Let me warn you... this post is going to have quite a little bit of frustration and venting. I feel like I am running out of time to enjoy and gain experience from this year. I seriously cant believe that it is over already. I came here so young, scared, alone, and different then who I am right now. I leave here a strong, confident, well rounded and happier girl. Yet, I feel like there is so much more left for me to accomplish here. I feel like I have only started to do what I am capable of. I feel like when I leave here I will be thrown back into the reality of what my life is back in Utah. Here I am after the most amazing year of my life realizing that I am not happy at home. Yes I have my family, my best friends, my home, and familiarity there... All of the things in life that are supposed to make us "happy". Well, they do make me happy. But being home also brings back bad thoughts too. All of the people who judge me off of who I was in high school, memories of feeling not good enough, trying to fit the "Utah" stereotype of beautiful (blond hair, skinny, blue eyes), feeling conflicted by relationships and friendships. At this moment I feel more scared to move back home, then I did to leave home in the first place, and that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that when I am in Utah I always feel like I need to be someone who I am not. That I always need to be proving that I am better then all of the stupid guys from my high school that gave me heartache for three years and now are on drugs, or college drop outs. I don't want to feel that ever again. I don't have that negativity here. I don't have a past that I have to make up for, I don't have anyone to prove anything to-but myself, and I feel beautiful here because 1 out of 20 girls here has blond hair and a perfect body. Honestly, this feels more like home to me, then home ever felt. I have three weeks left here. Three weeks that I need to make the best out of this entire year. I have finals, packing, and moving out to worry about, but honestly, I know that taking the most from these last few weeks matters more then any of those things. I was blessed to have this opportunity. It changed my life, my perspective, and taught me more then ANY other experience I have ever had. This year changed me, my attitude, and gave my motivation to get out of that little bubble called "home." It scares me to think that when I go home that I might become the person I was before I came here. I don't ever want to be that person again. I am scared of undervaluing myself, because I do when I am there. I am scared of loosing myself to the unrealistic and retarded standards that I hold of myself when I am there. I need to be skinner, I need to prove I am doing something with my life, I need to be liked by that group of people... etc. The funny thing is. I have never felt like I need to prove myself to anyone else since I moved to California. Maybe its because I separated myself from the "high school" crowd, or because I didn't have to redeem myself for anything here, or maybe the people in Utah just are trapped in a cycle of trying to be perfect. I don't know what it is. All I know is that in these next three weeks I need to make myself feel OK with leaving here. I need to live up every moment I have left before I am forced to say goodbye. Because I want to leave here feeling like I can tackle coming home, and not loosing all that I gained this year.
I feel the same way pook-- and I was only gone for 4 months. Be proud of who you have become.. and keep strong to that. You can do it, and I know that you can stay the happy person that you have come to love while you have been in California. I love you!!!
ReplyDeletebe proud of this opportunity you have had to move to California. Be happy for what moving home might bring. don't let yourself fall back into the old ways. keep growing. the only thing that will change that is yourself. it doesn't matter what the people around you think or feel. its you. and that is all that matters.
ReplyDeletesanj because of the strength you have gained in california you won't feel a need to be different, or to prove anything. anyone who thinks you have something to prove or who thinks you need to "redeem" yourself seriously needs to move on with life and focus on themselves for a change! live your life and people who don't like the way you live-well that is THEIR problem! you are strong, beautiful, and confident and you will be that when you come home too! we'll do it together! i know how you are feeling! I LOVE YOU!
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