When it comes to guys, I find each and every flaw and pick them apart.
However, when I do fall. I fall hard.
This summer I ment someone who really left a impact on me.
I didn't even know him for more then a month.... But, for some reason I cant seem to shake the influence he had on me.
Whether it was the first time our arms grazed and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe, or the first time that we made eye contact across a crowed dinner hall and butterflies sprung into my stomach, or maybe it was the fact that I remembered his name the first time he told me it and no one else's.... Or the fact that his eyes were the most sincere, kind, and beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen, and his dimples made his entire face wrinkle when he smiled. Maybe it was the fact that he was older and had more experiance with life...
I dont know.
What I do know is that I cant seem to shake off how I felt about him.
Literally, at least once a week I lay in my bed and I remember those few days with him.
The conversations we had, how easy and comfortable it was, and the chemistry that I havent ever felt before.
Its difficult for me to admit.... But, I havent ever felt that way for someone. At least not so strong, and defiantly not that fast.
Not even for my first love.
Why? I honestly cant explain it.
When I got home from my trip with this person- I seriously felt sick constantly, I began questioning my whole life at home.
I couldnt help but wonder "what if..."?
Unfortunately, he was far away. In a different stage of his life. And had different expectations for his future.
Nevertheless, I felt like I had to go out and see him... Figure it out myself, everything that I had been feeling these last few months home.
When I did go there.... I saw how different he was in his "real life" then he was with me in the summer.
It hit me like a ton of bricks-the person I knew for those few days wasn't who he really was. I was making him out to be something that he wasnt.
I left there feeling confident that I had fallen for an "illusion" of someone else.
I wish I can say I got home and forgot about it.
But... I havent.
Constantly, I am consumed with how I felt for those few days.... Those few moments. Wondering. Questioning. Wishing. Longing.
I dont know what type of connection was made between us. I really cant understand it.
But, what I can say is it keeps coming into my mind and into my heart.
I keep longing for those moments with him... I keep replaying them in my head.
And I have no idea why.
I assume that it is a sign I am missing something in my life... That some were my limbo is off.
The craziest thing is.... I was willing to break my unreasonably high standards for him. I was willing to let go of my secure and comfortable life for him.
I just cant get over how crazy it all is... was.
What I have learned though is that connections like that are rare.... beautiful, exhilarating, but they are dangerous and painful, and they leave us confused, frustrated, and longing for more.
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