Needle in the Haystack

How is it that people- people, we didn’t even know existed can come into our life and change everything?

Life can be such a crazy confusing mess sometimes.

Then out of nowhere you meet someone, move somewhere, do something and your paths cross with people who you just KNOW are supposed to play a part in your life.

Suddenly, that giant mess of crazy makes perfect sense.

Trials and the happy moment that we go through.

Each person in our past that hurt us, each lesson we learn, wall we built, love that we lost.

There comes a moment of clarity were you realize all of it was worth it. Because it brought you right here. Right to the place, people, and opportunities that you are supposed to have in your life.

Exactly were you are meant to be.

I don’t want to sound naïve and say that our lives are controlled by “destiny”- but I will be the first to vouch that in my own experience; there are people that I know I was supposed to meet.

That crazy ass connection when you just “get” someone. You might barely even know them, but you feel like you do.

 I can’t believe how lucky I have gotten these last few months. Everything fell into place exactly how it was supposed to.

There is one person in particular- who I know is supposed to be there.

I was so scared and guarded to let them in.

I challenged it. I questioned the motives. I protected myself.

Only to have them prove me wrong.

Time and time again.

I kept expecting the same pattern to happen.

It hasn’t.

For some reason I know it wont…

I know this person cares about me- and did from the moment we met.

I know that they wont hurt me intentionally.

I know that they will protect me and do everything to make sure that I am happy.

I know that there is something really special between us.

As scary as it is… I haven’t ever felt more “right” about something before.

As hard for me as it is to admit- maybe there is someone out there who wont hurt you. Ever.

Someone who cares about you for the person that you are- and wants nothing but the best for you,

Someone who wants to become better for YOU.

Someone who will show you unconditional kindness, compassion and will be patient with you, willing wait for you to realize what they already know…. And not push you to do something you are not ready for.

Someone who brings you a special little gift each time they see you- Just because it makes them excited when they see you happy.

I also know that when you find that someone, unless life has another plan for you… You better hold on to them.

People like this…. They are hard to find.

Like a needle in a haystack.  

A letter to no one.

Dear old friend-

Remember those moments we once spent together?

The endless hours laughing over nothing, our handshake, singing along to songs at the top of our lungs, sleepovers, tears, laughs, family fights, hour long phone conversations, endless questions about our future, and the promise that we would be there for each other for forever.

Funny how fast things change.

I like to look back on those times and try to remember those two girls- best friends. partners in life.

Unfortunately it never was fair. It was never was right. I should have known that from the start.

Time and time again- same pattern... different guy.

Yes, this is about you.

You know who you are.

You hurt me once- shame on you... You hurt me three times- shame on me.

Always laughing and happy around everyone else.

Too bad they didnt see everything.

Chicks before Dicks? Yeah right.

I am sick of dwelling in that friendships light- because its a light that never existed because EACH time it was so easy for you to diminish it.
 
No one knows about each time I forgave you.

Not once did I question inviting YOU into MY life.... Opened arms. Endless invitations- For what?

I hope you are happy, everyone loves you.

You got just what you wanted.

Mom warned me from the very start.

Selfish cant be hidden in the eyes.

Shame on me for never listening- and defending you in EVERY fucking fight.

I dont care if this hurts you.

Because you and I know- when you saw me confident and happy, it made you angry inside. 

You never wanted what was best for me- what type of friendship is that?

Every guy that hurt you, used you or abused you- gets more credit then everything we ever had.

Thank you for showing me how naive I was- But more importantly, thank you for showing me what type of friends not to have.

That letter you wrote me... was a load of crap.

Let me remind you...Each time it was ME that took you back.

Not once did you make the effort.

"You werent convenient at the time"- how about everyone hears about that?

The truth is cold, hard, and painful... But its a fact.

Thank god I finally saw it- Because I was sick of pretending.

I hope everything works out for you... with guy number whatever....

Career Talk

How do you know that you are on the "right" path?

From what I know so far... It takes a lot of searching, work, and effort.

Yet- nothing can possibly be more empowering.

I cant explain too you how it feels when you finally find- YOU. 

Its the most moving, exciting, scary, exhilarating, and motivating feeling.

Never in my life did I imagine that school- YES, SCHOOL would impact me this much.

I always knew what I wanted to do...

Help people. Listen to people. Be there for someone who has no one. Change lives.

I never knew how much I could learn from getting there.

So far this experience in graduate school has blown me away.

It has been hundreds and hundreds of pages of reading-books, manuscripts, flashcards, projects....

My stress level has been through the ROOF.

However, the more I learn- the more I read, go to class, talk to people in the program- the MORE I fall in LOVE with it.

It truley is changing me as a person.

Hearing stories of my classmates- their pasts... the things that they had to overcome. Things that I couldn't ever even imagine... Hearing how strong they are to be able to have pushed themselves through those times.

Learning from my professors about clients whose WHOLE life was changed and how THEY helped them make that change...

Exploring things about myself that are hard to admit and finding things that I can be proud of.

ALL OF IT.

I can truley say I am in IN LOVE with this career. I KNOW even more now that all of this is worth the effort.

I have NEVER ever EVER wanted anything more then this.

Constantly I find myself looking for any opportunities to learn more about the topics. Never before have I been SO invested in something. I want to give 160% of myself- and BE the best that I can be as a therapist.

I cant believe I get to do this for money- I get to make a difference in the lives of people.

Where do I even start to count my blessings?

Who could wish for a better career then this?

I cant wait to see how this program will continue change me as a person.

My perspective on relationships, life, people, myself- has been changed; for the better.

High vs. Low

Entitlement.

Why is it that some people feel like they are entitled to act a certain way?

For some reason THEY deserve "special" treatment, consideration, or time.

Walking all over others.

Its NOT cool, nor is it right.

We all are ENTITLED. Entitled to be treated like human beings; that are equal, living, breathing, logical and competent.

Nothing bothers me more then seeing someone treat another person who is in a "lower" position then them like garbage.

Weren't they there once too?

Even if they weren't... They dont know the reason that person is in that situation.

Probably, because they didnt have the same resources that you take for granted every single day... Jackass.

Just because you make more money, are more powerful, or more attractive DOESNT give you the right to treat someone like they are ANY less of a person then you are.

Another place that "entitlement" come into play is in relationships.

We ALL have had a boyfriend, family member, friend, co-worker that has acted like you owe them something.

The only thing you owe them is love, respect, and a chance to get to know them.

If you get to know them... and you realize you dont really like them, then once again you dont owe them anything.

You get to simply: move on with your life.

I can be the first person to vouch that its hard.

Its hard to assert yourself to other people...

I have had times in my life where I let people literally "walk all over me" pretending to be my "friends" when in reality they were taking advantage of the fact that I hate when people are mad at me.

A term we all know as "people pleaser"

Yes, I was. STILL AM....A people pleaser.

However, I now see things more clearly because I WAS used, I was hurt, and in the end I ended up being the one who was let down in the majority of situations.

It takes a lot for me to say no to someone or to stick up for myself when someone else is pushing me to do something I dont really do....

But, slowly I have been doing it more.

I am still in transition. Yes, at times I still let myself be walked on.

That doesnt mean that eventually I wont. I am in a stage of transformation.

I am becoming a stronger, better, and more self-assured adult.

Each day I learn that, there needs to be balance... You cant take others for granted; but you also cant take YOURSELF for granted either.

There has to be a line, between what is best for you- and what is best for them.

Because at the end of the day... ANYONE is capable of taking advantage.

No, they WILL take advantage- that is, if you let them.

No one is "entitled" to control you. Your life.  Other then you.

It is not right to treat anyone (friends, family, lovers, co-workers, etc.) as if you are "better" then them.

Entitlement is an ugly trait to have.

Its ok to be proud of yourself, confident in yourself, LOVE yourself.

Thats different....

Its not ok when you treat people like they are below you, like you are ALWAYS right, or that they owe you something.

Because they dont.

Especially if you are someone that isnt able to look at yourself and admit that you can be wrong.

People are in your life- simply because they choose to be.

If they choose to leave, you need to take a look at yourself and try to find WHY they keep leaving.

At the end of the day- once everyone is done putting up with it and has walked out of the door and there is no one left to blame....

Then what?

Your stuck wondering

"Why am I alone?"

Maybe because you never took the time to look at yourself. Maybe because you never realized maybe it was YOU not them that had to change.

Ive done things wrong. I have walked all over people- JUST as much as I have set out to please them.

I am human... I have taken advantage.

We ALL have.

 I am making a choice.  A choice to change those things about myself.

Too stop letting others take advantage of ME and to stop taking advantage of others.

I dont want to be alone.

I dont want to let someone feel used, unappreciated, or unloved.

I want them to RESPECT me and have nothing but GOOD things to say.

I KNOW I am not there yet.

But, at least I am on the path to be... and am able to admit that I can be wrong. And that I am not "entitled" to anything- or anyone.

I hope I never treat others as anything less then human. No matter who they are, where they come from, or what they have done.

Roads Ahead.

Life is weird.

Cant think of a better way to describe it at this moment.

I feel like through all the twists and turns it leads you exactly to the place you are supposed to be.

People come. People go.

Some leave something worth remembering.... Some remind you the ones that do are rare and to cherish them.

Things seem cloudy and confusing at times.

Until the moment when the sun shines and your remember what its all about.

Here I am.

Back in California.

 In fact-only a few blocks from Lassen and Zelzah and that creepy old apartment building where I learned more about myself, life, friendship, love and pretty much anything else that one can learn.

Different, different then the girl who was here before.

I found myself, and lost myself.... JUST how I predicted I would (refer to 2011 blog posts)

 In many ways I was able to restructure myself in the right ways. I saw how I had become OVERLY materialistic last time I lived here. I saw what a TRUE friend looks like. I realized I often undervalue myself.


This time I was still scared and nervous moving here... Once again I had NO idea what to expect.

It was the same place, but, new people. New home. New program.

The difference was that.... This time I knew I could do it.

That something BIGGER, and BETTER is meant for me.

That I WILL change lives of people. I will do something that will LAST and that I CAN achieve EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I want.

My hard work PAID off.

Yes, I am the youngest person in my program by at least 2-3 years.

Yes, I still have no idea how to make anything other then oatmeal and a sandwhich.

Yes, I cried saying bye to my mom and dad.

Yes, I am completely and utterally terrified of whats to come....

YET.

I know ALL of it is right.

I trusted my gut. I followed the guidance of the people that truly love me and care about me.  I studied. I cried. I pushed myself.

Now the road ahead of me will lead me exactly where I need to be.

It will have hills, turns, and no doubt ill get lost a few times.

But its right here in front of me.

And I CANT wait to see where it takes me.

15 bucks... for peace of mind

The other day as I was wandering the streets of New York City I happen to stumble across a psychic.

Suddenly I was sitting in the waiting room and thinking about how I need to stop making spontaneous decisions....


30 minutes and 15 dollars later I came walking out the door.

Surprisingly touched by what this strange woman had just "seen" in my cards.

Are psychics legit? I dont know.
Is what they say bull sh*t? I dont know.

All that I know is that people have certain energies about them... And maybe, just MAYBE sometimes SOMETHING can pick it up.

As I shuffled the terit cards I thought to myself  "I must be slightly crazy"

Then she started talking.... Since I did the cheapest reading I only got three areas of my life read. Love. Career. Friendship.

First she started with friendship. She told me that I have a particularly important friendship in my life that affects me more then any other. She also said that for the past 2 years this friendship has had jealousy and and negative energy surrounding it- and that in the past 6 months its really began to affect me.

She told me that I have developed a "shield" from this person and that I have learned to shut myself off from them. That this person loves me in their own way-but that they aren't always happy for me in my achievements and experiences.

From there she went on to say that I have just had really amazing experiences and opportunities come up in my life and that I am not taking advantage of them and that I am letting my energy focus on the wrong areas, and letting the jealousy of others affect my experiences. Focusing more on them then on the moments and experiences that I have been given.

That sure got me thinking....

Next was Love.

One area that I am quite messed up in. First she told me that there is someone who I feel a extremely strong spiritual connection too-but that I cant be with this person because of a physical distance. Also, that I have a back and forth pull in my idea of "love".... That I want to be independent, single, alone, yet I also yearn for closeness, commitment, togetherness.

Truth.

She went on to tell me that I constantly crave that which I cannot have... and push away what I do.

Truth.

Then it got to the emotional part. The part were she looked at me and told me exactly what I already knew about myself....

That I need to stop fearing letting people in, letting them love me, open up to me.... come close to me. That I have the ability to affect people in incredible ways if I let them see who I really am. If I let them love me, and open my love to them.

That is when she went into career. In my cards it says I am meant to be successful. To be the best at what I do... and to help people. However, that I also need to use my abilities to touch people in an "artistic" way. I was taken back... It has been my dream to one day write a book, or have a talk show that focuses on mental health issues.

How could all of this be seen in my cards?

She looked at me and said-"You are a person that will do whatever it takes to get what you want. You want to prove to yourself and to everyone else that you are independent and strong. But you wont ever be able to be successful in your career until you being letting people in- because that's the way your are going to change lives and make a career by touching other peoples hearts, and letting them touch yours."

Something I needed to hear.

I have to stop protecting myself from the fear of being hurt.

Just because I have been hurt in the past by people that I loved does NOT mean that I will always be hurt.

It hit me that I could have missed out on making a difference in SO many peoples lives this past few months because I was so focused on the wrong people, and on protecting MYSELF.

Its time to make a change and stop trying to prove that I am strong, independent and unbreakable. Because I am not. I am here to love people, to help people, and to let them in.

It is my purpose in life.

I just need to realize who the right people to let in are.... and stop blocking out anyone who comes my way.

Direction.

Life is full of choices.

Some of them are easy to make. Others throw you for a loop.

One thing I have realized is that nothing ever just happens... You choose the direction you want your life to go.

I have had to make choices that caused me to loose a few significant friendships. Caused me to cry, fall into insecurity, and doubt myself.

But at the end of the day... Each decision that I have made for myself has been the correct one. Maybe not at first. Maybe not in the specific moment. But with out a question... for ME it was right. 

I had a year were I thought I wanted something... 

I did everything I could to get it. And I did... Only to realize that it wasnt the right path for me to take.

Changing my mind cost me a lot. I did not talk to my best friend for a entire year. 

But in the end... I got to go to Europe instead and make friendships and memories with new people that to this day are some of my best friends. 

The last three (or so)... years of my life have taught me very valuable lessons about myself, life, my past and my future. The greatest one of those lessons being that I must always trust myself. 

I believe every single one of us has the ability to take a look at their life and DO what they want to do. MAKE the change they want to make. BE the person they want to be. 

 I believe that things in life happen for a reason. That being said... I also believe we each choose that reason. 

We choose if we want to listen to our best friend cry on the phone about making a stupid mistake with a boy, feeling fat, or failing an exam. We choose if we want to go travel the world. We choose if we want to invest our heart in something. 

We ALL have the ability to change our lives, ourselves, the situation.... ANYTHING. 

The problem is.... Sometimes we are at a loss on what it is that needs changing.

For myself it has been making changes in my surroundings, exploring the world... exploring myself. Trying on new identities. Figuring out what fits, what doesn't... and most importantly... WHO sicks around through all of it.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: I am NOT the easiest person to get along with nor the easiest person to be close too. 

I am ridiculously stubborn, proud, emotional, over invested, and probably slightly insane. 

However, I also will ALWAYS be there for the people who have impacted my life.

When I love you.... I love you for life. It doesn't matter if we haven't talked for a day, a month, or years.

 I will always be there for them.  I make the choice to be that type of person....

 I look at my love like a ruin. It can whether away, be chipped, and loose a lot over time and destruction.... But its foundation will never be lost. Its memory... WONT ever be lost. It wont EVER be lost.  

Right now I have to make some choices. Choices that I know will change everything.

I know that they will be difficult and that there is a huge chance that I will second guess them for a long time.

But... based on my past, present and my future-they are choices that I must make. Friendships I must let go and people I need to accept wont ever give me what I expect from them. 

As hard as it is to realize this and accept the reality of it... I know that its the correct choice for myself and for them too. I know that its impossible to keep chasing after something that was lost years ago.... and simply   hoping that things will return to "how they use to be." 

Things are different. WE are different. Everything is different. 

Its OK. Life changes... if it didn't it wouldn't be so fucking amazing, terrible, exciting, and totally mind blowing. 

So I am making the choice... The choice to continue to listen to MYSELF and do the things that I feel are right. Even if no one else sees my side of things, thinks I am crazy, or judges me. 

Because at the end the only person who determines anything in your life is YOU.

I want to keep determining my life. I have a picture in my head of my future... My family, job, friends, adventures. I know what I want to accomplish in my lifetime... I know that it might not all end up exactly how I picture it RIGHT now. I know the road wont be easy and I might change my mind a million more times. Like I just said, things change... but the most important thing I know is that  no dream and experience is ever out of my reach.

 If you want to travel.... THEN GO DO IT. stop making any excuse you can: "no money", "school", "friends", "boyfriends". None of that stuff matters. If its something that you WANT, you will find a way to do it. If you want to have true FRIENDSHIPS. Stop making excuses for ones that aren't. Stop investing in the wrong people and start figuring out who the right ones are. If you want to make a difference in the world. Go do it. Book that ticket to go help out there... and work your ass off to pay it off. 

BUT GO DO IT. 

Because you  might never get the chance again. 

Thats what I do. I just DO what I WANT to do. I wanna go to Europe? I save half my paycheck for a year so that I CAN go. I want to move to LA? I work my ass off to get into grad school....

But right now I WANT figure out something that is extremely important to me.... Its definitely throwing me for quite the loop. 

Right now I WANT to figure out who matters. What friends STICK around at the end of the day. WHO will be there to listen to my stupid ass crying on the phone about 10 extra pounds I gained.

Its proving to be a lot more difficult then I thought it would be. But I have made the choice to figure it out... and to surround myself with the people who matter.

Be that 1 or 2 people... Or a handful.

Ill tell you right now I have already learned that not very many people do. But the ones that are willing... Those are the ones that matter. 

I have made the choice to stop investing in the people who always leave, and start focusing a little more on the ones who never have.