A few days ago my mom called me and told me she was taking my grandma to the ER. I put down the phone and swallowed my fears "She probably forgot to take her diabetes medication" I said to myself. A day later she called me again. This time she sounded tired, scared, and worried. The doctors discovered a tumor on the right back side of my grandmas brain. I felt the tears building up, that feeling of my throat burning and my face turning red. But I held it together. My mom was holding it together for her mom, and I had to hold it together for mine. I told her to call me with updates and that I would be home in a few days for spring break to help as much as I can.
Well here I am. It is Spring Break and I am home... my grandma is upstairs sleeping next to my mom. She has open brain surgery scheduled at 5:00 am tomorrow. It's just not fair. Why do such bad things happen to such good people? My grandma has been through so much in the last decade. She lost the love of her life ( my grandpa Leo) to Alzheimer's when I was in sixth grade. She misses him every single day. She lives alone, no one calls, no one visits. GOD I wish I did that more often. Here's the thing about my grandma... she's the kind of old lady that you just want to wrap your hands around and just hold her. Shes 4'9, round, and always smiling... even if she is hurting inside. She offers everyone candy, cake, or something to eat every single time she sees them. She always tells the most interesting stories about her life as a little girl growing up in a small village in Ukraine. GOD I wish I had listened more.
So, how does anger play into this? Well obviously I am angry this happened to her. I am angry that my grandpa was taken from her. I am angry that she is alone 97% of the time... and most importantly I am angry I let that happen. Nevertheless, none of these reasons are why I am writing this post. I am writing this post because of what my mom told me about 40 minutes ago about the night she took my grandma to the ER. Are you ready? If this doesn't get your blood boiling, I really don't know what else will. My mom brought my 80 year old grandma in the the emergency room, her leg was having painful seizures because the tumor was pressing on a nerve... she was screaming from the pain. Want to know how she was greeted at the ER? She was told to take a seat because a "wiggling" leg wasn't the most serious emergency that they had to handle. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! There is an 80 year old woman in terrible pain and you tell her to take a seat?! Oh I wish it ended there. Next the doctor gives her morphine and tells my mom to "take her home". When my mom refuses and demands that they do more tests... he replies to her. "There is no way that I am going to let this patient take up an 'overnight' bed in the ER. for a little twitching in her leg" ... My mom was shocked. Needless to say, she stared him straight in the eyes and told him he better run more tests because there could be something wrong in her brain causing the seizures. What does the doctor do? HE FUCKING LEAVES. Leaves and writes a note to the nurses that the only reason my grandma is staying overnight is because my mom caused a "scene". Ya. Next morning a different doctor came in talked to my grandma and my mom... asked THREE questions and automatically sent her up for serious inspection. Three hours later, the MRI showed the brain tumor.
This brought my blood to a boil. "What the hell is this doctors name?!" I ask my mom. "File a fucking law suit against him for denying adequate care!!" My mom looks me in the eyes and says "We will deal with it after the surgery and when we see how things go".
No. This isn't something that should EVER go unnoticed. People like this man SHOULD NEVER be allowed to be in a position of "helping others". This man needs a kick in the ass and a reality check. He didn't even care about my grandma. He didn't care about her cookies, or her smile, or her life stories, or her grand kids. She was NO ONE to him... Just another number before he could go home and eat his dinner. No. This isn't OK. And I am angry. Angrier than I have EVER been probably.
So back to the question... Why is it so impossible to avoid anger?
Because of stories like this. Because it forces you to realize that you don't want to EVER become the kind of person that this man was. Because it makes you stop for a moment and think "wow I cant believe I just felt all of those horrible things". Just imagine how angry that man must be... he is so angry that he dosent even care about the story behind the faces of his patients. He is so angry that he lost faith in the whole point of his job...(helping others). He is so angry that he could look an 80 year old woman in the face and turn her away, seeing that she is in pain. Anger exists so that we feel it. It also exists so that we choose either to let it overtake us... or to let it go. I was angry. I still AM angry...
But I will let it go.
I know that life moves in a circle and soon his actions will catch up with him. I know that my grandma will be ok. And I also know my mom's gonna slap his ass with either a law suit or a bitch out. Either way, I know I won't be angry forever.
But he will be angry forever.
I love you grandma Zoya. Good Luck.
xoxo
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