Social Ladder

Looking back on the last five years of my life it is pretty mind-blowing to think about how much has changed.

Sometimes my past seems like a movie that I replay in my head. A movie about someone else.

I remember high school and being 16... Not knowing that there was so much more out there for me beyond those brick hallways of Brighton High.

Crying over comments that people made of me being "fat", watching the popular kids who all seemed so perfect stand on the "senior ramp" and claim their status, wondering why I couldn't be friends with them and trying to figure out what was "wrong with me". Crying over my heart being broken. Questioning who my real friends where.

Having absolutely no way of knowing that none of this stuff would matter down the road.

Looking back on those years of my life is difficult because it is the exact opposite of who I identify with today. I cant believe the narrowness of my thinking and the time I wasted caught up in insignificant worries about people who didn't matter.

Fortunately, I recognize the blessing hidden in those years as well.

Walking out of High School I felt like I was on a mission.

A mission to prove myself to "everyone". I was determined to become successful, travel, loose weight, and become someone. I wasn't going to let myself be the girl that was remembered as crying over her high school boyfriend on the hallway floor.

I set goals and made sure that I reached them. Travelled, got good grades, moved out of state, lost weight, got into graduate school, found an amazing "niche" for myself.

However, I did not recognize that on my journey to prove something to everyone else... In reality, it was leading me to realize that the only person I needed to prove something too was MYSELF.

At the end of the day I had accomplished everything I set out to do.

Yet, whenever I would find myself back in Utah and run into those same people. I was reminded of the person I used to be- I seemed to do a 360 and end up right back where I started.

Seeing them made me feel belittled... Like everything I thought I had accomplished didn't matter. That in their eyes I will always be that 16 year old mess of a girl.

This past year has really helped me recognize that those times in my life-as hard as the where... allowed me to realize at a young age EXACTLY who I didn't want to be.

I hit rock bottom back then.

Honestly, I still think about that time period in my life and it STILL hurts me. People don't realize just how much those few years affected me, and probably always will.

It wasn't about the fact that I wasn't "cool".

It was, however, about the fact that I had absolutely not sense of self-worth to pull myself off the ground at that time.

The blessing in all of it is the fact that I never will allow myself to become that way again.

 I have developed a identity that allows me to recognize: I can loose all the weight that I want, become friends with all of the "right people", and be the person on the "winning" side of all of my relationships.

But,  NONE of those things will ever give my life meaning, depth or beauty.

Because I wasn't always on top, there is more motivation in me too never be on the bottom again.

 I also am able to understand sometimes the greatest things in life come from the worst of situations.

I am thankful for that lost girl. If I never experienced being her; I wouldn't have had the experiences that created me into who I am today. I am thankful to have the motivation to better myself. Most importantly I am thankful that I realized that I didn't need to do it for anyone other then for myself.


To those lost girls out there. 16, 17, 18 or any age... Remember, you have the ability to rise up. Do what you want. Defy yourself. Become anything or anyone you want to be.

You only are at the loosing end if you feel like thats what you deserve.

Here are a few pics with some of the amazing people that have come into my life:

Love.

I have been getting a lot of questions lately about my "relationship status".

Yes, it must be confusing for people to see pictures of me and Alex after so long and so much has happened, seeming like we are back together.

I get it. I want to make it clear that despite everything I have learned in this past year- separate from Alex the one thing that has remained consistent throughout this journey is the fact that Alex brings a internal peace, comfort and warmth to me that no one else does.

I know now after a year of being apart that I can be happy, find someone who loves me, and be completely content on my own. I know I dont need anyone else to make me happy.

I also know the difference between loving someone and liking someone. I know the difference between caring so much about a person that you fall apart and being indifferent. I know the difference between fighting like crazy- but not changing one moment of it because the fight is worth it with that person and giving up. I saw first hand the difference that Alex Ray brings to me. He brings me back down to earth and reminds me that life isn't all about school and work.

He forces me on a mini adventures every time I see him. Makes me try new things and appreciate little moment. He makes me wind down and remember that life is not just about success and stability. He brings out the kid in me.

I cant explain to anyone how scary it is to fall in love with someone at the age of 15. But thats what happened with us. We fell in love before we even knew what love was. It was scary and it caused us to do a lot of hurtful things to each other... People dont understand how difficult it was not have a normal experience of dating around, being selfish, not having to worry about hurting or loosing someone else at such a young age.

For a long time I felt bitter, scared, and denied because I didn't get to do those things. My heart was stuck on one person and I couldn't do anything about it. We both always ended up right back where we started. As hard as I tried to give other people a chance and move forward no one ever compared.

No one still does.

One thing that I realized is that I wouldnt change all of those moments in the past. Not one thing that happened between him and I. The happy times and the lowest times. Alex and I went through everything together. He is my first in nearly all of the most significant parts of my life. I realized that I learned more from loving him then I would have learned from dating a bunch of random boys all of those years. I realized that because of all those trials we went through together him and I have a bond that no one will ever beat, replace or fully understand.

I also realized how much more significant my life is when he is with me. When I look back at my childhood, adolescence and the past few years Alex has been part of the most important moments. I cant picture moments like that without him there.... They wouldnt be the same.

So the answer to the question.. "What is my relationship status?"

There is no answer to that. Alex and I still both have a lot of growing up to do. We both still have dreams and goals to achieve. We both have seperate lives in different cities. We both are chasing our dreams. I also know that we are doing these things because of each other.... If we hadnt fallen in love at 15. Everything in both of our lives would be completely different. I can honestly say I would probably be a lot worse of a person if I didnt have him in my life.

I would never ask Alex to give up his dreams for me. I want for him and always have wanted him to do something more with his life. I always saw his potential. Even in the most difficult of times when it would have been easy to look at the bad and walk away.... I didnt because I knew the person he is inside. I knew his intelligence, kindness, and his child like outlook would one day do something amazing. I couldn't be prouder of him for letting me go despite being hurt, moving to San Francisco and pursuing something that he loves.

Right now is not the right time for us to be in a relationship. We both have so much going on in our lives and so much to still figure out and learn. Yet I want to make it clear that love doesnt change or go away. I cant picture going through more significant moments in my life and not having him be apart of it. I cant picture a time when he isnt the most important person to me. Because it wont ever happen... With that I leave the book unfinished and wonder how this our story will unfold.

Goals

One thing that no one can ever take away from you are your accomplishments.

Goals that you set for yourself and end up completing give you a inner confidence that makes you glow from the inside out.

Pushing yourself to achieve something that you envision for yourself is stimulating and challenging it requires dedication, passion, motivation, and time. 

My belief is that if you want something bad enough- you will do whatever it takes to get it.

Having a goal changes the meaning of a persons life. 

It gives you a reason for being alive- a purpose.

The most lost people often dont have anything that they want- they dont have a passion, the motivation, or the will to experience something more. 

They are comfortable. Living day to day, clocking in and out, following the same routine that allows them to live that middle class life style. Striving for security. 

Longing for meaning. 

I dont ever want to be one of those people. I never want to stop working towards something. 

I have so much that I want to do in my lifetime because I realize that there might only be one opportunity to do it. 

There is nothing that I believe in more then setting goals for oneself and working towards achieving them. 

Small or big- it doesn't matter. As long as it forces you to continue working towards finding meaning in yourself. 

These are some of my goals that I want to accomplish in the next five years:

1. Graduate with a masters degree.

2. Get into a Psy D. program

3. Go to Thailand

4. Go to Australia

5. Go to South America

6. Start writing a book

7. Find love 

8. Change someones life

9. Buy a car without my parents support

10. Do something for the community at least once a month

11. Get a spot on LA talk radio once a week for at least an hour

12. Learn to not get nervous when I public speak

13. Be a better daughter

14. Be a better friend

15. Experience crazy passion and love for a man

16. Let go of my insecurities

17. Stop eating so much sugar

18. Practice speaking Russian so that I dont loose it

19. Forgive the people that hurt me in my past

20. Coachella

21. Skinny dip (yes I havent ever!!!)

Day in and day out I realize there isnt much time between our crazy schedules, bills, and school to accomplish these little things. Yet, I know at the end of our lives the little things defy so much more then we realize while we were lost in our routines. 

I have goals, dreams, and unrealistic expectations of what I want my life to be- but at least I have the ability to fight for my vision because I wont ever be the type of woman who settles for satisfaction. I dont believe in ever being satisfied. There is always room to for improvement in all aspects of our lives. 

When we stop fighting for something. We stop living. 

Here are some pics from the last few months of my experience in graduate school and the amazing people that reaching this goal brought into my life:

Thrill

Have you ever looked around and wondered how people can be ok with "settling"- accepting something that is only "good enough" or "as good as its gonna get"?

I do that every single day.

I dont know if I am crazy... Or have unrealistic expectations. 

I want more. I never want to just be "satisfied" with something. I want it to be amazing. Thrilling. Exciting. Difficult. 

From travelling, people, and love... To my career.

I want to live my life to the fullest. Never settling- and never having to look back on anything and wonder "what if?"

Thankfully, I have learned my own value and power. Setting goals that give me something to work towards. I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish. I know I am worthy of a life that I picture for myself.

Not because I think I am "better" or "special" but because I know that when I want something.... I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. 

Learning to be confident in myself and sticking to my decisions, listening to my gut, and constantly reminding myself that "there is more out there" has lead me to some pretty amazing things. 11 different countries, amazing people, places, experiences, a masters program, an job that I love, good friends around me, and respect of my parents. At 21, thats pretty damn good. 

I didn't get here easy. Some might say I am "spoiled', however, I worked my ass off  in order to save for my trips to Europe, get into graduate school, graduate college in 3 years, I am also aware I will probably spend a lot more time busting my ass off in order to get what I want out of my life.

I am okay with that. 

Yes, I was blessed with a supportive family. However, I also have been the ring leader and decided that I will never settle for less.

 Its taken a lot of hurt and loss of people that really mattered to me- it taught me to be diligent and aware of things and to clear my life of people that dont want what is best for me. 

I am realizing that sometimes it will take me hurting people that wont be able to meet me at the level I need them too, being hurt, failing, pushing forward, and constantly re-evaluating my priorities. 

Yet- I somehow know it will all be worth it.

Everything I picture of my life. It will happen. I will fight for it.

I wont settle for "good" or "okay"

Because life comes around once and if you settle- you'll never get another chance. 

So...

If you want true love- dont settle

If you want to go travel and see the world- dont settle

If you want good health- dont settle

If you want true friends- dont settle

If you want opportunity- dont settle

If you want freedom- dont settle

If you want money- dont settle

If you want hope- dont settle

If you want peace- dont settle

Go out there and figure out a way to get it. But god damn- dont EVER settle. 

Adjustment

Love.

Life.

Lessons.

Is there a purpose? A purpose for hurt? A purpose for happiness?

Honestly, like most of us... I find myself constantly wondering. What is the point?

WHY are we here?

WHY is that some people come into our lives and affect us so much- while others just pass through?

I find it crazy the ways that we affect one another.... either by loving, hurting, or both.

WHY is it that life somehow finds away to put someone there at the most inconvenient time?

It just doesn't seem fair.

You either hurt or get hurt. And in all actuality no one ever truly "wins"...

As I reflect back on the most influential people in my life I can think of a few extremely significant ones- and unfortunately either direction one of us ended up hurting the other. Them-me. Me-them.

They each taught me a lesson. Good or bad. Made me grow in different ways. Feel, doubt, hurt, laugh, love, fight.... everything possible.

Why is it that life choose to put these particular people there? In that specific moment of time...

WHY is it that life makes things so hard?

The only answer I can think of is somehow or someday the answer will come to me. I will just know. I will know the reason my heart broke and I broke hearts. Clarity will flood me... and all the uncertainty will vanish.

Maybe that moment comes during our last breath, maybe when we meet our "soul mate", or ... maybe it just comes in a peaceful minute alone.

Maybe.... it just never comes and thats the beauty of it.

I dont know.

All I know is that I fear this feeling- the feeling of venerability, loss, uncertainty, hurt.

Yet, I know this is one of those times in life when you follow your heart and do the hard thing.... because you know it is the right thing- somewhere deep down... You just know.

It will hurt. It does hurt... you feel like you are standing in a black room.

I just need to remember as time passes and your eyes adjust slowly things become more clear.

Sun

Life is one crazy, beautiful, difficult, journey.

Right now I feel like I have this perfect mess infront of me.

Everything is going exactly how I wanted it too. I love my job, school, the people in my life... I figured out who I am, what I want and the people whom matter.

From the outsiders eye and in my head I feel like I am on right track.

The right track for ME.

However, life brings others into your journey. The choices that you make end up affecting them... hurting, changing, enlightening them. No matter what- the actions and decisions you make cause a chain of events.

So here I am.

For the first time in my life- confident and secure in MY own SKIN. I know I am doing what is best for ME.

Yet, I feel a weight on my shoulders because I am affecting the lives of other people. People who care about me more then I could imagine. People who love ME in the way that MILLIONS are searching for....

People who I have the capacity to completely crush- by one selfish move.

That pressure is overwhelming.

I am torn between realizing what I want and NEED in my life. Doing what is best for me- and letting go of things that I possibly might never get again... Or settling for something I know isn't what I invision of my life- but being comfortable and satisfied.

Which do I choose?

Everything is laid out for me on a silver platter. The ball is in MY court. Everything has turned out better then I could have asked for- and somehow I still feel unsatisfied.

My head and my heart are in a constant battle. They have been since I was 15 and discovered for the first time what LOVE truly feels like.

Always... I would choose to be unselfish. Things ended up never working out. I would constantly be giving more then I was getting. The people I cared about would always leave.

The ONE time I decided to do something for MYSELF- I imediately saw the benefit. I realized I can control the outcome of my life. The people I surround myself with and be who EVER I wanted to be.

I became selfish. Things worked out a lot better for me. I love myself and that confidence attracted the right people to me.

However, now I am faced with the inevitable realization that my actions and decisions affect the lives of others- and I can honestly say I dont know what to do....

I can be selfish... Keep getting what I need. But never being able to give what the other person needs... or I can be unselfish and walk away.

Crush them- but save them from myself in the long run....

Because I know me. I know I wont settle and that "good" wont ever be good enough.

I want more. I want to travel, learn, grow, live in different places. I want to be free.

My personality doesnt let me settle. It drives me insane when I am not challenged or when I know I am capable of more.

But what happens to those people that I surround myself with?

The good ones... The ones that love me. The ones that give me everything....

When I become unsatisfied and leave.

Because I do...

Two very important people said something very significant to me.

The first one:

"You are an guardian angel- but you are an angel that comes... but isnt ment to stay forever. You come and you show people the things that they never realized about themselves and then you leave them on the path to becoming better"

The second:

"You are like the sun... You come and you go. Warm things up.... but also have the capability to burn them"

I know this about myself.

I always knew I was different- I never was "popular" or "pretty" in my life. I felt like an outcast. Never understanding myself fully- but always knowing that I was capable of more. That I was ment to affect others in ways that few people understand....

Thats why I chose to be a therapist. I KNOW ill change the lives of people- Its what I am ment to do. Maybe not every single client that walks through my door. But knowing that I changed the life of at least ONE is enough....

And thats how it is in my personal life too. Not many people "understand me" or are affected by me...

But I know that the few people I do affect- I affect them in a real, powerful, unexplainable way.

That scares me. It puts me in a bind. Pressures me... because I dont want to hurt them. Ever.

I cant walk way and be selfish with those people- and it ends up screwing me in the end.

So... What do I do? Listen to my heart or my head?

Is there ever an answer to that question?

2012.

I haven't written a post for so long.... So here I am.

Long over due.

On the last day of 2012.

I look back on this year and realize how quickly life goes by.

One year ago I wrote a post hoping that 2012 would be a better year then 2011. I can honestly say... My wishful thoughts came true.

From getting that acceptance letter to graduate school, traveling all over Europe, moving to California, starting my first BIG girl job, meeting some amazing new people, and realizing who/what matters.

2012 was incredible.

I feel like this past year has taught me to value my blessings, the people who love me, and most importantly myself.

The biggest realization I had the past few months is that I am capable of achieving anything in my life.

If I work hard enough for it, make good choices, and surround myself with the right people.

Through the challenges of realizing my "best friend" wasn't truly ever a friend and coming to the decision that my life would be better without her, to understanding that it was time to close the chapter involving my first love, moving away, balancing school, work, and a social life, and meeting some amazing people that have shown me unconditional friendship and love.

 I have really come to understand how STRONG I am and learned to value myself.

Looking back on my past- it's hard for me to believe how concerned I was about things that dont even matter.

I never realized that my path would lead me to a place like this- A place of inner peace.

Knowing that everything that I am doing in my life and the choices I have made have been right. Difficult at times... yes. Stressful at times... hell ya.

But... RIGHT.

I cant describe the feeling that I get when I realize all that I have been able to accomplish in this past year- and honestly I dont even care if it sounds "cocky" to say that I am proud of myself.

Because I am.

I understand that I have a lot of learning, growing, and challenges up ahead. Life's never easy and growing never stops.

No doubt there will be times I loose myself again and feel insecure or lost.

However, in those moments I hope- I remember this feeling. The feeling of empowerment that I have felt these last few months.

Also, it is my wish for everyone.... To stop and take a moment and realize that they can do anything they wish in life.

Never to settle for "good" but always strive for the best. Stop letting the wrong people affect you and figure out who the right ones are.

Because as soon as you take responsibility and control- things begin to fall into place and somehow... you begin to realize the meaning and purpose "YOU" have in this crazy experience we can "life."

2012 I leave you with my soul at ease and my heart warm- this has been one monumental year.

2013.... Bring it on baby.

 Here are some highlights of the past few months: