Reality.

I had a few reality checks in the last few weeks.

Each one was eye opening, some in a good way... others not so much.

The first, unfortunately, was a reoccurring reality check. You think I would have learned from previous situations....

This reality check made me ask myself the question that none of us want to ask, "how the hell are you so stupid, Sandra?! Didn't you learn anything?".

You would think that I have learned that relationships are a TWO way street. I seemed to have thought I mastered this concept also... Guess not.

Someone comes into your life that makes you forget all that wisdom you have gained from previous relationships (gone bad)... and somehow you find yourself obsessing over the SAME situation, just with another person.

It hit me the last few weeks: No matter HOW bad you want someone in your life. They will only be there if they WANT to be there, just AS BAD or MORE then you want them there.

You can force it. You cant wish for it. You cant change it.

You just have to accept it, and move on.

If they aren't fighting to be with you, you shouldn't be fighting to be with them. End of story.

You are much better off fighting for the people that are putting in a effort to be apart of your life, and doing whatever it takes; for you to be apart of theirs. They are the ones who truly LOVE and care about you.

Thank god; I got hit with that one... (again)

Second, I remembered how important health is.

It is true, if you don't have health... you don't have ANYTHING.

Watching my mom go through heart surgery, and get a pace maker.

And, seeing how much the dynamic of my family has changed in the last year; all due to health issues, really opened my eyes to how important it is to take care of yourself.

Cancer, heart disease, anxiety attacks... All of these things can be either prevented or the risks could be reduced, just by taking better care of our bodies.

Exercising, eating healthy, relaxing, catching up on sleep.... Essential things, that seem to take a back burner to stress, fast food, and unhealthy habits.

Watching my family go from perfect... to a completely disorganized, depressed, mess... was not what I was expecting, to happen... just because of health issues.

Even though it has been the hardest year of my life, I have learned a very crucial lesson from all of this.

Appreciate my body, appreciate my soul, appreciate time to relax.

This reality check was the hardest one... But it was defiantly needed.

Third, I  was forced to remember that I have a limit.

I always bite off more then I can chew, because I want to push myself to be a better person.

This unfortunately has come with many negative consequences.

Instead of giving my all to something, I can only give it partial attention, because I have SO many other things going on.

I realized that I need to take a step back. And re-evaluate what I am capable of handling.

Just because I cant do EVERYTHING... Doesn't mean that I am failing. I needed to realize that.

I try so hard to be perfect, and to do everything that I can to make sure that I live my life according to my highest expectations.

I never thought I would fail because I was expecting SO much out of myself. I cracked under my own pressure.

This reality check taught me that I need to: Take a step back, inhale... exhale, and handle ONE thing at a time...

Quality is better then quantity. And I haven't been doing quality work, because I have been doing a quantity of it.

This reality check was a blessing in disguise.

Needless to say, this last month has not been smooth sailing.

It has been one challenge, followed by another.

But, somehow I have survived.

Yes, there have been sleepless nights, tears, constant looking at my cell phone (waiting for a text or a call that never came), neck cramps due to stress, hospital visits, and fights.

However, I have learned and grown from each of these things. I have been forced to re-evaluate many things in my life, and been brought down to a more realistic perspective.

So thank you. Thank you LIFE for challenging me... and thank you for making me realize what is-and what is not important.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality.

Take a moment, take a breathe, stop.... and think.

xoxo

Sink or Swim

Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

Should there be a limit to how high you can hold your expectations of other people?

This is something I am struggling with lately, wondering about;  how much can you expect from people, before you push them away?

Is it better to end up alone... then to settle for less then you think that you "deserve"?

Personally, I seem to hold extremely high standards for what I look for in friendships, and relationships.

The people I have the highest expectation for; seem to also be the people who have somehow hurt me, or who have somehow challenged my trust.

So, why shouldn't I have high expectations from them? I sometimes feel that because someone else hurt me... that in order for them to be apart of my life, they will constantly need to be redeeming themselves.

I am the type of person who forgives people... but doesn't forget what they did.

And if someone did something that really hurt me, apart of me will always hold that against them.

Yes, I wish I could change this characteristic about myself... But I can't. It is who I am. I'll forgive you, but I won't forget.

Lately, I have had two very important people in my life working very hard to get my trust, forgiveness, and friendship back.

However, I don't recipricate the effort.

It really scares me... Because I don't want to be the type of person who "pushes others away". But I do... I hold them at a arms distance.

I don't know if I do these things in order to avoid pain, conflict, or simply because I was so hurt that I literally became numb to these people.

These friendships meant the entire world to me... and having them turn their backs on me during a extremely vulnerable time in my life, really affected my perception of them. And forced me to really revaluate and question their place in my life.

Now, things have changed. Both, have made a enormous effort to show me that they are sorry for their mistakes, love me, and value my friendship.

And I am thankful for that. I did miss their presence in my life... But at the same time, I found friendships with other people that I never have to question. Friends that I know won't ever turn their backs on me, and leave me. Having these new "fresh" starts with people really causes me to wonder if its even worth the effort to rekindle the relationships that have caused me so many tears.

I can't seem to force myself to "try" to make it work again. And I believe that real friendships shouldn't have to be so difficult.

I mean; a friend, is a friend.

Should I lower my expectations?

Is it worth it?

For once, I really don't know.

Investment.

"No body said it was easy... But they said it would be worth it"

"Is it really worth it?" I have been asking myself this question for the last two weeks.

Two weeks, that have been FILLED with GRE prep books, flash cards, resume writing (and re writing) and HOURS spent researching graduate programs.

Needless to say I feel drained. And its only the first dent, in the next three months of my life.

I keep wondering... Why am I doing this to myself? I am only 20 years old, and this is only my third year of college.... Im already on top of my game. Why do I need to pack my schedule will 16 upper division psychology classes, try to get into graduate school, and participate in all these "extra" circular activities?

I mean I could have taken less classes, I could graduate a semester later then Spring 2012...  I could....

But, if I did that then I would be giving up something else.

I would be giving up the chance to move back to California, and be truly happy again.

Its hard in the moment sometimes... When I am sitting there looking at the pile of papers, exams, and books to remember the bigger picture.

The bigger picture of my life.

The fact that if I push myself RIGHT NOW and work hard... I can be doing something amazing in a few years.

I can be doing something that will make a difference, in someone else's life.

At moments I loose sight of this. At moments I wonder "why am I trying to grow up so fast?"

But then I remember.... Its NOT about growing up. Its not about these exams or resumes.

Its about being the person that changes someone else's life. And doing something that MATTERS.

I am ready to do those things. Sitting in a classroom, working at a meaningless job, stuck in a city that doesn't make me happy.... Isn't what I want to be doing.

And in order to be where I want to be, I need to dedicate time and effort.

Sometimes, it feels impossible.

Sometimes, I want to give up.

But  I won't.

I won't give up.... on something that I want.

And the thing that  I want  most is to make something of myself, have a voice, and help other people.

I have to hold my head high and continue this journey.

So that... In one year, I can say that "Yes, it was hard.... but I would do it all over again, because what I have achieved IS worth it."