Falling

Falling in love. What a scary, amazing, intimidating, and exhilarating thing. Love changes everything. When we fall in love with someone our perspective on life changes. We make that person out to be perfect, every imperfection they have makes us love them even more, every bad thing about them we make out to be "not that big of a deal". And well... as we all already know; we can be blinded by it. Scary huh? A feeling SO powerful that it literally can alter everything. I have seen so many beautiful, strong, smart, funny and amazing women fall in love and completely let go of everyone and everything else in their lives. And in a bittersweet confession... I have been there. I must admit it was the most significant experience I have ever had in my life. Falling in love built me up, broke me down, left me with many sleepless nights... filled with butterflies and tears, and taught me lessons I will carry with me forever. I remember each and every moment of being in love: every good thing, and every bad thing. I remember these moments better then any other experience I have ever had. Love took me to the top of a mountain and to the bottom of a ocean. It broke me and it built me up. However,  I have a problem with letting myself love again. I built walls around my heart and buried my feelings deep inside me. I became the girl that put myself first, the girl who couldn't let anyone in. Love brought me hurt and hurt made me learn to control my love. And now I'm in a scary situation. I am finding myself falling again... and I don't know what to do. I am terrified... yet happy. Part of me wants this forever. And part of me wants to be alone. Part of me wants to figure out my life... to grow and experience things for myself. And the other part of me wants him to be with me forever. I don't know which way to lean... and I am scared. For the past two years I have been cold hearted and I knew I had to make choices on my own. I knew I had to do what was best for ME. But now.... I'm blinded once again. I bring him into every decision and possibility for my future. But is that what I want? I don't want to end up bitter at him. I want to know this is right... but I don't want to risk loosing it either. I don't want to hold him back from his own dreams and goals.... yet I don't want him to do them with out me. Right now I wish love was more rational. I wish love didn't do this to me. I wish I had control again. I wish I could love him less.... But I cant. And that scares me.