Sink or Swim

Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

Should there be a limit to how high you can hold your expectations of other people?

This is something I am struggling with lately, wondering about;  how much can you expect from people, before you push them away?

Is it better to end up alone... then to settle for less then you think that you "deserve"?

Personally, I seem to hold extremely high standards for what I look for in friendships, and relationships.

The people I have the highest expectation for; seem to also be the people who have somehow hurt me, or who have somehow challenged my trust.

So, why shouldn't I have high expectations from them? I sometimes feel that because someone else hurt me... that in order for them to be apart of my life, they will constantly need to be redeeming themselves.

I am the type of person who forgives people... but doesn't forget what they did.

And if someone did something that really hurt me, apart of me will always hold that against them.

Yes, I wish I could change this characteristic about myself... But I can't. It is who I am. I'll forgive you, but I won't forget.

Lately, I have had two very important people in my life working very hard to get my trust, forgiveness, and friendship back.

However, I don't recipricate the effort.

It really scares me... Because I don't want to be the type of person who "pushes others away". But I do... I hold them at a arms distance.

I don't know if I do these things in order to avoid pain, conflict, or simply because I was so hurt that I literally became numb to these people.

These friendships meant the entire world to me... and having them turn their backs on me during a extremely vulnerable time in my life, really affected my perception of them. And forced me to really revaluate and question their place in my life.

Now, things have changed. Both, have made a enormous effort to show me that they are sorry for their mistakes, love me, and value my friendship.

And I am thankful for that. I did miss their presence in my life... But at the same time, I found friendships with other people that I never have to question. Friends that I know won't ever turn their backs on me, and leave me. Having these new "fresh" starts with people really causes me to wonder if its even worth the effort to rekindle the relationships that have caused me so many tears.

I can't seem to force myself to "try" to make it work again. And I believe that real friendships shouldn't have to be so difficult.

I mean; a friend, is a friend.

Should I lower my expectations?

Is it worth it?

For once, I really don't know.