you care. But do you really? 

Love is not be a circumstance thing... shouldn't it be something that defines the direction you want in life? Isnt it all that matters at the end?

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we had never have met. What would my life look like? Who would  I even  be? I dont know.... thats how much you have impacted me. Every moment of my life since I met you has defined my direction. 

Can I admit that every decision and choice I have made has been for myself? No I cant. It would be a lie. More then half of everything has been for you. For you to actually see that what we have is rare. What we have matters. Who I am is not easy to find out there.... Yet it still isnt enough. It wont ever be enough for you to choose me first. I wont ever come first and that is the reality. It will always be you. 

That the difference between reality and fantasy. It never has been me, It never will be me that is your first choice. 

How do you look at the person that you love with all that you are and walk away because you know that your not that person for them?

I dont know. I havent been able to do it.