Significant vs. Not.

There are moments in life when you are forced to take a hard look at yourself, from the inside out.

Reflect on who you are, where you have been, and were you are going.

Are you the type of person that you want to be?

Have you done something meaningful?

Do you challenge yourself to be better?

These moments are sometimes full of realization, clarity, and reflection.

Often these are the times when we come to terms with the path our life has taken.

Other times they force us to realize that we need to make a drastic change.

Either way, in those few seconds that your mind wanders, heart races, and chest swells I believe you learn more about yourself then in the hours you spend doing “important” but insignificant things.

The last few days I have been stressed about work, constantly consumed with studying, and filled with uncertainty about my future.

Last night as I was talking to my best friend and remembering moments we shared, change we endured (and survived), and growth that we experienced.

I suddenly realized that the majority of the most important lessons have come from life. Not from a text book, a pay check, or running an errand.

The lessons that have mattered have been hidden in friendships, love, mistakes, concerts, trips…. Laughs and cries.

And have lead me to become a better person.

Those are the lessons that truly matter.

I understood in that moment that at the end of the story- we remember moments we shared, with the special people, places, and things in our lives.

More then likely… those special moments won’t be found in our text book or pay check.

They will be found in times when you “called in sick” but instead stayed in bed with the person you love. Concerts that caused you too miss class and spend the day in “recovery” mode. Or that spontaneous road trip that you went with your friends- which cost you that first minimum wage job.

Sometimes the most valuable lessons come from breaking all the expectations-and just living.

It hit me that I can not keep bringing the stress and worry from my job and school into my life.

By carrying it with me constantly- I have been ruining my own chance at living, being happy, and moving forward as a person.

Significant people, things, and experiences have taken a back burner to upholding a “social” standard-which at the end of the day doesn’t even matter.

Right now is my time. The start of MY life. The point of separation from my parent, friends, and home.

Instead of appreciating the time I have left with them and focusing on how I can be a better daughter, friend, lover… I have been consumed with “drama” at work and “expectations” to maintain straight A’s and getting into graduate school…

When in reality these things don’t even matter- while those people do and always will.

It hit me that I probably won’t remember one damn thing from any of my exams-by the end of the summer… Or actually probably right after I finish taking them, ill probably have even worse “drama” at work, and have even worse experiences with different managers, and that C in American history-might be masked by that A in my psychology class and my volunteer experiences that have helped others.

But someone I love can be lost in a moment to a accident or a disease. I might never get the chance to go to a place again… and there will be a time when I look back on my life and wish I had appreciated the people, opportunities, and things that matter just a bit more.

Basically, last night really brought forth a moment of realization and growth for me as a PERSON.

I don’t want to look back on my life and have ANY regrets.

For the first time in a long time… I feel like I really opened up my eyes and saw where my true priorities should lye

Blue Eyes.

One thing I know about myself is that I dont fall easy for men... In fact I would confidently say that I am probably the most picky girls in the world.

When it comes to guys, I find each and every flaw and pick them apart. 

However, when I do fall. I fall hard.

This summer I ment someone who really left a impact on me. 

I didn't even know him for more then a month.... But, for some reason I cant seem to shake the influence he had on me. 

Whether it was the first time our arms grazed and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe, or the first time that we made eye contact across a crowed dinner hall and butterflies sprung into my stomach, or maybe it was the fact that I remembered his name the first time he told me it and no one else's.... Or the fact that his eyes were the most sincere, kind, and beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen, and his dimples made his entire face wrinkle when he smiled. Maybe it was the fact that he was older and had more experiance with life... 

I dont know. 

What I do know is that I cant seem to shake off how I felt about him.

Literally, at least once a week I lay in my bed and I remember those few days with him.

The conversations we had, how easy and comfortable it was, and the chemistry that I havent ever felt before. 

Its difficult for me to admit.... But, I havent ever felt that way for someone. At least not so strong, and defiantly not that fast. 

Not even for my first love. 

Why? I honestly cant explain it.

When I got home from my trip with this person- I seriously felt sick constantly, I began questioning my whole life at home.

I couldnt help but wonder "what if..."? 

Unfortunately, he was far away. In a different stage of his life. And had different expectations for his future. 

Nevertheless, I felt like I had to go out and see him... Figure it out myself, everything that I had been feeling these last few months home.

When I did go there.... I saw how different he was in his "real life" then he was with me in the summer. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks-the person I knew for those few days wasn't who he really was. I was making him out to be something that he wasnt.

I left there feeling confident that I had fallen for an "illusion" of someone else.

I wish I can say I got home and forgot about it.

But... I havent. 

Constantly, I am consumed with how I felt for those few days.... Those few moments. Wondering. Questioning. Wishing. Longing.

I dont know what type of connection was made between us. I really cant understand it. 

But, what I can say is it keeps coming into my mind and into my heart.

 I keep longing for those moments with him... I keep replaying them in my head.

And I have no idea why.

I assume that it is a sign I am missing something in my life... That some were my limbo is off.

The craziest thing is.... I was willing to break my unreasonably high standards for him. I was willing to let go of my secure and comfortable life for him. 

I just cant get over how crazy it all is... was.

What I have learned though is that connections like that are rare.... beautiful, exhilarating, but they are dangerous and painful, and they leave us confused, frustrated, and longing for more. 

Assert.

Two blog posts in ONE day?! Crazy.... But when it comes, it just comes.

As I was at the gym today I started to reflect on myself as a person...

The good things about myself, and the unfortunate ones too.

Ill be the first to admit that I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with.

I constantly find myself at extremes with people: they either LOVE me or they HATE me. There is never a medium.

It gets kind of difficult sometimes.

I feel like I am one of those people that others make assumptions about the moment that they meet me.... Either "I really like her" or "I really dont".

Sadly, its pretty hard for me to shake either off... I either feel overwhelmed by how fast the grow to like me, or self conscious about why they dont.

Luckily, I know that those whom know me best all love me, and for that I am thankful.

But it sometimes makes me doubt myself and act self conscious towards people that I do not know....It sort of becomes a self fore filling prophecy.

I act open and warm towards people who I feel start of "liking" me and I act dismissive and shy toward those who I feel "dont".

As I thought about it more and more..... I realized that I need to work on being more assertive.

Not saying that I am not (I always state my opinion about things/people when I probably should just shut up)

By assertive I mean that I need to stop worrying so much about how I "think" they feel about me and realize that I should act like myself ALL the time, even if I feel like everyone around me is judging me.

If they still dont like me... for me, I probably shouldn't waste my time or energy worrying about them!

I know there are some things I need to work on... I mean there is always going to be room for improvement.

But, that doesn't mean I need to cower away from anyone I feel does not hold a "favorable" view of me.

After all, the people that matter love me through all of my flaws. They just love ME!

Bugged.

Its been one of those days.....

You know.

The days when ONE person rubs you wrong, and all of the sudden you are pissed off at the whole world.

Basically, it took each and every ounce of self control for me not to freak out and say every single thing on my mind today.

Luckily I held it together and managed to hold back my tongue and my angry tears.

Sometimes I wonder how some people get ahead in life.....

When 1. they have no brain 2. the have no heart 3. they have no soul

That might be a little dramatic, but that really is how I feel right now.

Have you ever felt that way?

It freaking sucks.

Things like this motivate me SO much.

I just want to study, graduate, and make something of myself.

The greatest moment will be when I go back and can say that I progressed in my life.

That I did something that mattered.

What great revenge that will be....

Oh, yes.